I'm obviously being a wee bit non committal here, but you know, hear me out.

Well, whilst I've started a BlipFoto journal thing, I immediately felt pressure about what I was taking on. Sure, BlipFoto and various other friends reminded me I don't have to post every day, but I realised, I'm a bit crap for taking a picture every day.

Sure I call myself a professional photographer (barely...even typing that is seriously bloody weird), I feel like I HAVE to call myself professional under the circumstances; but I also feel like I have to draw that fine line between business and pleasure.

I love taking photos, I really do. So very much. But if there's one thing I've learnt is that, much like my blogging, I have to do it for me when I'm ready, to a degree. The portrait work I do, is awesome. I love it so much. BECAUSE it's what I want to specialise in. All the other crazy stuff? Is genuinely for fun. There was a short while where I was going crazy doing tons of iPhone pics because I thought I needed to profile myself, but you know what? It's not important. People will find me when they're ready.

So this month, whilst the resolution is indeed to basically pick up my camera more often, I'll be picking it up for fun rather than doing it because I think I have to.

Blogging every day is just not my thing.

But you know what I DID learn? I learnt that I don't blog for other people. I just can't. I can't write something just for the sake of someone else having something to read. I CAN, however, write something because I feel like it, I can put something out there when I feel I need to, and I can blog whenever the hell I like.

Which is a good thing! This whole YOR is all about me trying out new stuff and learning from it, right? Ok granted I have already failed miserably at some of them (and no I'm not going to link them, because I suspect some are pretty obvious), but that's ok, because here we are about to jump into month number 5, and um, yeah I haven't decided what to do for the next one.

I suspect it will be something along the lines of posting a photo every day. I've seen people using people BlipFoto and it looks pretty good...or maybe I should actually just open the account in the first place and aim to post every so often...maybe 4 times a week? Doing "A Month of Me" on flickr was pretty good fun, so something similar, maybe?

I don't think it would be pics for JMP, just pics for me, mostly like Tara's Gallery; just to take the pressure off. Hmmm.

But yeah, in summary.

It's been a crazy month for blogging. A post came from nowhere and made me realise that actually, I blog because there IS no pressure on what I want to say. I know there's more like that to come; talking to a friend recently made us both realise that there's potentially a monster outpouring ready to go, but only when we're ready. So no, I'm not going force that anymore. Didn't even enjoy trying it.

But that's ok. It's a new...month, right?

That, plus in forcing myself to try to post every day, has made me start posting for every one else, rather than myself.

I try to please way to many people with this blog, I swear...

Ok, today I'm going to vent about Isaac. Or at least, Isaac and his slow growth thing. Plenty of people have seen how much food he puts away. He currently eats twice as much as Noah, though is not as active (he's obviously not walking yet, just coasting and crawling, plus he has way more down time than Noah). Yet he is pretty much putting on no weight, not gaining any length, but still looks cuter than any other human baby known to, uh, me.

He's dropped from above 99th centile down to 25th, and everyone's all "Oh it's ok! He's just levelling out! He's an active kid! Why can't you just accept the fact you have a dwarf baby?"

(I have nothing against dwarf babies. Honestly. But if he decides he IS gonna be a dwarf baby? I'd at least like to make sure he has permission from a doctor/professional/google to do so.)

He's otherwise healthy (as far as I can tell) and happy...but that good old doubt and maternal instinct likes to quietly chew away at my left ass cheek, meaning I can't just sit around and hope for the best.

Who the hell in their right mind made me a Mother???

Ok, since I'm clearly just writing about a load of shit, I think this is a great time to re-plug the fact that I made it to Position #79 of the tots 100 UK Parent Blogs:

And also, whilst this obviously isn't first place, it's still in the top 100, which totally means you should go vote for me over at the MADs (Mums And Dads? Bloggers? Should it be MAD Bs? Perhaps not, because with a mind like mine, that just makes me think of "Mad Bastards" or something, and seeing as that's much less effective, I'll just let that one go...)

