@cosmicgirlie
Tomorrow I'm booked in for a massage and accupressure. Yeeah.

I'm still pregnant. Yeeah.

You know perfectly well if there's any action in the next 24/48 hours, I will let you know. Fo Sho!

A PEA NUU EYA!!
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@cosmicgirlie
Week: 39+2 days
Month: 10 (Jesus Christ on a parmesan and poppy seed cracker)
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 37 weeks (it'll be ready for college when it comes out)
Fetal Heartbeat: Still there thank the lord
Size: Much too long
Time to go: 5 days (HAH! Not even due date yet)
Full Term: 16 days ago
Days til New Year: 3 days (urhm...)

Haha yeh I'm still pregnant.

Still spotting, still power walking round Sainsburys, still cramping etc etc...in fact, just so I remember, pre-labour seems to consist of many of the following:

~ Spotting
~ Cramping
~ Nausea
~ Dizziness
~ Crazy Braxton Hicks
~ Back ache
~ Nesting
~ Desperation
~ The need to kill someone/something
~ more that I just can't remember right now

The end of pregnancy is something that no woman should have to go through. In fact, we should be put to sleep until it's born, and this should happen at around 36 weeks, just before that moment when you realise that it's no longer fun, but in fact your crotch is permanently on fire, you're desperate for alcohol and that heartburn DOES in fact plague you day and night.

And people. People people people. What is with this 'are you a mum yet?' 'Have you had it yet?' 'Are you still pregnant?'

Well yes I've had it, I just forgot about it, you know? Did I forget to mention that I pushed a frigging melon the same weight as a bowling ball out of my Mary Jane? Did I not tell you that this belly I have is in fact just excess fat left over from Xmas Dinner?* You dumb asses, YES I'm still preggo and I will TELL YOU when I've had the goddamn baby so STOP HARASSING ME. Cos you know, enough pressure already.

My latest trick? (Cos there's always at least one...) I drink something, and then burp it straight back up. It doesn't even taste acidic because it didn't even get that far. I get to drink everything twice.

Awesome.

*Ham and parmesan salad to start, whole salmon stuffed with spinach, spring onions and mozarella for mains and xmas pud for desert. Ohhhhhhhh yehhhhhhhh.
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@cosmicgirlie
Dammit. Useless pointless goddamn contractions and spotting that amount to shit all.

And so, we wait.
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@cosmicgirlie
Week: 38+2 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 36 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Er, yes
Size: Lengthy
Time to go: 11 days
Full Term: 9 days ago
Days til xmas: 3 days (shit)

And I don't mean Spot the Dog. So, the only other alternative would be me. Spotting. And lots of it. D and I went to Sainsburys this morning (at 8am no less. "manic laughter") and finished the Christmas food shopping. As usual, Mocha decided that if I'm walking, it's gonna try walking too (on my ribs). Not a problem quite used to that now. Even impressed myself on the speed in which we got round the shop (done within the hour).*

Got back, went to the loo, spotting. Right there. Hoorah! And Oh shit, I said. D had a look! Hoorah! And Oh shit, what do we do now? He said. Isn't it funny that for all my arrogant research, everything flies out my head when the shit starts to hit the fan. I called mum, let her know what's going on, and left it at that. What else can I do? Go and finish wrapping D's presents (thank you SOOOO much Anthony and Darren, your timing is impeccable). So I did, went to the loo again 2 hours later.

More spotting.

I'm not panicking about the immenent birth of the child, I'm panicking in case something's going wrong and the buggers try to send me to hospital. Mocha is still moving absolutely fine, my back has a dull ache to it and the BH are still going strong. I feel fine. Tired of course, mild cramping, back ache, swollen feet and dry skin**, but otherwise fine. Heh.

I'm thinking I'd like to NOT be pushing on Xmas day. Yes I know, I have no choice in the matter blah blah blah, but an Xmas day baby? Please, come on. Poor child. I'd have it's birthday changed by default (is that even allowed?)

The house is actually ready now. Mocha's room all complete (including the outrageously cute clothes bought for it by Uncle K from Baby Gap - good lord I almost dribbled on them) - two coats (winter and summer), Converse All Star Hi-Tops and a bodysuit (in blue). This child is gonna be so spoilt. But that's ok.

The lounge is all moved around and MW#2 has left her bag of fun tricks ready for delivery. I was gutted to discover there was no gas and air in there! That could've been fun, hehe!

Had a few major cleaning outbursts over the last week, promptly followed by passing out on the sofa. Hey, don't judge me. I sleep easier in the day. And at least I'm cleaning! You'd normally have to put a bomb under me to get me to do that stuff...

Here's a question: Can a cat tell when you might be going into labour soon?

I have to say, I never thought about how much this spotting would bother me, mainly I think because I haven't 'spotted' onto a pad since the miscarriage in Feb. So I guess that's the only association I have with it... and I guess it's a bit of a freak out.

Anyhoo.

Guess I'll be on the loo every two hours (cos you know, there's something new...)

* If you're ever shopping and the place is full of stupid whores, put random items in their trollies, or even just walk off with their trolley when they're not looking. Omg so funny.

** No stretch marks yet bitches, Haaaaaaaa!!!! ***

*** I'll regret I said that.
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@cosmicgirlie
Week: 36+6 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 35 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Ummm...
Size: Long
Time to go: 22 days
Full Term: 1 day
Days til xmas: 13 days (heh)

Complete! COMPLETE!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!! COOOOOOOMPLEEEEEEEEEEEETE!



And finally...





And while we're on the subject of finally frigging finished;



New and (drastically) improved:



Fabulous. So so very fabulous.

And also:



This was a LOT of fun, but now I just need to decide how to paint it...we're thinking of hanging it on one of the walls in the nursery (as a pleasant reminder...) so I guess I'll go for the same neutral colours. I also need to clean the bathroom. Again.

I'm still intrigued by the regularity of these BH, they're there pretty much one on top of the other a lot of the time now. They still don't hurt, and the only real pain is my ass-bone which I think Mocha is using as a crude pillow, and the odd backache and lower abdomen ache. None of which is anything to write home about. Whatever. As long as nothing happens before tomorrow then I don't care.

Having a fabulous time with indigestion these days - I particularly love the whole thing about 'following through' on a belch, coughing on that teeny bit of barf in my mouth, then hoping and praying to DEAR GOD that I wouldn't actually spew. And especially when you're already sat on the loo having a wee and wondering whether you could cleanly projectile vomit as far as the sink.

Because that's just hassle I can do without. Thankfully I discovered sleeping bent at a 45 degree angle in bed, along with the worlds largest pillow seems to help immensely, despite not appearing to be very comfortable. Seriously? When sleep escapes you? You take any damn position you can get.

D and I went to see The Nutcracker at the Hippodrome last night - OMG it was awesome. Scenery, dancing, costumes - it was all amazing!! I think Mocha enjoyed it too, and was particularly fidgety during Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy...damn that foot attacking my right hand side (future ballet dancer?). I have to say it made a nice treat for me, knowing that it was going to be a while until I'd get to do something like that again. Certainly not before Mocha's born anyway. Gotta say, LA is a legend for organizing those tickets as a prize at the CEE ball. BRILLIANT!!

The Carpal Tunnel thing is a little scary now. I can't bend my fingers at all in the mornings, and my hands are pretty much useless throughout the whole day. Then it'll get to about 9, maybe 10 o clock PM when I can start to move them. Then I fall asleep. And we're back to square one! I've ordered some wrist splints to try out over night in the hope that they're not so crap in the mornings, because it's getting quite frustrating asking D to open bottles and jars for me all the time. And needless to say, typing is becoming interesting. Apparently my feet are a little swollen too, but I haven't seem them in a while so couldn't comment.

I don't need to say much about the next pic, apart from many thanks to Darren and Anthony at Your Big Day Photography

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@cosmicgirlie
Week: 36+0 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Ummm...
Size: Long
Time to go: 27 days
Full Term: 6 days

HAH I had record Braxton Hicks the other night. I managed every 10 minutes for about an hour and a half. Amazingly I sat calm only because they didn't hurt. Mocha fidgeted as usual. D freaked out when he realised what I was timing on my phone. Needless to say, they amounted to nothing which was of course fine with me; I have absolutely no intention of this baby coming out before next week Thursday. Anytime after then is fine, but after Saturday 15th might be even better because at least then MW#2 will have dropped off her box of goodies.

Internet: Ahw look at you, talking like you know exactly when your baby is gonna come. Stupid naieve whore...

Me: *holds up three fingers* Pick one.

I know I can't predict, it's the dumbest thing to try and predict. I know that. But there's no way on this planet I'm having it before next Thursday. Because then it'll premature, and we're not going down that road...

