Showing posts with label photography. Show all posts
Showing posts with label photography. Show all posts
New Things
@cosmicgirlie
I've been bloody busy, working behind the scenes on some very small but very exciting things. Some of you will know I shed blood, sweat and tears trying to organise my photography site via wordpress. I'd only ever used blogger before, and so I had much to learn.

So when I finally got it set up, and discovered that Wordpress has the answer to all my questions (apart from anything bacon related, mostly) I thought I might try my hand at setting up a photography blog of my own, but geared towards helping others.

I haven't launched it yet because at the moment it's still just a domain name and some very bare, not very pretty bones, and a bag of ideas, which I'm waiting for everyone to point at and go "BWAH HAH HAH HAH!! Jay you are just a cock."

But here's the deal.

Remember a while back when I posted some pics here and you were all "Wtf? How the hell did you do that?"

And I was all "Ah it's easy! I'll do a tutorial!!!"

And then you were like "Ok, go on then."

And I was kinda "uh..."

And then silence?

Yeah well, um, I hadn't forgotten, see, but I was very wary about keeping MBM about my usual boring shit, and it not turning into a photog site.

I mean, ok, there's a shit load of pics, but I mean not that kind of photog site. And anyway, it turns out that some of you (and by some, I mean roughly 2 of you) have questions about how I do some of the stuff I do, including what I do on blipfoto, and various iPhone apps, and other random stuff I post here and there.

Plus, the Mighty Gallery on at Sticky Fingers brought out the hidden photographer in many of you, but I get sad when I see people say "Oh I would post but my pics aren't good enough", or, "it feels like a competition and my pics don't match up to everyone else's standards".

As I'm sure Tara would echo, it's NOT a competition, and I personally love looking at everyone's photos. This (potential) site I'm setting up is only to help you out with the small stuff; I don't claim to have all the answers and know how to do it all! I just want to help a little for those who want to do similar to me.

So...do you have a question? Have you seen something I've posted that you quite liked and wondered "how the hell did she do that?" Or have you taken a pic and are wondering how the hell you can improve it?

Then please get in touch.

Either leave a comment to this post with your question, or drop me an email at: cosmicgirlie(at)gmail(dot)com, or tweet me, or send me a text, or send me a messenger pigeon, or perhaps a telegram.

All being well, the site will go live in time for Cybermummy. :D


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The Gallery: Still Life (and a teeny lesson in cameras)
@cosmicgirlie
A few people have seen my light art photography, and have assumed I've needed some ultimate fancy equipment to do it.


It's actually REALLY easy!!! I mean, of course, uh, it's bloody difficult and takes a er, special sort of um...

Nah that's cock, it's piss easy. Promise I will do some sort of tutorial on this soon. It'll be a laugh.

Those who follow my flickr set closely will also notice there's a whole set dedicated to my iPhone. And lastly, having fallen ridiculously in love with Hipstamatic, I've created a photography blog on Posterous to showcase my efforts with this iPhone app.

Incidentally, if you own an iPhone and don't have this app, then WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???? *SHEESH*

I'll just wait here while you go and get it.

In fact, here; I'll even throw you a link: CLICK ON ME TO GET HIPSTAMATIC

Trust me, apart from maybe stuff you buy for your kids, and food, and maybe alcohol, this could be some of the best money you'd spend.

I have to say, you have no idea how thrilled to bits I was (in fact, MORE than thrilled to bits) when Tara Cain chose my Bacon Blip on Blipfoto as the inspiration and theme for this week's Gallery!!

OH HELL YEAH.

Well I noticed lots of people were starting to freak the hell out about not having a good enough camera to meet this weeks task. Hell, I'M not sure I can meet this weeks task, I mean, what the hell can beat bacon?

(Seriously, I ate around 20 - 25 rashers of bacon in the three days we were at Centre Parcs, the majority of that being on Saturday and Sunday. And yes, I ate it so fast I couldn't even be arsed to get my camera out to take another pic of it.)

I had a look at some of the pics already submitted for the gallery - shit me you guys are awesome. Which hopefully makes me work even harder. Which is obviously a good thing, especially if it means I'll work off all that bacon. It's so brilliant and satisfying when people see that you DON'T need fancy pants equipment to get a good picture. I do not have any of that shit. I'd have to sell my kids AND my soul to afford that stuff.

Anyway, I put down my trusty little camera and went back to my iPhone, which has repeatedly been slated for it's camera which I'm now thinking is quite a shame.

(Huh...my space bar is dented?? ...or is that just bacon grease?)





And then I couldn't help myself, because quite frankly, I'm addicted to my camera.

(The following are also straight from camera with no special effects applied.)



And food.





And of course, bacon.


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Like the use of photography in this post? Then please feel free to vote for me over at The MADs awards, under Best MAD Blog Photography. Only 4 days left to vote!!! Many thanks :)
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Littered With Links to Help You Decide
@cosmicgirlie
Yeay! It's ANOTHER MADs post!! Because I haven't bored you with enough of those, have I?!?!?!!!? Well I'm supposed to pimp myself out and ask for as many votes as possible etc, but short of harassing celebs on twitter, I'm rubbish at doing that, and end up feeling immensely guilty telling people who they should vote for.