Er -

YEAH!! Go vote for me over at the MADs.

You just know that if you do, I'll totally send you chocolate biscuits and some pictures of beautiful babies. And, um, you can borrow my private jet which is invincible to all volcanic ash.

PS I'm looking to start doing some baby bumps next - got a growing maternity belly and would like some beautiful shots taken for memories? Let me know. I can send you a price list for prints, and I'm happy to travel...get in touch!!

*thinking*

...

*still thinking*

Ok. I have it. If I manage this one, I swear to God I will fall over my own pants. But here it is.

April YOR is...

To blog post every day for the remainder of April.

Sweet Jesus just saying it fills me with dread. I mean let's face it. We all know I pretty much talk an amazing amount of shit, the majority of it very uninteresting, or pointless, or depressing...

But on reflection, that's pretty much me in a blogshell, so let's do it.

I've already blogged 2nd and 4th of April, so to compromise, I'll do two posts on two days to make up for 1st and 3rd of April.

I hope you're all prepared for a month of some really weird and wonderful (or not) stuff.

...

PS If you want to throw in some ideas for future YOR, I am SO open to suggestions!!! Do your worst. Or um, best, please...kthxbai.

Hi!

Yes!

Where have you been?

I've been here waiting all this time.

Are you confused?

I fucking am.

Ok I'm just going to distract you with stuff.

Go read this (and PLEASE help me out!!!)

You need to go view THIS ARTICLE ON DUCT TAPE and let me know if you've tried any. If you DO attempt any, please let me know because it's more than likely you will become my hero.

I want to learn to sing this song and play it on the piano.

Bacon or Beer Can. I can't decide, but it still cracks me up every time.

Tara Cain has put this week's gallery up. I haven't a clue what to do, so I reckon I'm gonna wing it. Again. You know, for a change. And I'll tell everyone I put lots of thought into it.

Shit, I may have just hyped myself up too much already.

And also, COCK! I have NO IDEA what to do for next month's YOR. I'm supposed to be meeting people this month, and that seems to have gone a bit pear shaped and I've not met nearly as many people as I'd hoped. So if you have nothing better to do, are really bored and fancy pointing and laughing at me in person rather than through my blog, let me know, ok? It'll be fun, I'm sure.

Lastly (no more links after this, promise) I would like THIS PORK PRODUCT RELATED SITE to sponsor me for something. I don't know what. Bacon eating contest, maybe. Or perhaps to write more on the Ode to Bacon.

I lied when I said no more links (of course I lied! HAH.)

There's this big old competition going on about some blogger awards, called The MADS, and you should all totally go nominate some blogs. I hasten to add, I'm not (necessarily) asking to be nominated, because there isn't a category for "Blogger That Rambles on About The Most Pointless Shit Known to Man" (which if there WAS, I would TOTALLY whoop all a y'all asses), but there are lots of people who should be nominated, and a soon as I figure it out, I might try and sneak a badge in the old sidebar to remind you to GO VOTE for people. Or yourself! Go vote for yourself! You are pretty amazing, after all.

February is going better than expected, having lost 7lbs to date (bearing in mind I still eat a reasonable amount of crap), I've indulged in some DAMN HAWT underwear (no nursing bras!! OMG), which appear to be colourful and have a surprising amount of lace on them, my wardrobe has been emptied of nursing tops (although Isaac and I are still feeding - 10 months! Fuck yeah) and I recently purchased a pair of rather purtiful boots.

It's all quietly chuntering away, but I'm damn well pleased with myself that I've now completed two months.

So what's in store for March?

Well. It's a curious one, but something that seems to be happening a bit already so thought I'd make more of it.