D has landed a job working from home 3 days a week - I'm so over the moon for him. Especially as he's significantly struggling to even leave the house before Mocha's born...! But anyway, I think he starts it next week and hopefully, he'll be able to actually do the work...we'll see...

Mocha has a new trick, it's hilarious. (Detect very dry sarcasm.) A little bottom and foot sticks out the front of my belly whilst simultaneously a foot sticks out my side, narrowly missing rib cage. 30 seconds later, they'll disappear. Then reappear. Then disappear. You get the gist.

People keep asking if the movements have slowed down/reduced yet. Um, hell no. It probably doesn't help drinking gallons of fruit juice (Shuttup, I need the vitamin C...). And I'm wondering if Mocha is gonna be one of those babies that just never sleeps. If that's the case then I honestly don't mind, but if it's accompanied with endless crying, I shall be thoroughly pissed.

I cannot be held responsible for the sudden murder of my noisey neighbours.

Here's something interesting (or perhaps utterly boring) - I have a new phone. It's a Samsung G600 and while I've been a Sony Ericsson lover since the T610 (5 years ago???) it was a hell of a step to switch. The fun part came this morning when I tried to do my weekly belly pic, and suddenly realised I didn't know how to hold the phone, taking a picture of my hand instead. Dear god. But still, it does the job, and I can go back to the K800i should I become utterly desperate.

I've been wondering why my left boob has been so itchy since I put my clothes on this morning. I finally just shoved my hand in the bra wondering if I'd dropped food crumbs in there - and found a £10 note I'd shoved in there. I'd taken it out my jeans this morning to go in the wash but didn't have my purse to hand. Jesus Christ on a cracker in a blanket.

It's the Hollywood All Stars Xmas Bash this weekend, an evening full of...um, crap. A pathetic comedian, a very dull band that plays nothing but horrific covers, and a small plate of questionable cold finger buffet food.

D and I will also be having an Xmas Bash this weekend, only we're using the money for our tickets to go shopping for our own FABULOUS buffet food, and plan on doing nothing but stupid stuff all day. Including watching stupid films, making crazy cocktails (non alcoholic of course for me) and playing mad games.

Oh, and of course playing music as loudly as possible (including all questionable tracks from my Christmas list, such as Who Put the Stump, Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire, Walking Round in Women's Underwear and anything by John Denver and the Muppets.


MUMS Just in case you wanted to know.
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@cosmicgirlie
Week: 35+4 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: I wasn't listening
Size: Larger than before
Time to go: 29 days
Full Term: 8 days

It's here it's here!!! I have me a BPIAB and it's frigging awesome. It arrived yesterday and we pumped it up and everything. Didn't fill it though, the room wasn't ready. But OMG it's so cool. It has a seat. And handles. And squishiness. Ooooh yes. D likes it too, he's really pleased.

D and I did a belly cast last night. It's hilarious. Should hopefully be able to decorate it in a few days.

MW#2 is actually ok with homebirth!! We went to clinic today all psyched up for a battle, and she was was fine. Hoorah! She's coming round on Saturday 15th to leave the 'Box of Treats' ready for the birth, and to discuss all the stuff. Oh yes indeedio, I'mma have me a home birth.

Yes I know what you're thinking.

Me: Haha bitches, that's right, I'm having a home birth! *dances*

Internet: *smirk* It'll all fall apart and you'll end up in hospital splayed out in theatre while they hack you open and rip your child out in the most gruesome way possible. Then you won't see your child for three weeks and you'll be locked away for insanity.

Me: ...exaggerate much?

Internet: No. We just like to tell it like it is.

Me: Ok, well while you're doing that, I'm going to be busy giving birth at home.

Internet: Uh, good luck, biatch.

I've been intrigued by the responses from those who're in the know on our plans. Some are great, some are wary but supportive, and then there's the 'You are seriously insane and will probably die'. Those are the ones that make me sad...I know all too well I could end up in hospital, and know that it'll be for good reasons, on my terms. I also know people are on the lookout for me. I guess sometimes it's hard when you just assume (stupidly) that everyone will be happy for you.

I also get tired of the horror stories; it seems strange that people who had a horrific birth are desperate to share it, whilst those who had fantastic births tend to stay quiet. I've spoken to soooooo many people, and the Fantastic Births almost seem to want to find some way to taint their story, which makes me a little sad. Are we a society that is so used to having crappy news to share?

One thing that I AM thankful for is that one or two of the people who were anti-home have had a switch around in the last few days and are really supportive. One of them even brought round a massive black bag full of old sheets and blankets (thanks Mum).

MW#2 says Mocha is 4/5 engaged. YEAH baby. She's really cool, though I do miss MW#1. Still, at least we have a MW, and should hopefully not have to worry about moving on to MW#3, #4 or #5 unlike some. Still, I think I'm past caring who we get, as long as we actually get one (did you know that D could be prosecuted if he delivers Mocha? Good God...)

I finally got my pictures put up in the nursery. I'm still waiting for D to put the curtains up. I swear I'm determined not to lose my marbles. I'm hoping he'll do it either tomorrow or this weekend. He's gonna be busy because he's already got the lounge to move around to fit the pool in properly.

I'm so glad having a baby doesn't take much preparation.
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@cosmicgirlie
Week: 35+1 day
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 33 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 134 bpm
Size: Large. Ish.
Time to go: 33 days

So. Sleep. Hmm. I know what it is....but I'm scared of it. Scared! Hah.

No seriously.

I know that everytime I lie down, I'll be faced with an aching hip, a numb leg, the need to go to the loo, wanting to turn over and screaming in pain, and most of all, the best bit, feeling the acid and bile rise in my chest and struggling not to throw up over the side of the bed. Especially as I'm sleeping on D's side of the bed (so I'm closer to the bathroom LOL).

So I'm experimenting with new sleeping positions. Sitting up is a favourite at the moment. Yeh. S'great.

However, I'm one of the happiest bunnies alive - we've been ok'd our homebirth. Hoorah!! I gotta admit, I'm stupidly excited, and have just ordered the birthing pool, which should hopefully arrive tomorrow. OMG A home birth, in a pool, it's just unreal!!!!! I watched a home birth on tv where they rold the girl that a midwife wasn't available when she was at the height of her labour. She told them to screw it, she's not going, and gave birth at home anyway. I am truly inspired.

Although, at the consultant meeting, I had to love how the consultant didn't know where to look for the heartbeat until I told her, and then exclaimed genuine surprise when she DID find it on the same side as Mocha...after asking me three times. And people wonder why I want a home birth????!!

House is almost on the way back to normal; Mr Tiler and Mr Builder have both finished, now we're just waiting for Mr Floor Person to do floor, while D finishes painting the ceiling (tomorrow). We cleaned the carpets in the bedroom and lounge yesterday so all the furniture is all over the place (seriously, do people do this to wind me up? See how much it'll take me to break??). I started moving stuff back in because it's sending me up the wall and I just want a tidy house dammit! I swear I could actually lose my marbles soon...

My neighbours need shooting.

I'm trying to get Mocha addicted to Charmed. Singing the theme song loudly seems a good place to start.

Today is the FF Baby Shower - my gift from B is sitting right here and MAN I wanna open it now. Some of the ladies already opened theirs (yesterday!!!!!! lol) and posted pics - their gifts look so cool. I'm hoping S likes what I sent, I tried to stick with a theme, though I stupidly forgot to take a pic before I sent them. So here they are kinda ripped from Mothercare.

Thanks Mothercare.



I've just had an email to say the pool has been shipped already!!!! OMG this is so cool.

D and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary on Sunday - merciful heavens where did the year go??!? We went back to Grafton Manor for lunch which was really nice, if a little surreal; we hadn't been back since the wedding and it felt very strange though we're not quite sure why. Maybe because it seemed like it was only yesterday.

Btw, it's 12 days 'til I'm considered full term.


5w3d and 35w.
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 34+1 days
Month: 8
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 32 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 138 bpm
Size: 33 cm
Time to Go: 41 days

Hahaha!

So I remembered about blogging. Cos it's been...roughly...

Umpteen billion years. There's good reason though!

No, wait, there isn't. I got tired. I got bored. I got lazy. I got faaarrrrrrr too depressed...

So let me see if I remember how this works. I write stuff, aaaaannnd...that's pretty much it. So now I need to catch up on the last umpteen months. Well christ I don't know if I can do that...I can gloss over stuff though! Let's see.

DPA - they finally suspended me after me trying to work at R as a classroom assistant. It nearly killed me and I ended up going for emergency physio. Yeh that was fun.

Sciatica - not so bad at the minute, but I also have SPD to go with it. Ahhh it's so much fun! Kinda like being kicked in the crotch with steel-toe hub-capped boots. Repeatedly. It's a laugh a minute!