So I thought perhaps if I listed some of my better (photography) posts, pictures and themes and stuff, and then you can have a look, and then um, if you like them maybe you could have a think about nominating me and maybe voting for me and being nice to me and then maybe I might win even though I obviously would be really pleased if the others won but somehow I want to win and beat them all.

Please.

Uh...

Thanks.

Happy Birthday, Isaac - A post featuring pics from Isaac's first birthday and a video of photography from his first year

Oh. Hello Stranger - In which two of my worlds collide spectacularly.

There Are No Subliminal Messages - Um, there are no subliminal messages.

Then there are posts with the usual holiday snaps from my favourite place in the South of England.

Like to see collections? Check out anything about The Gallery, hosted by lovely lady and fellow photography finalist Tara Cain.

What do you do on your Sundays? Mine were Silent for a little while...

Or how about a photo meme? The Kreativ Blogger Award got me to dig out 7 interesting photos...

And in this post, I totally ranted on about how my blog is just AWESOME, and cinched the deal with some of the best photography ever.

(There's a reasonable amount of sarcasm there.)

Noah's second birthday was pretty good fun, and there's pics of cake. Which I made. Not.

And over the last year maybe, I've had some AWESOME FUN with light art, and if I pull my finger out I might even do a tutorial or something on this soon.

And of course, last but definitely not least, who can forget my tweet stalking of Stephen Fry? It's not really photography, but it is, and it's also a good example of how persistent I can be, when I want to be.

And now, for the finest example of my photography work, because that's what this is all about:
Best MAD Blog Photography

The Best MAD Blog Photography award recognises that some bloggers don’t just have a way with words – their pictures are just as powerful, and sometimes more powerful than the words alongside.



Just meeting criteria, is all.
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There Are No Subliminal Messages.
@cosmicgirlie
OR:

Some Things I Saw This Week

OR:

The Post Where I Leave You All Wondering What The Fuck

It's been an eventful week, Isaac had his birthday yesterday (which I'll blog about, but since he's only one and won't ever remember it, this post is WAY more important), Noah has been seriously trying my patience, I did my first ever adult portrait photo shoot, I started a BlipFoto account (because obviously I'm so lazy and have way too much spare time on my hands) and, um, I appear to have been shortlisted for the MADs Best MAD Blog Photography.

I believe when I found out, my words were:




Which was a direct result of this.

So then I read this:


The Best MAD Blog Photography award recognises that some bloggers don’t just have a way with words – their pictures are just as powerful, and sometimes more powerful than the words alongside.

So!! I thought I would just say, um, THANK YOU SO VERY COCKING MUCH!! I seriously did not see this coming. I actually said to D that there was no way on God's rather wet earth that I'd make it as a finalist. I talk about shit, I post random crap, and Jesus H Mother Cocking Christ, have you SEEN WHO ELSE I'M UP AGAINST??? The pictures these guys take are fucking awesome. I urge you to click on those links and take a look, cos SERIOUSLY. Oh Em Eff Gee.

So I thought, maybe I should write a very gushy post and tell you all thank you SO FUCKING MUCH for helping me get this far. I would love it if you were to vote for me to win (have you seen the prizes? Yes please), although I'm still amazed you've helped me get to being a finalist.

I'm barely a photographer in my eyes; with no training of any sort I've still got so much to learn. But becoming a finalist? Well that's just the biggest complement I could ever have right now.

So maybe I should post some pictures to um, show how I got here maybe? You know, "demonstrate" a bit of my work?


(Seriously, there are no subliminal messages here. No sir. Not at all.)

(This was mysteriously found on Noah's doodle draw thingy. No idea how it got there.)




"Yeah yeah mother, see this here? NEGLECT. An empty bottle of water is all I get? You are FAIL."


(Maybe D did this in his sleep, bless him. Ahw.)



"Yawn. Mother. I. Am. Bored. It's not like people care OR listen to your poop anyway. Get over yourself."



(Obviously Isaac did this, though he's so modest, bless him, I suspect he'll deny it.)



"Obviously Mother you are delusional. I'm exercising full-on hardcore cuteness to score some points here, Mother. What - points for you? NO. Points for ME. Check out my sly smile while I get all the attention."



(Strange things happen in the fields at night, round the corner from my house, you know.)



"I turned one yesterday. And my mother chose to write this thank you post to all you lot BEFORE she decided to write about me. Here I eat this number 1 to show my disgust. Make this worth my while and vote for her."

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May YOR
@cosmicgirlie
I mentioned a few days ago in some half-hearted round-the-wrekin half-assed way that I had sort of maybe possibly not quite sure but I think so possibly come up with a possible suggested theoretical idea for May YOR, right?

I'm obviously being a wee bit non committal here, but you know, hear me out.

Well, whilst I've started a BlipFoto journal thing, I immediately felt pressure about what I was taking on. Sure, BlipFoto and various other friends reminded me I don't have to post every day, but I realised, I'm a bit crap for taking a picture every day.

Sure I call myself a professional photographer (barely...even typing that is seriously bloody weird), I feel like I HAVE to call myself professional under the circumstances; but I also feel like I have to draw that fine line between business and pleasure.