March YOR, is to go out and meet more people. Not just people I already know, but more NEW people. People I've never met. Granted most of these people will probably be ones I know as a result of Twitter, but nonetheless, I've met some lately and had a great time. There are others I'm desperate to meet for the first time, some I've met and really want to see again...and I don't think there are any I've met and never want to see again. Heh.

There are major advantages to this particular YOR; Noah starts nursery in a few weeks, which will leave me with more travel time on my hands. I look forward to spending more time with Isaac, and he's a great traveller so he'll come with me if need be and it's appropriate. Evening jaunts, obviously, will be just me! I've really started to enjoy the time that's being given back to me lately; my trip down to Dawlish, Devon last weekend was fucking awesome, and I'm already looking into when I might be able to go again.

Then of course there's BlogHer 10 in August omfg NYC BAYBEE. When I finally pull my finger out, I need to get to making a list of people I want to meet. Cos OMFG NYC BAYBEE.

I'm not entirely sure how to go about meeting up with mew peeps though; many work in the day, obviously (and, it turns out, I have children), and it can sound a bit stalker-ish when I say to people "we need to meet up and have beer one evening", because I know that in their head, they're finishing that sentence with "so that I can follow you home, camp outside your house and most likely burn your bunny/goldfish/children".

This is NOT the case.

Promise.

Heh.

So! If you're up for meeting up, please do let me know. Although this is listed as March Year of Resolutions, of course it will carry on for the rest of the year providing it's successful...

Fancy meeting up?

And that's one reason I've barely posted this week.

Another reason, is because teh interwebz is bein cack. I spent 2 and a half hours on the phone to Virgin Media on Tuesday, ending up speaking to 4 different people. And still have the same problem. Fuckers.

Added to that, Isaac had is 8 month development check (yes, at 10 months), and Mme HV wants to refer him to a specialist. Because he's not growing. He's gaining pretty much no weight, is not getting longer and, well, yeah. She flagged it, wants him back to do more tests in 2 months at one year old, and wants us to go see the Dr in the meantime. Cos you know, I'm really enjoying being turned into the neurotic mother. Even though (and forgive me on this because I'm WAY too fucking overwhelmed this week), I'm almost...well...not bothered. Well, I AM bothered, obviously, but it hasn't hit me. I seem to have put up a considerable shield this week, and am now deflecting a good deal of shit.

And this. THIS is a big reason why I haven't posted.

Finally...

Presenting...

I don't know where all of the above is going. And as a result, all of the above is scaring the cock out of me.

Today, it all kicked off in the Blogosphere. Apparently, to have a good blog, we're supposed to write what we like, but make sure it complies with what people like; we're meant to be ourselves, but aspire to be someone else; we should be interesting, but real; we should include lots of links to others, but write about ourselves.

And if you want to be a "Top Blogger", you have to do all of the above and much, MUCH more.

Which is why, this post will be utterly shit, because I? Will not conform to any Rules of Blogging. Which makes me a good blogger. Nyer.

What I WILL do, is blog the following.

Today, my arse appeared in #assmail on Boob Emancipation. Given that I have now discovered I can take a pic of my own arse in the shower, I am proud as FUCK.

I have a fixation for boobs. I am not lesbian. But I DO think boobs should be celebrated. As should many asses.

Today, Noah barfed up his breakfast at the table, then started listening to said table. Like, head down, ear pressed, smiling at the table. And dancing slightly.

Whilst Noah was doing the above, Isaac was laughing hysterically at his thumb, whilst eating his breakfast.

Shortly after, Noah ralphed all down his front and on the floor. Whilst cleaning this up, Isaac crawled over and puked on my feet. Whilst cleaning all this up, he went to go bang his head on the corner of the table.

I often do not care what people think. About my blog, or me, or whatever. Sometimes I'm sorry, but often I'm not. And that's how my shit rolls.