The House: Phase 1 (Bathroom) - Oh my god we've had no bathroom for the last month. MONTH. The lovely G&M next door gave me their spare key so I could use their loo. I may have died a hideous death otherwise. But it's starting to look great now. It's just a shame that Mr Builder likes to show up when he thinks it's appropriate (like this morning when the sink and shower could be fitted and there's NO FREAKING SIGN of him). Mr Tiler has done a fab job though, I'm quite pleased. Just sink, shower, grout and floor to go in then it's complete. Pretty straightforward, huh?

Hmm...



The House: Phase 2 (Nursery) - it's lovely. I love it. Only, I can barely get in there because at the moment all Mocha's stuff is stacked in the crib until I feel happy enough to sort it out. Or, eg, until the frigging bathoom is done and I feel safe in my own goddamn home again (I do NOT like having the fucking toilet and sink stored in the bedroom, thank you very much Mr Builder. That's a sure-fire way of turning me into crazy psycho preggo woman.)

The House: Phase 3 (Home Birth) - yes you read correctly. Whether it will happen is a different matter as everyone seems to be against it (well, anyone in the medical profession. "SPD!" "First time mum!" "We're too scared!!". DH is actually really keen on the idea. The birth unit at BWH is horrible. Hospital is a hospital no matter how much you dress it up. The idea of giving birth at home is one of the best ideas we've had this pregnancy. I hope to god it happens. And of course, I'll kick ass on the way if someone says no.

Me - I'm ok. I have Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, Sciatica, Symphisis Pubis Dysfunction and my nose bleeds weekly when I throw up. I live on banana milk and salt. But you know what? I'm good. Actually, I'm great. And why?

Mocha - Oh my god I love this child so much and it's not even born yet. I haven't even seen it. Well, we kind of have, at a 4d scan:





Ohhhhhh my god how cute is this child?



I am totally NOT biased. At all. Seriously.

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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 17+1 day
Month: 5
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 15 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 139 bpm
Size: 12.5 - 14 cm
Time to Go: 159 days
Hahahahahahahaha! The Situation has reached all new heights, especially when I called up Personnel yesterday and found they hadn't been notified of my pregnancy, which they SHOULD have been told about since I told work...Oh dear, tut tut tut. And another tut for good luck (and fun). So hopefully they're gonna send me a load of stuff, whilst I 'Discuss Things' with JT. Needless to say, I intend to kick ass, because the stress of this has been ridiculous. And 'Discuss Things', is a slightly non descript way of saying 'Take it Up Another Notch', or 'Show People What Happens When You Try To Fuck Me Over Good And Proper', or perhaps even 'Seriously, Do Not Screw With The Pregnant Lady'. Or in plain English, 'I'm Gonna Go All Legal On Yo Ass'.

The Lovely DrMc advised me yesterday (as I collected another sick note) that if I do Discuss Things, then they have plenty of documentation to back me up all the way. This makes me strangely satisfied, because I finally feel like I'm starting to get some real support, the support I should have had from people involved in The Situation back in May (too late now guys, too late now...)

Physio on Wednesday was also entertaining - I have a Maternity Belt! I am the all time fashionista queen.

It's hideous.

Like a big white thing, with boney things on it that secures itself around my fat ass. It doesn't even look like a long t-shirt or something. It's almost hilarious. And something even funnier? If I'm sitting with my back up against something and my legs stretched out in front of me, I can't lift my left leg off the floor! You're lucky if you get about 2 inches lift. Right leg of course, shoots up to the heavens with little to no effort. It's quite amusing to watch...

Still on the crutches. Even The Physio Nurse was impressed with how fast I could get around them. I got skills.
And now on to some more good news (see? I can do happy posts once in a while) - one of the car seats arrived this morning, and I actually got a teensy bit excited. I just spent 15 minutes working out how to adjust it and stuff, and it's really easy. Absolute bargain too (thank you Mamas & Papas sale).

AM has taken the snakes so I can now start some real work on the nursery - which reminds me, I must find the wallpaper steamer remover thingy in the garage. And find somewhere to put the doube bass.

You know what's really nice? I think I'm finally starting to get excited. The days still drift by, and I feel minimal connection to Mocha - much as I want to spend time rubbing the belly and reading stories to a lopsided bump, it's still difficult to do. I'm obviously aware about her wellbeing, and more often than not, when I'm on the Slippery Slope, all I can think about is 'is she ok, I hope I'm not hurting her'.

I'd hate to hurt her. I'd hate to know that a perfect beautiful little baby Mocha could have been harmed by my stupidity or some kind of selfishness. I want her to be perfect. If she's not, I'll blame myself for a million years. I know she'll be loved. I know I'll love her to the ends of the Earth and time. But I find it so hard to love something that still doesn't seem real yet. Yeh She moves (though not felt it much lately) and there's a bump which screams hello every morning, and for the love of God if my belt isn't round my ass, I feel sick, but it's still so hard to connect.

I hope I do connect soon though, because I'd really like to get to know Mocha, real soon.

5 wks 17wks
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 16+5 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 15 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 14o bpm
Size: 11 - 12 cm
Time to Go: 162 days

Oh my god I want a Petunia Pickle Bottom Diaper Bag. Please. Please. Please. I almost don't even care which one. Any one will do. Please. Any. Please.

So the ball has started rolling and I'm getting more healthcare at home. A counsellor came round yesterday and she was sooooooooo helpful. I'm impressed at how fast they get things going. I'm wondering whether to go to IE for extreme help if there isn't any progress.

Anyway, enough of the dull stuff.

Mocha is kicking daily, though I still don't know what actually makes her kick; still, it helps to know she's still alive. I find it amusing that I seem to be hitting the uncomfortable stage, despite only being 16 weeks. Hehe that's really funny (I seem to actually be a pansy).

And before I forget (or go) I thought I'd post this from FF - it's kinda funny.

You know you're pregnant when...

You're filling in a form for something, preggo brain kicks in and you can't remember your date of birth/address/age/name

People suddenly take a slightly creepy interest in your stomach area

Your doc says 'Please lift your top so I can feel/listen' and you realise you're gonna have to do it without batting an eyelid

A corned beef, egg mayo, pickle and cheese sandwich sounds GREAT

You either have a passionate craving for a specific food or you don't have any interest in eating at all.

You take a plate and silverware out to eat lunch. Place them on the counter and while waiting for your lunch to cook, start washing the dishes in the sink. when your lunch is ready you wonder where your plate and silverware went. Then you realize you washed them along with the dirty dishes

You pay the lady at the drive-through, take your change, and then drive off without your food.

You have an emergency stash of antacids in every room of the house, plus your car and your desk at work--and these all need to be replaced frequently.

You're gasping for the loo, feel like you haven't been for DAYS even though you went 20 minutes ago; you finally pee, and produce just enough to fill half an eggcup.

You get excited about the discovery of a new way to mix fruit juice and club soda to produce a "cocktail." And you put it in a fancy glass with garnish to bolster the illusion.

You are ROASTING and sweating, thinking you are going to DIE from the heat, and everyone around you is cold.

One minute you want to rip your DH's clothes off and dtd but the next minute you want to shoot him for leaving his dirty dishes in the sink/dirty socks on the floor/dirty anything anywhere near you

Just watching movie previews about love stories, romantic comedies, dramas etc makes you cry - and the movie hasn't even started yet

You step out of the shower, grab your softest, fluffiest towel and STILL feel like your nipples are going to fall off.


Oh, and just in case you weren't sure about Petunia Pickle Bottom, here is a link to some of the Funkiest. Bags. Ever.

Please.
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@cosmicgirlie
...FF hit the nail on the head. It's good to have people who GENUINELY want to help you with POSITIVE support and advice.
Also thnk it's gonna help to have things to look forward to.

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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 15+4 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 142 bpm
Fetal Size: 10.8 - 11.6 cm
Time to Go: 170 days

Nooooo!!!! It was all good!! And then it went crap. And then it was good again! And now I just don't know. Things are going well, but I'm struggling to shake the crap. Yep, not as bad as I was, thoroughly grateful blah blah blah...

Only you know what? The opinionated people can just go away (and I would just like to add at this point I just changed position to type better, my bladder is full and Mocha is trying to kick seven kinds of crap out of me. Only it just tickles. For now. I'm probably squashing her and stunting her growth her something.) because I know what I think, I know what I believe and I'm tired of hearing stuff that I really don't care for.

'Well don't ask then!' shout all the sensible people of the world.

I didn't think I did...and I know people mean well, but I just never seem to agree on what they have to say. Instead, it usually just grates against me. *tsk* Some people have useful stuff though...it's just so few and far between. I'm wondering what they'll say on FF.