I love taking photos, I really do. So very much. But if there's one thing I've learnt is that, much like my blogging, I have to do it for me when I'm ready, to a degree. The portrait work I do, is awesome. I love it so much. BECAUSE it's what I want to specialise in. All the other crazy stuff? Is genuinely for fun. There was a short while where I was going crazy doing tons of iPhone pics because I thought I needed to profile myself, but you know what? It's not important. People will find me when they're ready.

So this month, whilst the resolution is indeed to basically pick up my camera more often, I'll be picking it up for fun rather than doing it because I think I have to.
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Dear...
@cosmicgirlie
Lovely Lady TC

I know this note is gonna seem really weird, but I just wanted to say thank you. Your gallery idea is so bloody brilliant, and I love how even when I submit a crappy gallery pic, I've still had to think very carefully about what to post. And even if the pic sucks, I still try to make it worthwhile with my choice of words.

My last post, "Oh. Hello Stranger." has pressed so many of my buttons. It's so funny because, when I first started out on this particular Gallery theme, it WAS going to be a silly one. I've got 4 of the photos ready to go, and know what I want to do for the others.

Actually, I KNEW what I WANTED to do. But not anymore, because once again, you've made me think in a completely different way. There are mahoosive stories behind this post, which I come ever close to sharing with more and more people; had it not been for your Gallery, this teeny tiny snippet of history wouldn't have become such a public part of my blog. I know I don't give away too much; it's still incredibly raw. But I'm close; I'm so close. And that's pretty good, I think, for me.

But anyway. I just want to say thanks. So much. For helping me find an outlet in a way so natural to me. For helping me push my boundaries and make me think. For such an awesome idea. For being so inspiring for so many people.

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Everyone Who Commented Previously

I don't know what to say. Apart from, obviously, thank you. My blog is changing; I didn't mean for it to happen, but it's reassuring and yet quite frightening. I'm changing as a person, it's out of my control, and I need to make sure I can BE the person I'm turning into.

Some of you know how big a change it is. Others are completely unaware. And that's ok. There's a lot to learn about me, so much more, and in nearly three years of blogging, amazingly, I don't think I've given away much of the stuff I think is huge.

But that's ok. It's coming. Soon. I'll change. Things will change. And that's ok.

So thank you, for helping me. I hope I can help you too, because quite a few of you have said you want to get your musical instruments out to play again. But you say you're intimidated. Or scared. Or nervous. Or wary. You know what? I was all those and more. So much more. But if I can do it? ANYONE can do it. And even better? We'll be here to support you. In fact, I'd love you to get in touch if you decide to play again. Even if you don't get it out. Even if you're just thinking about it.

We can support each other. I know it.

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People Who Are Keen to Hear Me Play

I am a LOOOONG way from that just yet. Or at least, I think I am. It won't be this week. Or maybe next week. I doubt the week after. But I might catch myself off guard...and it might even be tomorrow. Or next year. I don't know. I may be proud of how far I got, but I'll never be proud enough to brag of my "skills" or "talent" or whatever.

Sure I have concerts coming up. I can say that now. I'm coming to terms with that now. You're welcome to come here me play, but I'll be safely buried away in the security blanket of an orchestra.

I like it that way. For now.

Maybe one day I'll vlog me playing.

Maybe.

One day.

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JG and CB

I'm glad you're proud of me. I really am. Whether it's the cello or the camera, it doesn't matter. I'm like a kid who wants to be patted on the head and rewarded with a tiny "well done". Because no one else did it before, when I was going through the heartache. So when my best friends say things like that?

It means more than anything.

I love you.

jay xxx
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Oh. Hello Stranger.
@cosmicgirlie

I didn't think I'd see her again so soon. She went away last November, and I hadn't planned on seeing her again for quite some time.




It wasn't my idea, though. I wasn't ready to say hello yet. I'm nervous. I'm not sure I can do it yet. But I'm wondering if I ever should have said goodbye.


A sudden flurry of emails, texts and phone calls this last month...why me? Why were people making me deal with her again? I hate that people want me to use her again. I hate the reminder of what they put me through. Sometimes I think I still hate her. So resentful. Few know why. Some should know why, but probably don't realise it. Few knew of my wrath. I'm so angry with all I had to go through; feels like it was all for nothing.




And yet, when I held her last week, for the first time in what felt like forever, I remembered. It's been 5 months. But I remember. I remember everything I've been through. I remember feeling so proud of her, proud of myself. Proud of overcoming all the insane obstacles to keep going for as long as I did.



I recognised her straight away...I've been a part of her for 26 years. It felt natural, she feels right, she feels good. I'd forgotten how much I could yearn for her. I forgot that seductive feel of her beneath my fingers. How she felt whenever I caressed her. I lusted after the emotions she provoked. I lusted after her.



Even so, I'm still bitter when I hold her. So full of envy, of what others could achieve with theirs; that maybe I would never be as good as they. They were better than me, theirs were better than mine. My eyes were always green, but it always made me work harder. Ever harder. But I could never be as good as them.




Strangely, even now, I'm lazy. I want to play with her again, but...I find excuses to not even pick her up. My slothfulness prevents me from going back to that place where I once was. That time when I felt almost invincible, with her power. The lack of power leaves me a little empty. The ever lasting energy she produced; reduced to nothing.



