@cosmicgirlie
First of all, before anything else, can I just say thank you so much to all those who responded to my last post. I appreciate ALL responses, and it was so reassuring to have that reminder that there are actually people who do still give a shit (about me) because a lot of the time I forget.

So, thanks.

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 18+4 days
Month: 5
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 17 weeks
Heartbeat: 141 bpm
Time to Go: 149 days
Size: Sweet potato. Ok I cooked some of these earlier and there were like, 5 different sizes. I pick the smallest.
Time til Big Scan: 11 days

After that post, unfortunately things took an unpleasant turn. In that fab way I do, I'm all happy smiles at the moment, but I'm still not quite sure what's bubbling away in the back of my mind. I do know that I can't keep going through all of this; I'm fast running out of stamina (or may have run out already) and I'm particularly scared about my future (in many, many ways).

D and I are still together, I still have my boy, and my baby. The three of them seem to be doing ok. D perhaps has a slightly better understanding of what's going on, but I don't know to what extent. Noah of course is being great again, he has his off moments and he still uses tantrums when he can (it's what they do, right?) but I'm trying my best to ignore them in the hope they'll maybe fade out in about 15 years time.

MW #2 had fun trying to find The Other One's heartbeat this week; it wouldn't keep still long enough (dear sweet Lord, please spare us...) and after 5 minutes she very nearly gave up. But hey, at least she knew where to look (and skimming through that post, it concerns me that a year later I still have a strong desire to shoot the neighbours. Noisy stupid whores).

There's loads more I could say, but not right now I think. So instead, here are a bunch of pictures off my lovely new phone, whilst I go and wait for my Chinese food to arrive. I am the healthiest person alive.



ACK. The cuteness.



!revliS oh iH




NOM.
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@cosmicgirlie
I realised today that there's an awful lot of shit going on with me, which I appear to kinda of shove uner that fabled carpet and try not to upset anyone with it. Unfortunately, as of late, I'm realising that shit just really doesn't work.

Most of what's happening, I should have known was going to happen, or I should have learnt to deal with it by now. Deal with it and move on.

But I swear to the gods I am on the verge of losing my marbles.

None of this will make much sense, I guess, but hear me out. A bit.

I know, (hope and desperately pray) that most of what's whizzing around in my head is as a direct result of the pregnancy. Those joyful hormones that have plagued us women for faaaaaaarrrrr to fricking long. I'm tired of being "On the Edge" all the time, I'm tired of crying over things that normally wouldn't phase me, I'm tired of being told I'm doing a great job and then have random people offer their opinion on what I should really be doing. Hell, I'm just tired of being god damned tired.

Yes I am WELL aware that pregnancy is exhausting, especially with a child who is 10 months going on 16 yrs. But what makes me sad here, is that much as I adore Noah to bits, and think that he is quite possibly the coolest kid ever to exist in the history of children, I'm starting to resent him a little.

It breaks my heart to type these words, and I'd want him (and anyone else) to know that he means more to me than anything else in the Whole. Entire. World.

But lately...I dunno. Lately I feel like I have to force myself to really connect with him, or to have time for him. And it's not even his fault. He's just 10 months old. He deserves a mum who not only gives a genuine shit about him, but surely should be able to do it without sometimes feeling it's the greatest upheaval ever.

I hate myself for thinking things like this, and I know it's only a temporary thing, but why should I even be thinking or feeling them in the first place? I can't stand it.

I've felt so disappointed in myself lately. I mentally bitch about everyone else all the time, how I feel like I have to do everything or give instructions to everyone else, and how it feels like it's always me who has to run the show and make sure that everything runs smoothly, because no one else seems to do it. And if things don't run smoothly, then it is my fault and no one else seems willing to take the blame anyway.

And then I have to take a back step and make a huuuuge effort to remind myself about all the things that everyone else has done for me/us/him. Sad to say, sometimes it doesn't feel like that much. I guess I often feel let down, and even though I've been living with that for years (spontaneous support from my own immediate family rarely occurs) you'd think I'd be used to it by now; but some part of me always stupidly (and naively) seems to hold out hope. I guess that just makes me even more sad.

There are too many things going on right now that I think test to some extreme limits every single day. Which is a bitch, because it's getting to the point where I contemplate leaving. Me and Noah, packing our stuff, and moving somewhere so far away, not even D or my own family (should they choose to make an effort) would find me.

I know running away isn't the answer, and I couldn't even do it anyway, for sooo many reasons I couldn't even begin to list them here. Right now I don't know what the answer is. I go to counselling every so often to deal with all the work crap going on in my head (and oh my god THERE'S a whole chapter in it's own right) and I'm now finding her useless. Especially when she calls me Joy. I'm starting to wonder if maybe she's playing some kind of psychological mind game with me...