I love comments. Good and bad. However I do not live or blog for comments. But I ALWAYS appreciate comments. I will not fall apart if there are no comments. But I might consider kicking some ass. I might not always RESPOND to comments, because of course, I am shit, but still. Always nice to have them, even if they make you look like a fucktard. Because I can look back and say "Oh, hi Fucktard!" Or I can look back and say "Cock. You're all being nice and I dunno what to say. Um, thanks."

I love smut. Throw in a cock, and I'm happy.

I regularly like to exclaim "cock" on twitter. It makes me feel better, and smile. It makes me feel even better when people say/shout "cock" at me. That makes my day.

In keeping with February YOR, today I managed to complete Day 6 of the 30 Day Shred. I can get to circuit 3 without screaming, I no longer crawl up the stairs, a pair of my trousers are a teeny bit loose, my boobs are shrinking but so is my belly, and hotness will soon be mine.

January YOR is well under way, and holy fuck, it might even be live by the end of this month. The number of photographers on twitter is making me SHIT myself. Which reminds me, one of my fave photographers who is also a good friend, was featured in Photo Pro Magazine this month. And by featured, I mean OMFG 5 PAGE SPREAD WTF AWESOMENESS. Added bonus? Well. You had all better recognise that baby and squooshy mouth, or I shall hunt you down and yell at you a lot.

That is all.

And now? Please to look at pictures, in the hope of making distracting you from my crap blog with AHWW!!!! LOOK AT TEH CUUUUUUTE!

Yes I know. You totally forgot what you were going to say, right?

Allow me to distract you some more.

IN. DEED.

This is how we roll.

They motivate me, they encourage me, they compliment me, they support me...lots of things that I would ask for in someone whom I plan on spending an awful lot of time with. They understand me; in the short space of time, they know me. And that's awesome.

One of the things that I was surprised at, was how they made me feel. There's a rush of emotions and things; exhilaration, nerves, fear, excitement, and well, this morning I woke up pretty much weak at the knees. That's a first, but I half expected it. But it was still a great feeling.

The strange thing is, I think I've been looking for this person for a long time. But I didn't realise I was looking for them until suddenly out of the blue. A light went on in my head, and I thought, yes, this is what I want. This is what I've been looking for, I've needed this person in my life for a few years now.

Now, if I'm honest, I think it's the most unlikely friendship I could have formed. Seriously. Had I passed this person on the street? I probably wouldn't have taken a second glance. I probably wouldn't even have anything to say. But having been properly introduced, and despite what they've done to me, I have no regrets as yet; in fact I'm looking forward to spending more time with them, even though it's limited to such short periods.

Oddly enough, it's kind of freaky that to accommodate this 30 Day Fucking Shred, I have had to adopt Jillian Michaels as my BFF. She will help me with my February YOR. We had our first date last night, and despite being unable to get up and down the stairs today, I'm hoping this is the start of a long and beautiful relationship. She's all of the above and more. I love her so much.

And then maybe one day I'll kick her butt. Soon as I get the feeling back in my legs.

This is how I am spending my evening.

This is how I'll be spending tomorrow evening.

(Seriously. DVD ordered and everything. Jillian will have a great time whooping my wobbly ass into shape.)

My theory is, screw the fact that I'm carrying extra poundage, but let's at least make an effort to make it look like attractive poundage. I'm bored of having my belly rest on my crotch when I sit down.

In keeping with January's YOR, I'm still posting a pic a day on flickr. It's...a little unsettling, taking a pic of myself every day and staring at it trying to decide if I like it. Which of course, I don't, because I have a spotty chin, my eyebrows are fucked, and I often look stoned. Or, as someone else pointed out, worried.

Rabbit in headlights springs to mind.

But hey, it means I get my camera out. In last night's shoot I got my boobs out. But no, they don't make an appearance, because you know, I'm trying to keep it tasteful.

This will not last long.

I've also booked me a ticket to a photography show at the NEC, which is really surreal, especially as I booked myself as a photographer.

As in -

Name: Me

Address: Here

Occupation: Photographer (wtf?)