I know why I don't want to go back. I was punished. She punished me. They punished me. But I'm a glutton for punishment. I pick her up, and try to shove it all aside. Like I don't remember any of it. I go back though. I punish myself. I always did. Gluttonous. For punishment.



Is it too much?



No. It’s not enough. I want more. I want more than just her. I want so many things. I have a thirst. A greedy thirst to do so much more than just be with her. The greed consumes me; exhausts me, but I hunger for more.




Other passions invade, I want them all. It’s not enough to be Mother. Cellist. Photographer.



And so, I pay the price for my sins.







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This post is inspired Tara Cain's "The Gallery".

Please do not use images without direct permission from Jay Mountford. Thanks.
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Photography Update
@cosmicgirlie
Just to let you know, I'm trying my best to stay on top of the whole photography thing...it seems to be going pretty well... :o)


PS I'm looking to start doing some baby bumps next - got a growing maternity belly and would like some beautiful shots taken for memories? Let me know. I can send you a price list for prints, and I'm happy to travel...get in touch!!

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The Gallery: 0
@cosmicgirlie
Tara Cain does this pretty cool thing every week called The Gallery. I've been reluctant to get involved, mainly because I see everyone else's stuff and spend far too much time berating my own. But I need to get over that.

So I'm contributing this week, and the theme is numbers. It was a tricky one, I suck at stuff like that, but here goes.


This picture was taken down in Devon a few weekends ago (click the pic to see more from Devon). When I took the picture, I felt oddly breathless, a little strange and I couldn't work out why. The scene took my breath away, but scenery rarely does that for me.

On reflection, I realised it was because, for the first time in such a long time, I had done the one thing I've wanted to do for so very long.

To disappear.

Surrounded by what felt like sky scraping trees, I had finally disappeared and felt like no one would ever find me. I had become no one, invisible to all, hidden away, hoping never to be seen again. It was escape. Everything was lifted off me, for those few short moments. And yet, the stream of sunlight reminded me of my existence; like it was a spotlight just for me. Reminding me I'm not a big fat zero, but that I still count.

My number is 0. I was nothing. And somehow, I was everything I wanted to be.



(Thanks to Tara C, Dave F, Dave M and LeslieAnn. They know why.)
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March "Year of Resolutions"
@cosmicgirlie
Well, surprisingly enough, this whole YOR thing seems to be going ok. January finally came into fruition last Friday, and thanks to my distinct lack of self confidence, will probably last no longer than a month. Maybe two.

February is going better than expected, having lost 7lbs to date (bearing in mind I still eat a reasonable amount of crap), I've indulged in some DAMN HAWT underwear (no nursing bras!! OMG), which appear to be colourful and have a surprising amount of lace on them, my wardrobe has been emptied of nursing tops (although Isaac and I are still feeding - 10 months! Fuck yeah) and I recently purchased a pair of rather purtiful boots.

It's all quietly chuntering away, but I'm damn well pleased with myself that I've now completed two months.

So what's in store for March?

Well. It's a curious one, but something that seems to be happening a bit already so thought I'd make more of it.

March YOR, is to go out and meet more people. Not just people I already know, but more NEW people. People I've never met. Granted most of these people will probably be ones I know as a result of Twitter, but nonetheless, I've met some lately and had a great time. There are others I'm desperate to meet for the first time, some I've met and really want to see again...and I don't think there are any I've met and never want to see again. Heh.

There are major advantages to this particular YOR; Noah starts nursery in a few weeks, which will leave me with more travel time on my hands. I look forward to spending more time with Isaac, and he's a great traveller so he'll come with me if need be and it's appropriate. Evening jaunts, obviously, will be just me! I've really started to enjoy the time that's being given back to me lately; my trip down to Dawlish, Devon last weekend was fucking awesome, and I'm already looking into when I might be able to go again.

Then of course there's BlogHer 10 in August omfg NYC BAYBEE. When I finally pull my finger out, I need to get to making a list of people I want to meet. Cos OMFG NYC BAYBEE.

I'm not entirely sure how to go about meeting up with mew peeps though; many work in the day, obviously (and, it turns out, I have children), and it can sound a bit stalker-ish when I say to people "we need to meet up and have beer one evening", because I know that in their head, they're finishing that sentence with "so that I can follow you home, camp outside your house and most likely burn your bunny/goldfish/children".

This is NOT the case.

Promise.

Heh.

So! If you're up for meeting up, please do let me know. Although this is listed as March Year of Resolutions, of course it will carry on for the rest of the year providing it's successful...

Fancy meeting up?
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Catch Up
@cosmicgirlie
There is SO MUCH STUFF GOING ON RIGHT NOWWWWWW GAAAAAAAHHHHH.

I don't know what to think. The whole deal and issues with Isaac and Noah - it's just too much right now. The implications (and believe me, I haven't even BEGUN to explore the implications just yet) behind the path to Noah's corrected speech, and Isaac's potential growth "problems"...fuck, I don't even know where to begin.

It turns out my brain has chosen not to absorb anything that is going on this week.