So that's failing me. I don't have any "just around the corner" friends who I feel close enough to, who would listen to me vent, nod in all the right places and tell me whatever it is I need to hear, without adding a nice dollop of assvice. I realised that no one actually knows enough about me personally to listen and help me in the way that's best for me. Or, maybe they do, but can't be arsed to listen to my shit. D does his best to listen when I finally let off steam, but usually, 10 minutes after it all, it's like I never even opened my mouth, and I'm often back to square one, with an extra side order of sheer frustration.

I'm amazed at how angry, frustrated and annoyed I feel with everyone and everything, including myself. I try to tell myself every day that whatever decision I make for Noah is the right decision, but of course I know I make mistakes. Who the hell doesn't? But sometimes it's so hard to hear someone else's opinion and how it's made to sound like you're the Worst Mother Ever (I once joked with a friend about how we should put together a website called badmommies .com, only to discover that it had a very questionable porn affiliation attached to the very idea. Soooooo baaaaaad.)*

I'm tired of...hmmm...I think I'm tired of busting my ass, getting minimal thanks, next to no recognition for it and not really getting the relief when I truly need it. I'd like to think that I don't ask for help that often (it's a rarity, to be honest), so perhaps it would be a bit easier to help because hopefully I'm not so demanding...I don't frigging know. I warned this wouldn't make much sense. Hell, I've managed to confuse myself now, so lord only knows where I'm going.

One thing I will say which terrifies me to the very pit of my growing stomach, is that I cannot possibly see how I am going to cope with two. I have no idea how I am going to run the show, when it often feels like I have to run other lives without time for my own.

There are so many things I want to quit, in the hope of giving me a fighting chance, to spend the time with my family and give them the time they deserve. But I know I can't quit them yet; the guilt would just consume me to all new realms, it's not the right time, I'd regret it, gahhhh tha list goes on.

I have a rehearsal later, and as I can't remember the last time I had a shower (seriously, no lie), I may just take this opportunity to pretend to do that mad thing where you hope you can wash all your troubles away.

Or maybe, I'll just take a shower and hope to smell nice, even though I couldn't tell because it's now been near on four days since my sense of taste and smell have been dulled by this mother puppy cold.

If you made it this far, then thanks.

* You'll note I made sure this WASN'T a hyperlink...didn't fancy the idea of linking to very dodgy (I assume) porn, thanks.
@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 17+6 days
Month: 5
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 16 weeks
Heartbeat: 146 bpm
Time to Go: 154 days
Size: Onion. I don't get it.
Time til Big Scan: 16 days

We have a new addition to our happy home!! Yes, it's called "Noah's Tantrums". They involve screaming, crying, hurling objects across the room, thrashing of hands and feet and zero cooperation.

Until he realises (as of yesterday) that actually he won't get his way anymore, and then flops himself on me for a cuddle. Yes I hear it...

N: BITCHES!!

Me: ...

N: GIVE ME MY BREADSTICKS NOOOOOOWWW!!!

Me: ... *cough* ... (cos I'm still ill with bird flu)

N: I shall now rotate my head at TOP SPEED and see how all my toys get caught up in the whirlwind wrath that is NOAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!1!!!!!!!!!111!

Me: *sniff* *cough* ....

N: ...

Me: ...

N: Ok mama gimmie cuddles now, I'm done.



They only last a few minutes, which I can tolerate in this frame of mind, and I knew they were coming soon enough. What scares me is that he's been smart enough all this time to know how to use them. (Stupid Whore! I hear you shout.)

The good news is we no longer think he has (had) chicken pox, and if he did then it was the mildest case we ever did see. He's still got the wretched world-wide cold (as have I, did I mention that?) and continues to trail snot everywhere and do that cute little kid thing where if it's close enough to his mouth, he attempts, with every effort, to have a good lick (you have no idea how many time's I have dry heaved over this).

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go because D has just walked through the door with dinner. Dominos Pizza, loaded potato skins, garlic bread, non alcoholic shandy and a tube of Skittles.

I AM the Healthy Mutha. The Other One is going to be TWICE as big as Noah. Bring it.
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@cosmicgirlie
Tag from J & A's Crew (I'm yet to understand tagging, I admit)

8 FAVORITE TV SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH

  • That 70's Show
  • Boston Legal
  • Hell's Kitchen USA
  • Wife Swap USA
  • Supernanny USA (American tv is seriously the best)
  • Friends
  • Charmed
  • Top Gear


8 FAVORITE RESTAURANTS

  • Simpsons
  • Paris (please come back...)
  • Lasan
  • Mal Maison
  • Claridges (Yeah that's right)
  • The Seafood Restaurant
  • Kababish
  • Chung Ying's