On a happier note (because I am THAT determined...and this is one of those blogs about a load of crap) DH is taking the day off tomorrow so we can go shopping/do some more on the nursery/fix the garden/anything to take my mind off crap. I think I'm starting to look forward to Tunisia, maybe it'll work nicely as a diversionary tactic. It'll also make the Summer go by just that lil bit quicker!

We also spent loads of time on the nursery on Saturday. The moving around a whole lot kept the old leg active. Doing a weeks worth of rehearsals, however, left me crippled so THAT was, um, confusing. But anyway, the nursery is now empty (apart from the baby stuff...which I really wanna play with...and the laundry. And the snakes. And the rancid carpet and 70 year old wallpaper. But we got time. Let me change that to nearly empty.) and there's not much else to do until we strip walls floor and ceiling, and furniture to arrive. Which I think should be October. Or November. Or a million years away because that's what it feels like.




Oh, and the router. And double bass hidden behind the laundry.



And the random crap on the wall. And on the windowsill.

DH bought a new lawnmower, I bought some passionflower plants. We're so domesticated...hehehe. But I can't complain! Right? Because, you know, it's doing stuff, and you know, takes my mind off The Situation (which is getting MUCH better I think) even though it's STILL ongoing, and anyway, you know, things are um. Not so bad.

(Then why, pray tell, am I not convinced?)

(and who in the world says pray tell?)

Actually I just remembered I had a fabulous breakthrough with one of my LRSM cello pieces; Bloch Nigun, 2nd page with the evil double stopping. Still can't play it, but worked out what fingers I should actually be using, rather than trying to contort my hand and stuff. Well, not contort my hand as much as I was. Anyway.

So that means I'm over halfway...I think I need to get off my ass and research whether I do Rachmaninov or Schumann. I will not give up dammit! I'm due another qualification. Just one that I would like, rather than one someone else thinks I would like. Hah!

I need meat now. You know what's good? Corn beef, egg mayo and Branston Pickle sandwiches. Oh my god yum.
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@cosmicgirlie
Because you know, I post so often, there's just too much info for you...errrrrrr yes hi.

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 15+0 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 13 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 140 bpm
Fetal Size: 10.8 - 11.6 cm
Time to Go: 174 days

Crutches do NOT slow me down, no siree bob. Yes, I'm actually faster on them, it's hilarious. DH and I went to Taste of Birmingham on Saturday, and I used the crutches from physio. It was great. Of course my hands were screwing at the end of the day, my arms were shattered and I was ready to collapse, but MAN it was so nice to be able to move around. Hehehe. And faster than on Heelys too. Ooooooohhhhh yes.

The Situation continues to drag along; Union contacted them and said 'Er hello? Risk Assessment?' and work said 'Oh yeh yeh...here ya go, take this generic one to keep you ticking over. If you're lucky, we may even arrange a meeting to make it a personal one. But that's if we pull our finger out.'

Lmao.

Spoken to JT about it some more, he's gonna draft me some legal looking stuff. Annoyingly, I'm still trying to decide if those involved in The Situation are genuinely being THAT stupid, or if they're trying to shaft me. If they're trying to shaft me, then I think I'd like to see considerable mess hitting some sort of fan, because I just want this whole thing resolved now. Wonder if I'm the only one.

I have some more pupils! I'm hoping I can hang on to them til maternity leave, and then hopefully my Old Friend will leave me the heck alone.

Ah yes. My Good Friend. Put in a guest appearance this week, and scared the living bejesus out of me. I didn't hit rock bottom, but I know I was close. That whole 'shall I breathe? Can I be bothered? Can I lift my head up to even acknowledge the question DH just asked? Do I even know the answer? Am I dead yet? Can I be?'

The most frightening (and perhaps sobering thought) was that classic guilt that I didn't want to upset people...not about my own demise, but about Mocha. When I realised I hadn't had any proper food for nearly three days and had slept on the sofa because I had no desire to go and sleep in a proper bed, I suddenly wondered what I was doing to her. I felt really bad. Strangely not as bad as I should have done, but I think part of that is because I don't believe in her yet. I wish I would, and pretty soon, it would help an awful lot.

It also doesn't help with the unecessary duration of The Situation, and I'm convinced that's one of the main reasons why I'm having trouble. Would be nice to know I don't have people spying on my every move (is that even allowed??)

On a completely non-related subject, with the support and advice of TT, I have decided that yes I CAN feel Mocha move. It's quite bizarre, like I'm being gently nudged from the inside! I'd love to say it's awesome, but I'm still struggling to believe it. I keep saying 'when it gets stronger, then yeh for sure blah blah', and so yeh, it got stronger and I'm still like 'blah blah'. I'll be convinced one day! Like maybe when she's ripping her way out of me.

I rediscovered facebook again the other week...it's so good to find ways to stay in touch with the world.
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 14+2 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 12 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 143 bpm
Fetal Size: 9.3-10.3 cm
Time to Go: 179 days

Ooooooooh my god life is funny as fuck. I'm on crutches! The union are involved at work! I went to an aqua-natal class! I woke up three times in one night from nightmares! It took me nearly three days to do my hair!!!!!!!!

LMAO.

Let's see...ok crutches. Physio appt on wednesday which scored me a very nice butt massage. Ok it was a girl doing it, but having never had a proper massage before, christ it felt good. Unfortunately, it ended in crutches (will I never get back on my Heelys?). They're quite entertaining though, I can move faster on those than without them, and I'm reaching speeds similar to those on my Heelys. Oh yeessssssss.

I spoke to a friend, JT, about work and I've been in touch with NASUWT. Seems like I've been doing all the right things so far it would seem, and hopefully I should have a risk assessment coming my way. Hopefully. I'm bored of doctors notes. And trying to find ways to get to the doctor. Maybe I'll go there on crutches. Could pick up some speed.

Anyway, we'll see.

And Aqua Natal - omg it was actually fun. And it didn't hurt. And I didn't scream like a banshee when I had to do lunges in the water. Have you ever had to do lunges with sciatica OUT of water? It's really not fun. Really. No, REALLY. Unfortunately, it hurt like an utter bitch the following day, but hey, I think it was worth it.

And even better? We got to use floats. Oh man I love those things, they're great (because I'm lazy?) and well, hey, it's just fun. I'm going back next week, for more fun and frolics, but I'm gonna be without a buddy soon, TT is 32 weeks and won't last much longer! Wonder who else I could drag along...

Ok what else do we have...oh yeh, nightmares. Well, serves me right I think. DH and I had some Moroccan Lamb and Mango Chicken wraps, which resulted in DH barfing most of the night and me screaming and flailing repeatedly all night. Good times! Ahh...good times...

And yes, finally my hair is done. Long, straight, black and red. It's kinda sinister, but I'm getting used to it.

And you know what? I might be going to Tunisia in a month. Ohhhhh yes, I heart last minute holidays. Everyone else can get screwed.
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@cosmicgirlie
Screw this, I clearly need to show you about the cuteness.
(Breathe a word to anyone about how cute I'm being, and I will be forced to post some not so cute pictures).



Yes these are Cute Baby Sized Cats. And DH has already begun the search for a matching hard hat to take Mocha out on site.

And as for Cutie McDuck,


well he belongs on the front of Mocha's outrageously cute clothes.



Did I say cute? Did I mention that? Because I meant to say CUTE dammit. CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!!!

Oh god.
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@cosmicgirlie
So I just realised all this time that I had disabled comments. Whilst I appreciate no one reads this blog, should you stumble upon it, you can now leave some sort of inappropriate comment.

Ha.
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 13+4 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 12 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 143 bpm
Fetal Size: 7.6 - 8.9 cm
Time to Go: 184 days


Soooo...is it gas? Or....is it...um...my bowels? Or perhaps...my oversized, overfilled bladder? Cos I know for sure at 13 weeks on a 1st pregnancy I can't be feeling Mocah move. I mean, ok she's around 3½inches, but holy crap! Feeling her move? Christ on a cracker. If it is her then that's awesome. If it's not, then I have some serious gas, which I could wholly believe because things haven't been uh, 'quiet' for a while.

Mum had a go with the doppler last week. I think she quite enjoyed it and was impressed with ours. She said it was actually better than the ones they use at the hospital, mainly because ours is waterproof and theirs isn't.

Hehe.

DH and I had a laugh the last two mornings; Mocha seems to making her pronounced announcement to the world. Usually first thing in the morning when I'm lying on my back with a full bladder. As a result this makes my abdomen look like the Peak District. My belly disappears between ribs and button, then there's this almighty bump and I can't see my pants. Yesterday it was perfectly central. This morning it undulated perfectly upwards on the left. I had to laugh...and of course, poke and prod.