Company: Jay Mountford Photography (say what now?)

(I'm STILL working on my site. WordPress opens a can of Whoop-Ass on me every time I look at it.)

Unfortunately, I am not Hot (February YOR). What I am, is full of cold. So much FOF, I may have dribbled a little snot on Isaac's leg, and in Noah's hair today. You know when it's just so watery, and you don't move quick enough to catch it? It's kind of like that. I hate that. It's messy. So I kind of end up sitting around with a tissue wedged up my nose.

...hmm.

On reflection, that's definitely not hot.

BUT. I have managed to wear fucking sexy bras and various thongs/French knickers for the last week-ish. Which of course has leaded to no action at all, because all I want to do is sleep. But you know, there's been plenty of heavy breathing and stuff.

...while I sleep.

That's not to say, D does stuff to me while I sleep.

Because he doesn't.

...I think.

Look, you know what I mean.

Maybe I should just start working on March YOR, and let Jillian get on with a little ass-whoopin'. That's hot, right?

My latest Photography Phun is "A Month of Me", whereby I take a self portrait every day for the month of February. I was inspired by a sexy-ass twitter buddy, who is doing 365, which is FAR more inspiring, and I'd jump on that bandwagon if I wasn't 31 days too late.

Anyway! Unfortunately after having removed most bodily fluids from every possible orifice, the second picture looks remarkably shit (there was no way I was going to smile), but still, I'm determined to keep going. Especially if it means I have to take at least one pic every day.

So what's on the cards for February YOR? It's a doozy. Absolute GENIUS.

For February?

YOR?

My resolution, is...

to be...

more...

...hot.

Like, HOT.

Like, HAWT. And not hot as in wear more jumpers and sweat excessively every day.

No, no, no.

Ok, let's break this down. Every year, someone out there makes the resolution to lose weight/be more healthy/improve their figure blah blah blah.

I? Cannot be arsed with diets. I do not diet. The end. I may exercise on occasion. Which is often followed by a large meal. And sometimes chocolate. And maybe alcohol. This isn't to say that I'm going to give up the good stuff, because I'm not. I'm not even going to set myself up for that because it would be a sheer miracle if I lasted a week.

And so, I plan to learn to love what I am on the outside, in the small hope that I can enjoy the inside a little more. Which means that there may be a few more subtle changes in the things I blog. Things that are sex related (omfg she just said s-e-x in her blog no fucking way she's a w-h-o-r-e), things that are pervy (omg did she just say perve, she's gonna hit on all of us) and hopefully things that reflect a lot more confidence, especially in my physical self (oh see now she just turned into a cocky shit).

I know this sounds like a really, REALLY stupid resolution. In fact, it is. I don't deny that. At. All. Like, how the fuck can a person be hot? I have no idea. But what I DO know is that I've really let myself go over the last two years. My excuse? Being a mom. I've lived in craptastic nursing bras and nursing tops for two years, the average colour of my knicker collection is black, the majority of them are big enough to cover most of Scotland (with no lace in sight), my face is often "can you tell I just got out of bed" and more often than not, it's a good week if I have more than three showers.

True story.

My sex life sucks, and needs a serious revamp. Which I am (we are) already working on, and I'm expecting not only to actually have sex, but indulge in places outside of the bedroom. Which would be lovely, especially as Isaac STILL lives in our room (would someone please just hurry up and buy our fucking house already?). And also? Positions. And outfits. And toys.

To be honest, I feel really bad, since I lost all sex drive after having Noah. An 11lb baby will do that to you. Add another 11lb baby less than two years later, and you're pretty much fucked.

Or...uh, not.

I need to make sure I look good, to help me FEEL good. I may not look hot, and I won't appeal to all, but as long as I appeal to the right people (me, hubs, friends, random hot people), then that's all I give a shit about.

Oh, and sorry, but the colourful language is here to stay.

Bitches.