8 THINGS THAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY

  • I upgraded my phone
  • D and I took my mum out for dinner at Lasan
  • Understood my mother in law a little more
  • Accidentally fed Noah food that was too hot
  • I cried
  • Tried on my maternity jeans
  • Cooked chicken and tomato meals for Noah
  • Found out some bad news about D's brother


8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO

  • Noah's first Christmas
  • D's birthday Caribbean cookout tomorrow
  • Sorting out work for good (one way or another)
  • Noah's first (proper) words
  • The Other One
  • Regular sleep
  • Credit Crunch to be over
  • Feeling FINE


8 THINGS ON MY WISH LIST

  • A little bit of money
  • The end of Credit Crunch
  • Our house to sell
  • To find a house to move to
  • For Noah to be ok
  • For D to be ok
  • My home birth
  • To feel FINE


8 PEOPLE I AM TAGGING

  • Kelly
  • Jen
  • Jo S
  • Rach H (yes you!!)
  • Amy M
  • Tracey
  • Samantha (Double tagged...is that allowed?)
  • Ash (Tag back? Is that allowed too?!)
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@cosmicgirlie
Ill. Again. Colds. Me. Noah. Muchos muchos snotty tissues.

...

The end.

PS New car still AWESOME, along with my phone upgrade. Mmmmmmmmmm. If a little streaked with snot.
@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 16+6 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 15 weeks
Heartbeat: 143 bpm
Time to Go: 161 days
Size: Erm...a mediocre avocado? Because next is onion and I'm just confused.
Time til Big Scan: 23 days

Soooo...I thought it was safe to breathe. You know when you have that moment when you think to yourself, "Hey! Everything is just sweet. Life is pretty cool!", and then a reasonable sized pile of horse mud flings itself at you?

We suspect Noah has chicken pox. He's had this runny nose for like, forever, and on Saturday D noticed a couple of spots on his back. Today at clinic as I stripped him off to be weighed (where I discovered he weighs 25lbs 7oz mother of god he weighs a considerable fraction of me) I spotted* a whole load of spots on his back, one or two on his front and he was casually absent mindedly rubbing his chest and tummy whilet strying to talk to HV#4 with his dummy in his mouth.

He's been mostly great for the last few days, being a little scritchy every so often, which we as great parents put down to him just having a cold.

We are so awesome.

I haven't totalled the car, but I really want to push the button that says "VSA". The dealership guy said I really shouldn't push that button. It alters the stability of the wheels and stops over/under steering. Basically, it stops me trying to slide round corners.

So I'm obviously wanting to push that button. Sweet Jesus as if starting the engine by pushing a shiny red button wasn't enough**, now there's a button that I WANT to push even more but NOT ALLOWED???*** What is up with tormenting me with the Button Pushing, people??!

Can I just take this opportunity to say that I am now only 2lbs over my weight when I was pregnant with Noah at this point. There may just be a god.

Of course my latest addictions for lettuce smothered in Heinz salad cream, or pickled onion Space Raiders, or chocolate and cake in almost any way, shape or form, may alter this smugness a little later on down the line.

As a complete aside, I just read a friend's blog entry, and she wrote about how she nearly electrocuted herself in the crotch with her electric razor in the shower. Is it wrong that I may have pee'd a tiny little bit with the laughter? ****


* Pun totally intended
** Christ it's actually red and says ENGINE START. Do you know how sweet that is?

*** I'm sooooo going to push it. When I'm not too chicken shit scared.
**** Hey, you push 11lbs past yer bladder and out yer crotch and see if you don't make a teeny tiny mess once in a while.
@cosmicgirlie
I have a car.

It's shiny and new.

And lovely.

And fast.

And Noah likes it. He told me.

And I like it. It's mine.

I took Noah out for a drive, went to Sainsbury's to get Calpol and teething powders. I drove straight past instead. Because I didn't want to get out.

Ok so I was obviously sad to see Little Orange Thing go (temporarily to Bro in Law's house) but sweet Jesus, the Honda Civic ES is a COOL CAR.

Cos I said so.
@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 16+2 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Heartbeat: 148 bpm
Time to Go: 165 days
Size: The avocado is still in the fridge. *barf*

CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW.

Noah climbed the stairs today. Unassisted. In approx 1 minute 10 seconds.

CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW.

I had to snap this on Noah's TEN MONTH birthday, TODAY (sweet Jesus, it's just not right).



He's learning to eat food on his own with his spoon. Porridge: 1, Noah: 0

CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW!
CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW! CAR TOMORROW.

Um, the end.
@cosmicgirlie
Tropical Tree Frog Costume GIVEAWAY!!!!

And I swear I would save this and treasure it and make every single one of my children wear it. And then save it for their grandchildren.

And then I'd probably force it on the cat because O.M.G.

The cuteness!!

...