And on Saturday, we went out for a meal with Jim and Tara, Tara currently being 31 weeks pregnant. And my god was she a breath of fresh air. It was so nice to talk to someone who was actually keen to talk shop, and wasn't overly neurotic! (I can cope with neuroticism as long as it's Within. Reason.) And in all fairness, she described her first feelings of movement and they're exactly the same as what I'm getting. I still think it's gas though (Oh the Cynicism!). And of course Jim was able to offer STACKS of advice on The Situation, and from what I described, actually thinks I might be being shafted. All being well I should hear something back from the Union this week.

Slightly satisfied grin.

DH had words with MIL last week. I couldn't help but smile...my hero hehe. Whether it makes a difference I don't know; he thinks she didn't believe him, but I've decided if she starts up again I'm just gonna be honest. This is the fucked up upbringing I had with my family! We don't speak to each other! Unless we want to! Or need to! And certainly not more than x times a month! (Depending on family member) Remember! Have not spoken to father for 6 years! Brother still not responded to pregnancy announcement 3 weeks ago! I phone mother to harrass her! My OWN mother!!!!

Oh the exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

But I don't think she understands all that, including the exclamation marks, so I think it's time it came direct. But that's ok, I'm pretty strong these days.

Think I might do some more shopping on Amazon.
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@cosmicgirlie
It's back. At least, I think it is. My old friend. My old buddy, the old 'Slippery Slope'. And here I am looking deeply into the mouth of it, just thinking how easy it would be to throw myself into it for the next nine months and just float by, and then come out of it when Mocha is born.

It's funny; that's the easiest option, yet it's quite possibly harder than dealing with it than life itself.

I'm also at that old dilemma of hearing people say 'just get over it'. I've never heard such bollocks in my life. And one person in particular who says that, of all people, should just fucking know better than that. But I guess I almost forgive their ignorance.

I never thought I'd be back here so soon, especially in the middle of the pregnancy. Hah! Who am I kiddin? Im not near the middle yet, as all the opinionated people like to tell me it's still really early yet.

Oh yeh? Fuck off and bite me.


Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 13+0 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 11 weeks
Fetus Heartbeat: 143 bpm
Time to Go: 188

I have a lot more happier things to write about, but as per usual in the pits of depression (Oh, er sorry, I exaggerate - I meant, feeling a little down. PAH) I can never seem to focus on those. All the nursery stuff is ordered, due to arrive in October. Other odds and ends ordered, due to arrive in the next few weeks.

People dishing out opinions like cheese samples in Sainsburys, already arrived and with a vengeance. You become pregnant, suddenly everyone's a fucking doctor. And of course, no other opinion (including your own) counts. Lately all I want to do is punch people in the face. Usually anyone who tries to speak to me.

And christ on a cracker, MIL is back on form, barking orders to 'go and visit' (er, last I heard, this was actually an option?) and I can seriously see myself screaming at her to 'Back the Fuck Off, Bitch'. Man that would go down So. Well.

Christ, this is not the best time to write a post.

On the upside, Mocha's heartbeat is still currently the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.
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@cosmicgirlie
Well it's been...an interesting week I guess. Can't really remember much of it, apart from sleeping, trying not to barf, trying to psyche myself up to practice my cello (which I still haven't done), obsessing over baby stuff and trying to decide what the hell to write in my blog. But here's something lovely:

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 12+1 day
Month: 3
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 10 weeks
Fetus Heartbeat: 158 bpm
Time To Go: 194 days

Yeppers, new due date (because Mocha is a whale already) so let's say hello second trimester!! Can you say 'still feeling shit'? I'm still narked over the whlle DPA thing (cos you know, dog with a bone...) and had some fabulous news from the doc yesterday.

Doc the 2nd: I'm not happy about you carrying around your cello and bass, especially with your sciatica. And what are you going to do about September?

Me: Um...

Doc the 2nd: Do you have any numbness? Where does it hurt at the moment?

Me: Um, well not numbness, just pins and needles...

Doc the 2nd: Ok I think I'm going to refer you to physio, they should be in touch with you soon.

etc etc... And a marvellous phone call from my midwife 2 days earlier.

Midwife: Hi, we have your blood results through, and everything is fine apart from that you have sickle cell trait..

Me: WHAT?

Midwife: Uh, I'm guessing you didn't know that.

So now they're going to stab DH for blood too. Add to this the possibility of antenatal depression, postnatal depression, more blood tests and my head exploding, things are just marvellous. Oh and just in case I hadn't learnt to just ignore the phone when it rings, just had CJ on -

CJ: So, when are you coming back?

Me: Don't know, Doc the 2nd has said I might not even be allowed to play anymore.

CJ: Don't wanna ask but just wondering how come you're still gigging...

Me: Well, it's because I beg lifts from DH or risk driving and crashing my car again and because I'll lose my fucking marbles stuck in this house doing shit all and because I can only play an hour at a time anyway before I either fall asleep or supress the urge to scream in agony over my frigging leg/ass/back.

I didn't actually say those words, but perhaps used the less explicit version. You know what though? I want to go back. I think about The Situation everyday. After this Mocha is born, I would love to go back to a couple of days a week. But I truly believe they want me out the door. Which sucks donkey bollocks. I wanted to be pleased someone had called me. But that paranoia still says 'yeh it's all a load of shit, babes'.

I am, however, starting to seriously wonder if this sciatica will ever ease up, or will it just get so bad that I can't even play anymore. That scares me a whole lot. I'm still outrageously tired, yet my sleep at night...well...ha. Mocha might not be kicking me yet, but my bladder sure likes to let me know of it's presence.

And the good news for this post? Um....

Oh yeh!! If you poke my belly hard enough you can feel a uterus in there. I'm growing a small but very firm watermelon.
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@cosmicgirlie
Or at least, maybe it would make people feel better if I behaved that way. I understand the world does not revolve around me. I understand there are other people in the world, who also have great news. I also, fully understand, that there are people who have crap news too, and can't always share in the good stuff. But why. WHY. Do people insist on crapping. on. my. parade.

Bonehill's pregnant. And chose yesterday, right as I walked through the door, to tell me. Then in the evening, a text from Ayn saying she was pissed at everyone's focus and concentration. And then today, another text saying please be sensitive around Anthony because he wants kids, and curb your enthusiasm and blah blah shit bollock smells.

But you know what? Apart from the fact that most people these days can go and get bent, I shall continue to enjoy this damned freaking pregnancy as much as I can because you know what? I heard Mocha moving around on the doppler this morning, and you know what? The only people to know about it may be me, DH and The Internet because you know what? Sometimes the only people you can count on are the ones who genuinely want to be happy for you. Or can be bothered to read.

I wonder if I should put timelines at the start of every entry.

I'm really sad about DPA now. It's sad but I feel forgotten already. IC still hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He doesn't give a rats ass). CJ also hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He's hoping I'll quit). There's kind of that feeling of 'ok, now she's almost out the door, how fast can we phase her out entirely???' which of course annoys the crap outta me especially when I actually still made an effort from home. And it's a reeeeeeeeally sad state of affairs when your students update you on what's going on.

There's gotta be more happier news in this somewhere...lemmie think...oh yeh...ummm.....

I'll be back later.
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@cosmicgirlie
AAAAAAAACK. Ok so I left the planet for a short while and didn't post. Well, actually I just went to Cornwall with DH, on a much needed, stress free, work free break. Did absolutely nothing all week (eat, sleep, eat, sleep), was frickin ace. Now I'm home and I'll do more of the same (eat, pass out, eat, pass out).

Oh yeh, and we had our U/S last Monday. :)

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 10+4 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 9 weeks

Time To Go:
Due Date: 205 days
2nd Trimester: 9 days

So of course, the scan was freakin awesome. I was naturally crapping myself in what felt like the lengthy eternity before she put the scanner on my belly, and that blank screen looked like it wanted to make some kind of mockery of me. As soon as she put it on my belly, there she was, bouncing around like something I could never even imagine. Mocha was there, in full glory, waving arms and legs like she was trying to say hello, bouncing around all over the place. Needless to say, I cried (well it was inevitable. Now shut the hell up).

You could see head, body, legs, arms, cord, sac...and most importantly, the heartbeat (a crazy little flashing blob in the middle of it all). Madam Sonographer moved the scan thingy around a bit and also found a cyst on one of my ovraies, and suspected it may have come from the work done with the D&C, but said it didn't look like there was anything to worry about. She even found the follicle that Mocha would have come from, which was oddly creepy.

Then came the moment of amusement - according to my charts I was 9w6d at the scan, whereas Mme Sonographer said Mocha was measuring 10w5d. Holy cow (wildebeast), I think she may be a big one. My siblings and DH's siblings were all around the 9lb mark when born. That does not fill me with confidence.