I've been pounding my website trying to get it to look like something that might be slightly worthwhile, in aid of YOR. I'm hoping to God that I haven't taken on too much, because now I'm at the point where the title of this post is disturbingly true. See, I should be working on the site now, but instead whenever I open Wordpress, I feel remaining brain matter seeping out of my Facial Orifices.

(Awesome segue)

And speaking of Facial Orifices, we're full on FOF here at Mocha Towers. So much frigging snot and phlegm everywhere it's actually quite disturbing. I wake up wondering if I'm really alive, and have not, in fact, drowned in it in my sleep. And even more lovely is that Noah likes to play with baby wipes, and also wipe his nose on them. So of course, I can't tell which ones he's used and which ones he's, uh, "used".

(Another awesome segue)

Which reminds me, Noah having ventured into the world of two year olds, seems to be fully indulging himself in discovering his rights (and wrongs) as a growing toddler. Unfortunately he appears to have turned into me; having become very strong willed (like, more than before) and taking any opportunity to yell the words "Gaga - OH!!" (Isaac - NO!), regardless of what Isaac is doing.

(Yes another segue. I'm on FIRE)

On the subject of Isaac, he seems to um, have learnt way too much for his own good. He's mastered the art of Crumple Faced Crying (forced tears and everything), and thoroughly enjoys ripping the lounge apart. I'd say it's good fun, but it's old now. Am bored. Isaac - NO!

Anyway, back to the original subject (no amazing segue, I'm spent); I'm enjoying the (few) pictures I'm taking, and still looking for more subjects. It's been so frustrating as I feel like I've got NOTHING. DONE. Like, nothing. I've barely taken anywhere near as many pictures as I'd like, instead deleting maybe a billion duplicates off the macbook (thus clearing up nearly 30gb of space. I suspect that says a lot about my life.) in order to add more, well, crap.

Anyhoo.

I'm still working on YOR, that much is true. I'm refusing to pay anyone to do the website for me (apart from initial startup help, like wtf is Wordpress, and also, wtf is Wordpress again) and I'll keep working at it until I get something I find reasonably presentable.

So maybe around the summer, when I've completely lost interest and am busy working on February, March and April's resolutions.

You know what I suck at?

New Year Resolutions.

I just can't do them. If I'm lucky, I can last...hmmm...maybe 4 hours. 6 if it's a particularly good resolution. But most often? I've forgotten it (them) within minutes of thinking about it (them).

So I've been trawling through the masses of Revolutionary Resolutionary blogs, when suddenly, one blog I particularly enjoy came up with something that is indeed Revolutionary:

"Year of Resolutions"

That is to say, rather than coming up with a whole ton of crap on 1st Jan that you'll have forgotten by 2nd Jan that same year, you have a new resolution every month, to work through for that month. Make it a habit, for only a month, and after then, it should be automatic.

Right?

Right.

I LOVE this idea. And I'm really hoping Karl doesn't mind me jumping on board too. So I'm going to make a resolution, a new one, at the start of every month. I'll be intrigued to see if any of you do it too, and I'm sure Karl might appreciate your support.

My first resolution? Hmm.

I think it's going to be career related. I've been toying with photography for almost a year now, and my latest "serious" snaps have come out really well I think. And one thing I've become even more aware of is my growing disinterest in music.

So...*gulp*

Let's say this first month, I will make every effort to begin my photography business venture. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But I'd like to be able to say that I made a fucking good start with it, and hope that it continues to go somewhere for the forseeable. I've already done three official shoots, and I'm potentially booked for another four, in the hope that I can continue to build up my portfolio.*

As you all know, I have very little faith in myself, so declaring this as official is quite fucking scary. But I think it's time to take some very fucking big steps. Away from music. And into something I enjoy. I have no idea what will happen, but we'd never know until I tried, right?

...right.

* A very small selection of photos are on my flickr page; if you have a flickr account I would love to hear from you