Christ, Noah in this outfit might actually kill me. Wonder if there's adult sizes...
@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 16+0 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Heartbeat: 147 bpm
Time to Go: 166 days
Size: Avocado. You know I have a naval orange and an avocado right here, and the avocado is actually bigger.

Still not gonna eat it though.

Noah is ill. Again. He has a cold, and we're all suffering for it. It's kinda odd, because he's such a good kid and rarely makes a fuss if he's ill. Yesterday he crawled up on to my lap several times and just lay there watching tv (and every time, a limb would fall asleep because I was so uncomfortable, but do you think I was gonna be stupid enough to move when my grossly independent child wants a cuddle? Hell to the mother puppy no.) in between shouting at his toys and refusing food. Today he spent the day dancing to Bunnytown, still refusing food (apart from breadsticks and rice cakes) and rugby tackling me.

If it wasn't for the food thing, oh and him constantly sticking out his tongue trying lick the delightful ever-flowing trail of snot from his nose, I'd never know he was ill. Somehow, with 4 teeth also cracking through at the top, he's still so aweome.



D and I are suffering mostly in that we feel sad for him obviously, but also last night was pretty rough as he woke up a few times. Obviously we're (secretly) smug that he's been sleeping through (like, 10 - 12 hours) since about 2 months, so that came as a shock to the system. I hate when he cries while he has a cold as it's the saddest most whimpering cry you've ever heard, but you know there's nothing you can do for him. If he'd let me I'd just pick him up and smother him with kisses and cuddles.

My latest game is "Guess What Causes Migraines?" and it's just the Best. Game. Ever. Current candidates include Chinese food, mobile phones, work and lack of sleep (I promise I will explain that small issue of work soon, just, not yet). I never had so much fun...at this stage I'm immensely thankful that the sciatica and SPD are reasonably under control. Also thankful I've not had a migraine re-occurance as bad as the last biggie, but it bothers me that there's always a niggling migraine, every single day...

I also seem to have (FINALLY) discovered my "renewed 2nd trimester energy" (which has been a freaking long time coming) but has proved to be great playing with Noah. His "rugby tackling" is so hilarious, along with the insane grin, full charge, raised arms and growling that goes with it! Man he cracks me up.

You're probably wondering about the new car...or you're probably not but I have no feasible segue that I can think of right now, but there's a hold up - not picking it up until Friday! And all because I wanted an iPod adaptor fitted (surely those things come as standard in so many cars?) so I'm still driving the Little Orange Thing at the mo...and oddly enough I'm more gutted than I thought I would be, but hey, ya know, something for the, uh weekend...

Something to make you chuckle? I'm 16 weeks along, more flab than bump, and I'm having Braxton Hicks contractions. Can you believe I forgot all about those momentary spasms of joy?
@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 15+5 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Heartbeat: 147 bpm
Time to Go: 169 days
Size: Naval Orange. Or for the normal people, about 11 - 12cm.

Halloween babies on Friday - yes, the NCT babies actually had a Halloween party. It was hilarious seeing all the babies in costumes! Noah had an outfit, nothing fancy given that he has a habit of removing clothes, but it has to be said, he did look ridiculously cute.


It says "I'm a little devil" across the front, and the hat has a face and horns on it. Needless to say it didn't last long.

And of course:

It wouldn't have been complete without a little tail. He had a great time, and did surprisingly well given he didn't go down for his SINGLE DAILY nap til an hour later than normal.

The Other One is moving madly; I've felt loads of movement lately which is kinda of bizarre, especially knowing how early it is. But still, I have that awesome "ski slope" in the mornings before the colossal pee, which is always entertaining. Even more entertaining is the fact that The Other One refuses to keep still long enough for D and I to get an accurate heart rate! Dear lord, if this one is seriously livelier than Noah (which is already the case) then we are totally screwed.

Though thankfully Noah grows in independence every day; he can do a completely self-fed finger-food breakfast (breadsticks, fruit sticks, fruit, Cheerios, Raisin Wheats, Smoothie Pouches) and he's started to try dipping his spoon in his bowl and eat with it. It's hilarious to see him dip the spoon in, usually accompanied by a finger, and then shove the spoon in his mouth. He gets a fair amount in the spoon too.

Comes the best bit - he's eaten 6 Little Stars fromage frais last week, and today he ate an entire bowl of porridge...

...

Made with full fat cows milk! Absolute minimal reaction, and no reaction to the fromage frais. We may possible have made a considerable breakthrough from previous issues, and man alive am I starting to feel relieved.
And my treat? A new car on the way! It's a Honda Civic ES. Bigger in sooooo many ways than my little orange 207, perhaps a little more grown-up, but hopefully just as much fun. Pick it up on Wednesday, and after the ridiculous stress of cars the last month, I CAN NOT WAIT.