Interestingly, I asked Mme Sonographer on her opinion with Dopplers. She seemed very adamant about not using them, and suggested we wouldn't get any use out of one til after 12 weeks (like, around the 16 week mark?!). Hmm...yes hi...I'm convinced she was just trying to make sure we wouldn't freak out if we didn't hear it.

So I ovbiously tried it again as soon as we got back from Cornwall. Few seconds, and there she was. Thanks Mme Songrapher, but I think we're ok.

And now, for the first time ever, presenting to you....some pictures.






I'm still wary about this blogging thing, so I'll maybe post some more soon. But at the moment, I seem to write enough for a novel. So enough alrady.

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@cosmicgirlie
OOOOOHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY FREAAAAAAKING GOOOOOOOOD. People annoy the shit outta me, I swear.

Me: Heya Nick! Guess what!! Guess who's pregnant!

Nick: You never are, are ya? That's great!

Me: Thanks!!!

Nick: Yeah I had a vasectomy yesterday...

(here follows 5 minutes of graphic details...)

Cos, um, like, what the fuck? And I'm supposed to care? And did you not hear what I just said?? GOD DAMMIT??

Oh wait, hold on -

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+5 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 8 weeks

Time To Go:
Due Date: 211 days
2nd Trimester: 15 days
UltraScan: 12 hours (YEEEEAAAH baby)

And my other grief is people who just won't leave me the fuck alone because I'm not ready to tell you yet because it's MY NEWS AND I KNOW THE WORLD WILL KNOW BEFORE I'VE EVEN. FINISHED. TELLING. YOU. None of your damn business, tell you when I'm damn near good and ready. Though you've probably told everyone anyway. Damnit.

As I lay in bed last night, at 2am, listening to DH snore downstairs on the sofa and feeling resentful that I couldn't sleep because those snores haunt me in a sleeping and waking life, I wondered what would happen if I put a pillow over DH's head. Then I laughed about it and told him this morning. He laughed too. All be it nervously. I thought it was funny.

So, Cornwall tomorrow, and lord it's long overdue. I'm so looking forward to seeing Phil and spending an obscene amount of time on the beach, not thinking about the suckage that is work. Cos I sill haven't heard from them and so of course they still suck. But not people at my level of course though (yes, us scrutters who deserve nothing). Well, I heard from J-Po and he's still lovely as ever. But he's the only one that knows (I hope). Haven't heard from anyone else though. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Oddly enough, I'm slightly bitter about it. But that's because I'm thinking they just dont care, when I'm not even sure that I want them to. Or maybe they're not supposed to contact me or something. Or maybe the ice-cream I just ate made me feel sick and now all I want is my salt and vinegar (chipsticks? Yes please).

Anyway, Cornwall. Oh yeh. I packed a bikini. Cos I'm obviously gonna wear it on the beach, sporting my obscene bloatedness.

Scene - On the beach
DH: Hey babe you look great in that bikini.

Me: yeh, don't feel great, but thanks. My boobs totally make the top look fucking ace.

Local/swimmer: OH MY GOD, THERE'S A WHALE ON THE BEACH!! HOLY SHIT SOMEONE CALL THE COASTGUARD!!!!

DH: ...

Me: I'll be right back.

Still only gained a pound though, and gone up two cupsizes (now in E cup) so shove THAT up yer skinny ass crotches.

Oh yeh and U/S too. That still hasn't actually sunk in yet, so at the moment I'm still fretting about whether I'll have enough piss in my bladder for them to prod at and make it totally worth our while. We (only just) heard the heartbeat today. Mostly because I've been pissing every thirty minutes as a result of..well, the freaking obvious. I'm not even convinced that seeing a pic will bring it home. And I'm guessing all I'll see is a little fuzzy blob (baby). With a big gaping blob (bladder). And maybe some squiggly blobs (umbilical cord, limbs).

But I am happy. Really.
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@cosmicgirlie
Ahhhhhh yes my lil beastie of a car is back. I've missed my lil orange lovely. And I think they cleaned it too. On the outside. Hell. Yes.

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+4 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 8 weeks

Ah I can't be bothered with the other bit, you can work it out, right?

I'm refraining from getting the doppler out again (to make sure it still works of course, nothing else). But I don't want to listen to the first recording because I obviously know what that sounds like (duh). FFs keep warning about Doppler overuse, and everytime I search the internet I'm yet to find anything. Doesn't take much to instill the fear of God in a person. DH is out today, it's more than likely I'll try it because I'm bored.

I have (another) new toy - T-mobile MDA Vario II and it's frickin (wtf?) Haven't got all my games on it yet, and I need a flash card and blah blah, but it's pretty. And does cool stuff. And. Free.

I ventured into Primark yesterday - it was a helluva experience. But I spent £50 and got like a million tops, pants, and some joggers. My Increasingly Fat wardrobe is complete. I may have also diverted past H&M and got some more stuff. I love big clothes, they mean you don't have to suck your belly in. Ah the relief.

And so it's scan and then Cornwall on Monday. I think the reality is starting to sink in with DH now he's heard the heartbeat. Ironically I'm still not quite getting it. I just think I'm tired/lazy/huungry all the time with no real good reason. Though Mocha is asking for some really weird shit lately (tomatoes? Please don't make me do that again. And salivating at avacados? You're a messed up Bean). Still, at least I know Mocha hates fag smoke; my god the urge to ralph everytime someone walked past stinking of fags yesterday was borderline intriguing.

Christ I cannot wait for Cornwall, must remember to find the buckets and spades.
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@cosmicgirlie
BECAUSE I HAVE TWO HEARTBEATS!!!! Yeeeeah that's right - last night we heard Mocha's heartbeat!!! Holy crap it was the scariest thing ever. We recorded it on our phones and then I spent an hour crying about it. It still hasn't sunk in, and I still can't believe it's in there. Like, floating around in it's juices and stuff. DH phoned his mum (currently in Norway) and she seemed pretty happy about it (she shows emotion the same way as DH - not very much but it's there if you know what you're looking for) and then I phoned Sis and she was chuffed to bits. She couldn't believe what she was hearing when I played it down the phone. Then mum called later and I played it down the phone to her - she cried. It was really cute.


Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+2 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 7 weeks

Time to go:
Due Date: 214 days
2nd Trimester: 18 days
UltraScan: 3 days

We're down in Cornwall next week, so at least I know that I can go down with positive thoughts and shitting myself about what's going on in there. I've also decided (after much thought...) that I'm not going to announce on Sunday at rehearsal. I figure I could if I wanted to, but would rather have some solid evidence. I'm still going to do the wearing the baby t-shirt and not actually saying anything though, but at least then if anyone asks, I'll have the U/S pics on me to show if anyone's interested. I'll bet it's sods law that no one notices the t-shirt, but what the hey, if people care enough then they'll ask. I just need to be REALLY careful not to drop myself in it like I nearly did last week.

I've found a fabulous blog from a woman who's blogged for the last 4 years, including during her pregnancy and birth and 1st year of motherood - she's frickin ace and her name is Amalah (pronounced Aim - a - lah). But her real name is Amy. I don't understand either, but she's pretty cool. And she has a huge fan base! To the point where poeple congratulate themselves on being the first to leave a comment, but then don't leave a comment. I understand. I think.

I've decided to broaden this blog a little bit because I know some of you might get bored of the whole baby thing (even though this is orginally a baby blog, but still). So I thought I'd talk about some other stuff.

Had a message from J-Po via myspace, told him the news. Picked up another guitarist who wants to play, I'll be in touch. I've just hoovered the lounge, using the shake and vac. I didn't do the dance. We're going to Cornwall next week. I already said that. I still don't have my car, I miss it.

Ok I'm gonna go see if I can upload the baby's heartbeat to my laptop.... :oD Thinking I'll be back later
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@cosmicgirlie
Ok, yep, yeh, no worries, lemonade tastes vile, toothepaste has no taste (it's MINT for crying out loud) and this morning before my ritual cheese on toast, I would happily have yacked into the bottom of a bowl. My ass has not shut up for the last 12 hours and I visited the loo twice in 5 minutes (possibly a record?).

Interesting point - belly felt smaller this morning. Maybe because I gassed and crapped it all out.

I'm going to nap now I think, even though it's only 8:38am.
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+0 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 7 weeks

Last Friday after I helped Claire move, I was driving home and hit that damn annoying bit of pavement that sticks out on the Bristol Road. So I scuffed my alloys, took chunks out the tyres and misaligned my steering a bit. What I hadn't guestimated was knackering the suspension arm and nearly super screwing up the inside wheel arch. Oh, and the £950 worth of damage (2 alloys, 2 tyres, alignment, wheel arch, parts and service and shit). And if I claim on insurance, I lose my NCB.