Including the fact that we had accepted an offer on our house (admittedly with the agent who is an arrogant fucker), and now we are a back on the market and down an agent. Because he chose to call me on the phone, accuse me of with-holding information (WTF? Dude I just wanna SELL MY DAMN HOUSE) and then hurl a barrage of abuse at me. Needless to say, we had just had enough. This wasn't the first time he had been obnoxious and rude down the phone; this time he chose to cross the line (so much so, the line became a dot to him). So buh-bye dude; take your offer, and your agreement, and shove it up your ass (if you can find room up there nest to your own head).

His office called me back trying to make amends, in the hope that we would still go through with their offer (which incidentally, was still less than our asking price *sigh*). Clearly he's bullied enough people to know he can get his way. Our dilemma is do we cut off a nose to spite the face, or accept that we may have to deal with him some more. I know, most of you are thinking just accept the offer and get the house sold already.

But we work on principle. And that is, we would sooner spend another 6 months in this house with our AWESOME agent and sell through them, than have anything more to do with tosser agents.

It seems silly, but trust me. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how unpleasant they've been (threatening to burn down our board? Wtf?), and we have well and truly reached limit with them.

Hmm.

I mentioned that my website is now up and running. This very idea is scaring the becheebus out of me; after the nightmare that became my music career, I feel like I'm about to launch myself into the same thing again. Here is my life, on the line. Here is me. Jay. Raw, for you to take a punch at. Here is my shit laid bare, and anyone and everyone may take a stab as they please.

I am 31 years old, and since the age of 5, music is pretty much all I've ever known. I feel like I'm venturing out on someone else's turf, and somehow question whether I belong here. I don't know what gives me the right to think I could have a go at this, and actually make something of it.

What I do know, is that I'm taking some fucking huge steps here. With my children, with my life, with me. And it's damn scary. Because it's all ventures in to the unknown. I'm fumbling in the dark. Is that why I'm not as phased as I should be?

Is it because, in the dark, I'm somehow dodging some major bullets out there?

I sure hope so.



*I wasn't going to call this post "Catch Up", but it turns out I already have posts in March 2008 and March 2009 by the same title. Maybe I'll start a new trend.
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It's Because...
@cosmicgirlie
It's been a mental week. We've been trying to digest the feedback about Noah. And we're struggling to get to grips with what's happening, oddly enough, despite being sort of prepared for what they were going to say. Maybe it's because Mrs ST called us up today and bumped us up for a food tolerance appointment. I was obviously pleased, but also unnerved as she asked me more questions over the phone about how he'd been since Monday.

And that's one reason I've barely posted this week.

Another reason, is because teh interwebz is bein cack. I spent 2 and a half hours on the phone to Virgin Media on Tuesday, ending up speaking to 4 different people. And still have the same problem. Fuckers.

Added to that, Isaac had is 8 month development check (yes, at 10 months), and Mme HV wants to refer him to a specialist. Because he's not growing. He's gaining pretty much no weight, is not getting longer and, well, yeah. She flagged it, wants him back to do more tests in 2 months at one year old, and wants us to go see the Dr in the meantime. Cos you know, I'm really enjoying being turned into the neurotic mother. Even though (and forgive me on this because I'm WAY too fucking overwhelmed this week), I'm almost...well...not bothered. Well, I AM bothered, obviously, but it hasn't hit me. I seem to have put up a considerable shield this week, and am now deflecting a good deal of shit.

And this. THIS is a big reason why I haven't posted.

Finally...

Presenting...


I don't know where all of the above is going. And as a result, all of the above is scaring the cock out of me.
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Diptych - Cold
@cosmicgirlie
Thanks to Miss Grace, I'm trying out something new.

There are a few projects going on at the moment, and this is one I've had my eye for some time. I decided to stop wondering, and just do it.

The theme is "Cold", the rest is your imagination.


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I'm a Good Blogger and this post is SHIT because I SAID SO.
@cosmicgirlie
Today, it all kicked off in the Blogosphere. Apparently, to have a good blog, we're supposed to write what we like, but make sure it complies with what people like; we're meant to be ourselves, but aspire to be someone else; we should be interesting, but real; we should include lots of links to others, but write about ourselves.

And if you want to be a "Top Blogger", you have to do all of the above and much, MUCH more.

Which is why, this post will be utterly shit, because I? Will not conform to any Rules of Blogging. Which makes me a good blogger. Nyer.

What I WILL do, is blog the following.

Today, my arse appeared in #assmail on Boob Emancipation. Given that I have now discovered I can take a pic of my own arse in the shower, I am proud as FUCK.

I have a fixation for boobs. I am not lesbian. But I DO think boobs should be celebrated. As should many asses.

Today, Noah barfed up his breakfast at the table, then started listening to said table. Like, head down, ear pressed, smiling at the table. And dancing slightly.

Whilst Noah was doing the above, Isaac was laughing hysterically at his thumb, whilst eating his breakfast.

Shortly after, Noah ralphed all down his front and on the floor. Whilst cleaning this up, Isaac crawled over and puked on my feet. Whilst cleaning all this up, he went to go bang his head on the corner of the table.

I often do not care what people think. About my blog, or me, or whatever. Sometimes I'm sorry, but often I'm not. And that's how my shit rolls.

I love comments. Good and bad. However I do not live or blog for comments. But I ALWAYS appreciate comments. I will not fall apart if there are no comments. But I might consider kicking some ass. I might not always RESPOND to comments, because of course, I am shit, but still. Always nice to have them, even if they make you look like a fucktard. Because I can look back and say "Oh, hi Fucktard!" Or I can look back and say "Cock. You're all being nice and I dunno what to say. Um, thanks."

I love smut. Throw in a cock, and I'm happy.

I managed to make someone feel quite shit today. It wasn't intentional by any means, but frustration (and fear?) got the better of me. And so, as you all know what I'm like, I started to tell it like it is. I don't think he hates me (much), but you may now call me one of the biggest bitches out there. And I suspect he may avoid me for a little while. Unfortunately, I do not know how to be straightforward without being an absolute prunt*. But I suspect I won't change. At least I didn't go all the way and let it all out. Yeah, cos that makes it better.

I regularly like to exclaim "cock" on twitter. It makes me feel better, and smile. It makes me feel even better when people say/shout "cock" at me. That makes my day.

In keeping with February YOR, today I managed to complete Day 6 of the 30 Day Shred. I can get to circuit 3 without screaming, I no longer crawl up the stairs, a pair of my trousers are a teeny bit loose, my boobs are shrinking but so is my belly, and hotness will soon be mine.

January YOR is well under way, and holy fuck, it might even be live by the end of this month. The number of photographers on twitter is making me SHIT myself. Which reminds me, one of my fave photographers who is also a good friend, was featured in Photo Pro Magazine this month. And by featured, I mean OMFG 5 PAGE SPREAD WTF AWESOMENESS. Added bonus? Well. You had all better recognise that baby and squooshy mouth, or I shall hunt you down and yell at you a lot.

That is all.

And now? Please to look at pictures, in the hope of making distracting you from my crap blog with AHWW!!!! LOOK AT TEH CUUUUUUTE!






Yes I know. You totally forgot what you were going to say, right?

Allow me to distract you some more.


IN. DEED.




This is how we roll.


* Thanks to Karl Erikson for use of the word "prunt". Tis awesome.
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Mindless Monday
@cosmicgirlie
This is how I am spending my evening.




This is how I'll be spending tomorrow evening.



(Seriously. DVD ordered and everything. Jillian will have a great time whooping my wobbly ass into shape.)

My theory is, screw the fact that I'm carrying extra poundage, but let's at least make an effort to make it look like attractive poundage. I'm bored of having my belly rest on my crotch when I sit down.

In keeping with January's YOR, I'm still posting a pic a day on flickr. It's...a little unsettling, taking a pic of myself every day and staring at it trying to decide if I like it. Which of course, I don't, because I have a spotty chin, my eyebrows are fucked, and I often look stoned. Or, as someone else pointed out, worried.

Rabbit in headlights springs to mind.

But hey, it means I get my camera out. In last night's shoot I got my boobs out. But no, they don't make an appearance, because you know, I'm trying to keep it tasteful.

This will not last long.

I've also booked me a ticket to a photography show at the NEC, which is really surreal, especially as I booked myself as a photographer.

As in -

Name: Me

Address: Here

Occupation: Photographer (wtf?)

Company: Jay Mountford Photography (say what now?)

(I'm STILL working on my site. WordPress opens a can of Whoop-Ass on me every time I look at it.)

Unfortunately, I am not Hot (February YOR). What I am, is full of cold. So much FOF, I may have dribbled a little snot on Isaac's leg, and in Noah's hair today. You know when it's just so watery, and you don't move quick enough to catch it? It's kind of like that. I hate that. It's messy. So I kind of end up sitting around with a tissue wedged up my nose.

...hmm.

On reflection, that's definitely not hot.

BUT. I have managed to wear fucking sexy bras and various thongs/French knickers for the last week-ish. Which of course has leaded to no action at all, because all I want to do is sleep. But you know, there's been plenty of heavy breathing and stuff.

...while I sleep.

That's not to say, D does stuff to me while I sleep.

Because he doesn't.

...I think.

Look, you know what I mean.

Maybe I should just start working on March YOR, and let Jillian get on with a little ass-whoopin'. That's hot, right?
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February "Year of Resolutions"
@cosmicgirlie
Ok. So, uh, it's February. And I'm still fighting working on January's YOR. It's slow, but I never expected anything overnight, or even in a month. BUT, I'm still working on the website, playing with widgets, trying to get my camera out more often, and learning as much as I can.

My latest Photography Phun is "A Month of Me", whereby I take a self portrait every day for the month of February. I was inspired by a sexy-ass twitter buddy, who is doing 365, which is FAR more inspiring, and I'd jump on that bandwagon if I wasn't 31 days too late.

Anyway! Unfortunately after having removed most bodily fluids from every possible orifice, the second picture looks remarkably shit (there was no way I was going to smile), but still, I'm determined to keep going. Especially if it means I have to take at least one pic every day.

So what's on the cards for February YOR? It's a doozy. Absolute GENIUS.

For February?

YOR?

My resolution, is...

to be...

more...

...hot.

Like, HOT.

Like, HAWT. And not hot as in wear more jumpers and sweat excessively every day.