Fer fucks sake.

So obviously we want to use my car for Cornwall next week (cos there's no way my leg will survive in the 206) so it needs to be repaired this week. Shite. And more obscene words. I had put the (minor - hah!) pavement scuff down to being tired. Despite not being allowed to lift anything (including shopping bags...) I was shattered. I hadn't had my nap and it had been a long day. I'm actually seriously starting to question how safe it is for me to drive at the moment.

Ack.

As for pregnancy, I need my U/S and I - NEED - IT - NOW. Still sleeping like the dead (in the daytime) and having non-fabulous dreams/nightmares (at night time), but it seems m/s is going, still can't hear hb on doppler, dizzy seems morning and night only, sciatica kicks in when it likes.

It doesn't help that I still don't think I actually realise I'm pregnant. Saying the words out loud make no diff. Or maybe it depends on who I say them to.

I am going to be so pissed off if that scan next week is crap. Symptoms disappearing fast and I can't face another m/c in the light of Jeph's pregnancy. Plus not knowing whether I can drink is gonna push me to drink.

I think I might tell Butterfly Catchers tonight. But I probably won't.

I already miss my car. And I'm hungry.
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 8+6 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 7 weeks

Time to go:
Due Date: 217 days
2nd Trimester: 21 days
UltraScan: 6 days

I have trees in my belly. Or maybe some kind of stalker. Or perhaps the vast belly that is empty save for bloatedness and gas is echoing round the doppler. No hb (yeh yeh I know, it's too early...) but we do hear loud whooooshing noises - they're really creepy! Sounds like someone blowing really loudly on a microphone, only it's emitting from my belly :o) It's exciting so that kinda keeps me in check for now. DH is really good at finding it now too.

So my latest food is cheese on toast - works a treat every time. Girls on FF talk about a brat diet (banana - rice - apple - toast) I'm thinking I might give that a try this week. I'm just hoping it doesn't all have to be mixed together...*euch*

Finally gone off KFC I think; gives me incredible wind (as if what I currently have isn't bad enough!) and current snack is lettuce and salad cream - how healthy! But it does mean I'm hungry a lot...most of the time I don't want to eat though unless it's (selected) junk food. Chips are a good choice, and tonight we're having subway sandwiches and curly fries (OH YES!!!!) and I may have to join in with the choc chip cookie to finish. In fact, the desire for chocolate has increased again, possibly the need for iron? I'm too scared to take my prescription iron tablets...

Ooooh must pick up some chocolate ice lols (cornetto? magnum? anything choc and dairy and full of wholesome crap?) from Sainsbury's later.

Nearly dropped myself in it at rehearsal yesterday; thank god U/S is soon because I can't hide the belly much more, I'm falling asleep in rehearsal and my mouth is bigger than Europe. I think Jeph might be on to me, but I don't think she'll say anything, hopefully she's still too wrapped up in her own pg and the fact that her DB proposed last Thursday (um...surprise?) Thankfully being able to use anaemia is staving people off I think...can't wait to just get it out though, even if it's bad news. I hope it's not bad news. I actually think it will be good news.

So I'm a day off 9 weeks, and looking roughly (and rough) around 5 months. I'm so bloated it's funny. I wonder if I'm just going to stay this size till I get to 5 months or something. Though it's just occurred to me I'm already into my 3rd month...what the hell! Some of the symptoms are interesting; poor DH annoys me just by walking into the room (before he's even said or done anything) and he smells too...ack. And eating a pink lady apples - they have no taste!! wtf?? Don't like Chinese food either. It's insane. Oh look, food subject again.

I reeeeeeally need my sub sandwich now.
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 8+0 days
Month: 2
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 6 weeks

Time to go:
Due Date: 223 days
2nd Trimester: 27 days
UltraScan: 12 days

If there's one way to get me to slow down, is to introduce things that actually physically stop me. So if it wasn't enough for me to have dizzy spells (and be signed off work for 4 weeks) then the next step is to attack the major nerves in my leg. Hello sciatica!! Man it's fun. Left leg decides it doesn't want to know if I've been lying on my back or sitting funny. It's very odd and can hurt like stink, but hey you know, it's another fun thing for the list! I wonder what's next... Dr did blood tests to find out what's going on with the dizzy thing. Should hopefully get results on Thursday.

Well here we are in the 8th week, and I'm still really excited. I'm praying that this one is ok, I really don't want to see another b/o, and I'm hoping everything is pretty much ok. I'm thankful everyday for no spotting or bad cramping, even though I know (of all people) that this can make no difference. As it's week 8, I'm hoping we can start trying to use the doppler tonight. I don't expect to hear anything, but it will be fun to start trying. Thankfully I'm pretty easy going about it, and I think any panic wouldn't set in until much later on when perhaps I had already heard the heart beat or something...I guess the 30+ week mark would have me slightly worried!

Been spending a lot of time on FF lately; I love being on there, the other girls are soooooo helpful and supportive and I'm always learning loads, as well as picking up fabulous new links to websites. This is the latest one which is just AMAZING. The pictures are so cool and they're great to keep me entertained while we literally watch baby grow. I'm being very good and not jumping ahead to later vids :oD

I also find them so helpful because you just know you're not alone with some things. I don't want to share much with Jeph...which I know is kind of sad given we're only 6ish weeks apart, but I just don't know what it is. I guess that feeling of how it may have come about makes me wonder. I mean even DH thinks she's done it on purpose. But on FF, it's so nice to be able to offer your views and get loads of support, without people constantly turning it back to themselves, or disregarding your happiness telling you how much it will suck (AP)...it's just a much nicer environment.

DH's mum has stopped calling, and I've actually started to relax a bit more in the daytimes now :oD I feel kinda bad, but I've always needed my space and need to know my escape route rather than feeling like a watched piece of prey...DH says this is exactly what he went through. I sympathise now.

Man I am HUNGRY.
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@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 01/10/2008
Week: 6+5 days
Month: 2
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 5 weeks

Time to go
Due date: 232 days
2nd Trimester: 36 days
First UltraScan: 19 days

Ahh midwife visit today, was really good and informative. Hannnah is really nice and friendly and really easy to get on with which obviously makes it all easier. We went through all my green notes, talked about how Dr Collins is an absolute ******* (choose your own word), future options, tests, the hospital...I was amazed at how much we covered!

DH seemed happy too, sat through as much as he could before having to dash off to work, and asked a few questions of his own. I liked that.

Not felt quite so bad today, little bit queazy, minor headache rather than the usual and dizzy spells less frequent. Had a bit of achy cramping though, but as it could be anything, I'm putting it down to another symptom.

I think I'm gonna go and be anal and study my green notes :o)
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@cosmicgirlie
I can't believe it. Jeph is 13 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her....but I'm also bitter. And I cried. Ironic that everyone else is concerned about how I'm feeling...that means a lot to me.

Sad though that everyone thinks she did it on purpose...
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@cosmicgirlie
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Due Date: 01/10/2008
Week: 6+3 days
Month: 2
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 4 weeks

I bought maternity clothes yesterday! From a shop in the MAILBOX no less! (http://www.mailboxlife.com) I bought 6 items and they came to £500 LMAO. DH's treat. He's a star sometimes :) So I bought a pair of jeans, some khaki green linen trousers and a pair of black concert trousers, all with a panel in the front. Also bought 3 t-shirts (white, green and a lime and white striped) as well as a light checked parka. They are sooooo cool and amazingly comfy. Not sure as to when I can start wearing them yet though, I know I can't do sundays cos that's gonna mean belly hanging out for all it's worth, and it's more than likely that bloodhound Jeph would guess pg withouth batting an eyelid...

Still really looking forward to Midwife on Tuesday, even though I know she'll barely do anything...still I guess it's nice to be seeing an 'official' member of a pregnancy team, it's that suggestion of the ball actually moving, rather than just sitting there starin at me, trying to look all interesting. I know what I mean.

Still feels like an eternity til the U/S though, but I still can't wait. Still been feeling utterly dire, and thinking more and more about work. I guess I've taken to enjoying having a life again, and I much prefer having my own students. I'm wondering if I can stick it out until the summer but I'm not even sure about that..I want to because at least then I could get paid over the summer, and most students won't be having lessons because of exams and things. But the words of Chris and Helen keep ringing in my ears...

I thought if I could perhaps last til the summer, then go on maternity leave in Sept, and spend the earlier part of maternity leave establishing my students. At least that gives me a bit of time. I don't want to take any more time off, especially if it's going to affect future work, but at the end of the day if I can't drive, I can't drive.