No, no, no.

Ok, let's break this down. Every year, someone out there makes the resolution to lose weight/be more healthy/improve their figure blah blah blah.

I? Cannot be arsed with diets. I do not diet. The end. I may exercise on occasion. Which is often followed by a large meal. And sometimes chocolate. And maybe alcohol. This isn't to say that I'm going to give up the good stuff, because I'm not. I'm not even going to set myself up for that because it would be a sheer miracle if I lasted a week.

And so, I plan to learn to love what I am on the outside, in the small hope that I can enjoy the inside a little more. Which means that there may be a few more subtle changes in the things I blog. Things that are sex related (omfg she just said s-e-x in her blog no fucking way she's a w-h-o-r-e), things that are pervy (omg did she just say perve, she's gonna hit on all of us) and hopefully things that reflect a lot more confidence, especially in my physical self (oh see now she just turned into a cocky shit).

I know this sounds like a really, REALLY stupid resolution. In fact, it is. I don't deny that. At. All. Like, how the fuck can a person be hot? I have no idea. But what I DO know is that I've really let myself go over the last two years. My excuse? Being a mom. I've lived in craptastic nursing bras and nursing tops for two years, the average colour of my knicker collection is black, the majority of them are big enough to cover most of Scotland (with no lace in sight), my face is often "can you tell I just got out of bed" and more often than not, it's a good week if I have more than three showers.

True story.

My sex life sucks, and needs a serious revamp. Which I am (we are) already working on, and I'm expecting not only to actually have sex, but indulge in places outside of the bedroom. Which would be lovely, especially as Isaac STILL lives in our room (would someone please just hurry up and buy our fucking house already?). And also? Positions. And outfits. And toys.

To be honest, I feel really bad, since I lost all sex drive after having Noah. An 11lb baby will do that to you. Add another 11lb baby less than two years later, and you're pretty much fucked.

Or...uh, not.

I need to make sure I look good, to help me FEEL good. I may not look hot, and I won't appeal to all, but as long as I appeal to the right people (me, hubs, friends, random hot people), then that's all I give a shit about.

Oh, and sorry, but the colourful language is here to stay.

Bitches.
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Every Time I Start Something, My Brain Shuts Down
@cosmicgirlie
I have no idea what I'm going to say right now, so let's just see where this goes, huh??

I've been pounding my website trying to get it to look like something that might be slightly worthwhile, in aid of YOR. I'm hoping to God that I haven't taken on too much, because now I'm at the point where the title of this post is disturbingly true. See, I should be working on the site now, but instead whenever I open Wordpress, I feel remaining brain matter seeping out of my Facial Orifices.

(Awesome segue)

And speaking of Facial Orifices, we're full on FOF here at Mocha Towers. So much frigging snot and phlegm everywhere it's actually quite disturbing. I wake up wondering if I'm really alive, and have not, in fact, drowned in it in my sleep. And even more lovely is that Noah likes to play with baby wipes, and also wipe his nose on them. So of course, I can't tell which ones he's used and which ones he's, uh, "used".

(Another awesome segue)

Which reminds me, Noah having ventured into the world of two year olds, seems to be fully indulging himself in discovering his rights (and wrongs) as a growing toddler. Unfortunately he appears to have turned into me; having become very strong willed (like, more than before) and taking any opportunity to yell the words "Gaga - OH!!" (Isaac - NO!), regardless of what Isaac is doing.

(Yes another segue. I'm on FIRE)

On the subject of Isaac, he seems to um, have learnt way too much for his own good. He's mastered the art of Crumple Faced Crying (forced tears and everything), and thoroughly enjoys ripping the lounge apart. I'd say it's good fun, but it's old now. Am bored. Isaac - NO!

Anyway, back to the original subject (no amazing segue, I'm spent); I'm enjoying the (few) pictures I'm taking, and still looking for more subjects. It's been so frustrating as I feel like I've got NOTHING. DONE. Like, nothing. I've barely taken anywhere near as many pictures as I'd like, instead deleting maybe a billion duplicates off the macbook (thus clearing up nearly 30gb of space. I suspect that says a lot about my life.) in order to add more, well, crap.

Anyhoo.

I'm still working on YOR, that much is true. I'm refusing to pay anyone to do the website for me (apart from initial startup help, like wtf is Wordpress, and also, wtf is Wordpress again) and I'll keep working at it until I get something I find reasonably presentable.

So maybe around the summer, when I've completely lost interest and am busy working on February, March and April's resolutions.


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The Case of the Stolen Identity
@cosmicgirlie
Every day I have a new idea. Every day I think to myself, "I wanna be like them. I wanna do what he does. I wanna be as good as her." All too often, I doubt myself, and what I can do.

And then comes the question that I dread so much; "Well what can I do?" I have no confidence in myself. The classical music industry has been such a blow to my system, with many of the people in it pretty much destroying any last shreds of confidence I had. I spend way too much time kidding myself, pretending to be something I'm not.

It's made even harder when you've spent your life, your soul, every inch and ounce of your fibre making something of yourself, only to have someone turn around and say "actually, you're pretty crap and you'd be much better doing something else". I wonder if it hurt more because I didn't want to do anything else; music was what I wanted to do. I wanted to (and very often, did) work harder than everyone else, to prove myself, to show that I could be as good as them.