Ooooooo I forgot to mention, DH bought a doppler over the weekend! Obviously it's too early to use it yet, but it's arrived anyway and we can't wait to try it out. It says, according to the 3mhz probe, that we should be able to hear the heartbeat by around 8 weeks (2 weeks to go!!) so that should be fun trying to find! Lots of women on FF have said that they didn't want the extra stress if they couldn't find the hb, which I can understand, but I guess you just have to be as realistic as possible and understand that you may not always be able to find it becauseo of how the baby might be lying. And again, as I've said so many times before, if something goes wrong chances are there's nothing you can do about it. ALSO, it'll get to a point where I won't need to hear hb because it'll probably be kicking the crap out of me... :o)

I think I'll wear my baggy jeans and a loose vest today...I don't know what else fits....!
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@cosmicgirlie
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
ACK I posted a long blog and blogger's server then went down - lost the entire blog lol

Anyway, where are we today:
Due Date: 01/10/2008
Week: 5+6 days
Month: 2
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 4 weeks

http://www.doula.org.uk/ Here is a website I must consider reading sometime.

Today was damn scary; DH and I went to see Chris about work and what my options were. This dizzy thing is really annoying and even part time is a problem. The basic conclusion seemed to be either keep going, power on through and see how I feel despite jeapardising my job and attendance figures, or get out, look after myself and the baby consider taking a break from DPA. I hate that idea but even as I type it, it seems like the right thing to do. Even talking to Helen after Chris she said (as a mate in a pub) to get out while I can and make the most of the Golden Opportunity. She had a point. But I hate my instinct that says I have to worry about everyone else; I hate the idea that the kids are going without lessons and that they'll have yet another teacher. Mind you, even this year hasn't been the best for them.
Still, I know there are far better teachers than me out there, who could really get some of those kids moving. Ian always raves about Claire so there's lots that she could do with them even though she's only part time...but I think back to all the stress I've endured with Ian and the lack of support from the team...Helen suggested coming back in time through Music Tots which is a FAB idea...but I can't believe the idea of quitting my job at 28 years old, and not even having been there 2 years. DH hit the nail on the head when he reminded me that probably the big reason why I don't want to go is because I've had to work so hard to get to where I am. I think I'm going to have to make a decision by half term in a few weeks.

There are so many pros and cons to this, it's SO frustrating.

On a happier note, my books arrived today - Your Pregnancy Week by Week and also Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. They both look GREAT, and far better than that What to Expect When You're Expecting, which I've come to the conlusion is quite crap (and very dull). The two new books seem really informative and they were recommendations from the girls on Fertility Friend. YPWBW looks great, it seems so informed and the pictures are actually really cool. I haven't flicked through much of the Mayo Clinic one yet.

Today I'm so tired. DH dropped me off after the meeting and I lay down on the sofa to read and watch (yet more) birthing/baby progs - and I slept for about 3 hours!!! I found it quite ironic given how much I seem to struggle to sleep sometimes (this pregnancy thing is beyond belief lol)

I had some cause for celebration though, I finally graduated to my DD maternity bras today lol. I had forgotten how comfy they are! Bit concerned though that this bloating means i gotta wear them on the biggest clasp. I can't remember what the woman in M&S said about what clasp they should be on, but having said that, she was trying me out in C cups (er yes hi???! I'm normally a D cup anyway!!)

And yesterday I discovered that my size 14 trousers are FAAARRRRR more comfy than my 10s and 12s. The bloating is making me laugh and I'm due for my 6 week picture tomorrow morning - I think the diff could be quite entertaining! My tummy was still pretty much flat at 4 weeks, and at 5 weeks...well let's just say that some of the 3-4 month mums could have a run for their money :oD

I can't wait to see li'l Mocha Bean on 11th June. Still hoping and praying everything is ok. I told DH that when we go, if it's another blighted ovum then I don't want to see the screen. I'll never forget that previous image, it's like it's engraved on my brain. Strangely enough, if it does go wrong again this time, obviously I'm not sure how I'll be, but I think I might not be so bad because I've tried to enjoy this pregnancy, and I'll hope and perhaps know in my heart that I did everything right for Mocha Bean.
ps Mocha is almost the size of an apple pip. ^_^
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@cosmicgirlie
DH is home and said he doesn’t want to be seen online, so that rules out any online blogging. So I guess it’s just you and me, lil bean.
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@cosmicgirlie
Mon, May 14, 2007

Due Date: 01/10/2008
Week: 5+4 days
Month: 2
Trimester: 1
Foetus Age: 4 weeks
preg.fertilityfriend.com

So here I am, 5w4d pg and despite feeling utterly dire, I'm actually starting to enjoy it. There's loads to catch up on since this is first proper blog, but here goes.
Had BFP on 27th April at only 10dpo, so book appt with doc. Ended up seeing Some guy called Dr Collins who turned out to be the biggest idiot ever for all number of reasons, telling me I wasn't healthy before he even checked me, saying I couldn't possibly have BFP cos it was too soon, and then tried to tell me I should be taking 5000mcg of folic acid. Er yes hi!! Went back a few days later and saw Dr McDonald - same Dr I saw with 1st pg and she was LOVELY, we basically did the appointment as it should have been...
Unfortunately, it's left me with some unpleasant side effects - I'm having horrendous dizzy spells which make me terrified to drive around all day, and the constipation is now diarrhoea. Bit concerned with how this is affecting work; I did a self cert last week and now I'm back to the docs today to get a sick note. I don't want to take that kind of risk! I'd rather be sat in the office all day than be out on the road (and that's saying something....)
Ok gotta go to docs now - will update more when I get back
Ok so I've gotten a doctors note for a week to see if the dizziness thing eases up and also gives me time to discuss things with Chris. I would prefer part time; less stress, less time on the road, more 'me' time to do the things I need/want to do...I guess the truth is I love my job but all the crap that goes with it is just too much at the moment.
More good news though - had Initial Booking Visit appointment from the midwives today, it's scheduled for 22/05/07, 11.30 at home, and Dave can be here too! They probably won't do much, just a bit of a physical exam, history check and discuss my 'needs' I would expect, but stil, it's nice to feel like things are 'moving'.
Also got 1st date for U/S: 11th June at 9.00 which feels like an eternity away to see lil Mocha, but at least it'll be worthwhile stuff to see rather than it being too early and stuff. I have a ticker on fertility friend counting down the days; I thought it would drive me nuts but amazingly it's helping.
I'm feeling a desperate urge to enjoy this pg as much as possible; DH and I went to the Baby Show at the NEC on Saturday and it was AWESOME We bought a nappy bin thingy (kinda like a Diaper Genie I guess?) and it's so cool, it's our first 'baby' purchase. Dave bought me a bump band which I can use to cover my unbuttoned trousers and it just looks like I have a long black t-shirt on under my clothes; can't wait to try it out, especially with all this bloating going on - I'm HUGE!!

And before I forget, baby has been nicknamed Mocha cos of the colour she may be when she's born. DH asked last night in bed whether she should be Mocha Latte or Mocha Noir
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@cosmicgirlie
Sun, May 13, 2007 8:23 PM

Here are our stats today!

Due Date: 01/10/2008
Week: 5+3 days
Month: 2
Trimester: 1
Foetus Age: 4 weeks

Date for an U/S!! It's on 11th June which obviously feels like an eternity away (29 days...) but we can't get any sooner. And it's gotta be better then than even later...we tried looking into other places to go but then I started to wonder whether I would still stress anyway. I need to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I possibly can - I know it will make things easier. Today I'm really feeling the effects - I've been feeling queasy all day and my head is pounding. Dizzy spells are still there so I'm wary about driving still but I'm really hoping to be back out there again soon. Daddy and I went to the baby Show at the NEC yesterday - it was awesome! We bought a nappy bin thingy (kinda like an American Diaper Genie perhaps?) and that's our first 'baby' purchase. Daddy also bought me BumpBand - it's to cover the tops of my trousers when I blatantly can't fasten them! And it just looks like an unsuspecting black t-shirt - very useful over my exremely bloated belly (what on earth are you doing in there? Blowing bubbles???!) I think I'll spend bits of this week doing a little bit more on the nursery; but we're waiting for Aunty Claire to move into her flat so she can have the furniture. At least then we can shift the carpet/wall paper and get down to some serious decorating :o)

PS at the moment your nickname is 'Mocha' ;o)
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@cosmicgirlie
Tue, May 8, 2007

So it's still early days but the symptoms feel like they're coming thick and fast...today I feel so dizzy all the time and I'm constantly bloated to name but two! Still no date for U/S yet, already starting to get impatient. I just need to see something now! Still, little bean is making presence known in other ways which is reassuring at the moment. Not sure how much longer it will suffice though...