At this moment in time, it feels like the most amazing waste of 24 years of my life.

I set standards high. Sky high. Often, so high, it's near impossible for me to reach them myself. This is just because of sheer determination, to show that I could be as good as the next person. But it's been wasted. And still here I am, setting high standards I can never reach.

I want to do so much. I want to show people who I am and what I can do. I want to be as amazing as the next person. I want to have a gift, a talent, and shine like no one else. Or at least, be recognised for what I'm doing. That doesn't happen in music anymore. That's been destroyed.

Maybe it's photography? I don't know. I love a lot of the pictures I take, but there's always someone who wants to come along and crap on the parade. That frustrates me so much. I'm trying so damn hard and trying to learn so much. I've had help from a few select people in terms of photography, and I'm loathe to bother people too much because I know they have their own lives to lead, without having to take my crap on too.

I'm slowly (so slowly) building my website and getting lots of help with it, and to those that have helped me, I can't thank you enough. You've been amazing. But I would hate to think it had all been in vain. I wonder where this photography thing is going to go. If anywhere at all. People keep saying "Come and do my pictures! I'd love you to do some pics for me!" which is really flattering. But that annoying voice...that voice that's plagued me for so many years since I was ill the first time, always destroys me.

I think I'm getting too big for my boots. I'm convinced there are a billion people out there who, in the words of a Fugee's song, "smile in my face then they talk behind my back". I hate this paranoia, it's destroying me, and it's all too reminiscent of being ill before.

I want my identity back. A lot of people have been posting about this lately, and sadly, it feels like everyone can even say what I want to say, better than I can.

So why do I have this horrible need to constantly compare myself with everyone else? Why do I not appreciate any of the things I can do? Why do I not know who I am? Why can I not be who I want to be? Why can't I just get on and do what I want to do?

And my only answer is a really sad one, but the only one that makes sense: it's because I became a mom. Mom's are always comparing themselves. My kid did this, did your kid do that, I do this with mine, I'd never do that with mine...

The things I loved to do don't happen any more. I haven't picked up my cello since last November. I may possibly have another concert this year, if they ask me to play, and if I'm in a position to do so. I haven't picked up any other instruments LONG before that. I love to take pictures, but whilst I think some are great (especially the unedited ones), inside I'm destroying myself about how crap they really are. Same old trite, someone else already did it.

I don't know who I am because I've never been a mom before, and I don't know who I am as a mom; after 2 years I'm still struggling to embrace it, and often make myself sick with sadness with the fact that I can't accept Noah and Isaac belong to me. I can't be who I want to be because even if I did know, I suspect it would be impossible right now. Or maybe ever. Because it's probably another goal that I've set too high.

I'm so lost and I don't know how to find myself. And I'm too scared to find myself because I'm terrified it's all going to crumble like my music did. I can't ever go through that again. I really can't. I can't trust the support of anyone because I'm convinced it's all lies. I don't know how to get help and support; I don't know how to fix any of this.

I'd just like a piece of me back. But I'm not sure if she's all gone forever.
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Shhhh. Wait.
@cosmicgirlie
I AM around... And I WILL do a proper post soon...but in light of this?

I'm working on this.

And then I need to do this, because of this.

Things are looking kinda good now.
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This Is How It's Gonna Go.
@cosmicgirlie
Everyone's been doing resolutions. New Year Resolutions.

You know what I suck at?

New Year Resolutions.

I just can't do them. If I'm lucky, I can last...hmmm...maybe 4 hours. 6 if it's a particularly good resolution. But most often? I've forgotten it (them) within minutes of thinking about it (them).

So I've been trawling through the masses of Revolutionary Resolutionary blogs, when suddenly, one blog I particularly enjoy came up with something that is indeed Revolutionary:

"Year of Resolutions"

That is to say, rather than coming up with a whole ton of crap on 1st Jan that you'll have forgotten by 2nd Jan that same year, you have a new resolution every month, to work through for that month. Make it a habit, for only a month, and after then, it should be automatic.

Right?

Right.

I LOVE this idea. And I'm really hoping Karl doesn't mind me jumping on board too. So I'm going to make a resolution, a new one, at the start of every month. I'll be intrigued to see if any of you do it too, and I'm sure Karl might appreciate your support.

My first resolution? Hmm.

I think it's going to be career related. I've been toying with photography for almost a year now, and my latest "serious" snaps have come out really well I think. And one thing I've become even more aware of is my growing disinterest in music.

So...*gulp*

Let's say this first month, I will make every effort to begin my photography business venture. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But I'd like to be able to say that I made a fucking good start with it, and hope that it continues to go somewhere for the forseeable. I've already done three official shoots, and I'm potentially booked for another four, in the hope that I can continue to build up my portfolio.*

As you all know, I have very little faith in myself, so declaring this as official is quite fucking scary. But I think it's time to take some very fucking big steps. Away from music. And into something I enjoy. I have no idea what will happen, but we'd never know until I tried, right?

...right.

* A very small selection of photos are on my flickr page; if you have a flickr account I would love to hear from you
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