It's back. At least, I think it is. My old friend. My old buddy, the old 'Slippery Slope'. And here I am looking deeply into the mouth of it, just thinking how easy it would be to throw myself into it for the next nine months and just float by, and then come out of it when Mocha is born.

It's funny; that's the easiest option, yet it's quite possibly harder than dealing with it than life itself.

I'm also at that old dilemma of hearing people say 'just get over it'. I've never heard such bollocks in my life. And one person in particular who says that, of all people, should just fucking know better than that. But I guess I almost forgive their ignorance.

I never thought I'd be back here so soon, especially in the middle of the pregnancy. Hah! Who am I kiddin? Im not near the middle yet, as all the opinionated people like to tell me it's still really early yet.

Oh yeh? Fuck off and bite me.

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 13+0 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 11 weeks
Fetus Heartbeat: 143 bpm
Time to Go: 188

I have a lot more happier things to write about, but as per usual in the pits of depression (Oh, er sorry, I exaggerate - I meant, feeling a little down. PAH) I can never seem to focus on those. All the nursery stuff is ordered, due to arrive in October. Other odds and ends ordered, due to arrive in the next few weeks.

People dishing out opinions like cheese samples in Sainsburys, already arrived and with a vengeance. You become pregnant, suddenly everyone's a fucking doctor. And of course, no other opinion (including your own) counts. Lately all I want to do is punch people in the face. Usually anyone who tries to speak to me.

And christ on a cracker, MIL is back on form, barking orders to 'go and visit' (er, last I heard, this was actually an option?) and I can seriously see myself screaming at her to 'Back the Fuck Off, Bitch'. Man that would go down So. Well.

Christ, this is not the best time to write a post.

On the upside, Mocha's heartbeat is still currently the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.
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Well it's been...an interesting week I guess. Can't really remember much of it, apart from sleeping, trying not to barf, trying to psyche myself up to practice my cello (which I still haven't done), obsessing over baby stuff and trying to decide what the hell to write in my blog. But here's something lovely:

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 12+1 day
Month: 3
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 10 weeks
Fetus Heartbeat: 158 bpm
Time To Go: 194 days

Yeppers, new due date (because Mocha is a whale already) so let's say hello second trimester!! Can you say 'still feeling shit'? I'm still narked over the whlle DPA thing (cos you know, dog with a bone...) and had some fabulous news from the doc yesterday.

Doc the 2nd: I'm not happy about you carrying around your cello and bass, especially with your sciatica. And what are you going to do about September?

Me: Um...

Doc the 2nd: Do you have any numbness? Where does it hurt at the moment?

Me: Um, well not numbness, just pins and needles...

Doc the 2nd: Ok I think I'm going to refer you to physio, they should be in touch with you soon.

etc etc... And a marvellous phone call from my midwife 2 days earlier.

Midwife: Hi, we have your blood results through, and everything is fine apart from that you have sickle cell trait..


Midwife: Uh, I'm guessing you didn't know that.

So now they're going to stab DH for blood too. Add to this the possibility of antenatal depression, postnatal depression, more blood tests and my head exploding, things are just marvellous. Oh and just in case I hadn't learnt to just ignore the phone when it rings, just had CJ on -

CJ: So, when are you coming back?

Me: Don't know, Doc the 2nd has said I might not even be allowed to play anymore.

CJ: Don't wanna ask but just wondering how come you're still gigging...

Me: Well, it's because I beg lifts from DH or risk driving and crashing my car again and because I'll lose my fucking marbles stuck in this house doing shit all and because I can only play an hour at a time anyway before I either fall asleep or supress the urge to scream in agony over my frigging leg/ass/back.

I didn't actually say those words, but perhaps used the less explicit version. You know what though? I want to go back. I think about The Situation everyday. After this Mocha is born, I would love to go back to a couple of days a week. But I truly believe they want me out the door. Which sucks donkey bollocks. I wanted to be pleased someone had called me. But that paranoia still says 'yeh it's all a load of shit, babes'.

I am, however, starting to seriously wonder if this sciatica will ever ease up, or will it just get so bad that I can't even play anymore. That scares me a whole lot. I'm still outrageously tired, yet my sleep at night...well...ha. Mocha might not be kicking me yet, but my bladder sure likes to let me know of it's presence.

And the good news for this post? Um....

Oh yeh!! If you poke my belly hard enough you can feel a uterus in there. I'm growing a small but very firm watermelon.
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Or at least, maybe it would make people feel better if I behaved that way. I understand the world does not revolve around me. I understand there are other people in the world, who also have great news. I also, fully understand, that there are people who have crap news too, and can't always share in the good stuff. But why. WHY. Do people insist on crapping. on. my. parade.

Bonehill's pregnant. And chose yesterday, right as I walked through the door, to tell me. Then in the evening, a text from Ayn saying she was pissed at everyone's focus and concentration. And then today, another text saying please be sensitive around Anthony because he wants kids, and curb your enthusiasm and blah blah shit bollock smells.

But you know what? Apart from the fact that most people these days can go and get bent, I shall continue to enjoy this damned freaking pregnancy as much as I can because you know what? I heard Mocha moving around on the doppler this morning, and you know what? The only people to know about it may be me, DH and The Internet because you know what? Sometimes the only people you can count on are the ones who genuinely want to be happy for you. Or can be bothered to read.

I wonder if I should put timelines at the start of every entry.

I'm really sad about DPA now. It's sad but I feel forgotten already. IC still hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He doesn't give a rats ass). CJ also hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He's hoping I'll quit). There's kind of that feeling of 'ok, now she's almost out the door, how fast can we phase her out entirely???' which of course annoys the crap outta me especially when I actually still made an effort from home. And it's a reeeeeeeeally sad state of affairs when your students update you on what's going on.

There's gotta be more happier news in this somewhere...lemmie think...oh yeh...ummm.....

I'll be back later.
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AAAAAAAACK. Ok so I left the planet for a short while and didn't post. Well, actually I just went to Cornwall with DH, on a much needed, stress free, work free break. Did absolutely nothing all week (eat, sleep, eat, sleep), was frickin ace. Now I'm home and I'll do more of the same (eat, pass out, eat, pass out).

Oh yeh, and we had our U/S last Monday. :)

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 10+4 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 9 weeks

Time To Go:
Due Date: 205 days
2nd Trimester: 9 days

So of course, the scan was freakin awesome. I was naturally crapping myself in what felt like the lengthy eternity before she put the scanner on my belly, and that blank screen looked like it wanted to make some kind of mockery of me. As soon as she put it on my belly, there she was, bouncing around like something I could never even imagine. Mocha was there, in full glory, waving arms and legs like she was trying to say hello, bouncing around all over the place. Needless to say, I cried (well it was inevitable. Now shut the hell up).

You could see head, body, legs, arms, cord, sac...and most importantly, the heartbeat (a crazy little flashing blob in the middle of it all). Madam Sonographer moved the scan thingy around a bit and also found a cyst on one of my ovraies, and suspected it may have come from the work done with the D&C, but said it didn't look like there was anything to worry about. She even found the follicle that Mocha would have come from, which was oddly creepy.

Then came the moment of amusement - according to my charts I was 9w6d at the scan, whereas Mme Sonographer said Mocha was measuring 10w5d. Holy cow (wildebeast), I think she may be a big one. My siblings and DH's siblings were all around the 9lb mark when born. That does not fill me with confidence.

Interestingly, I asked Mme Sonographer on her opinion with Dopplers. She seemed very adamant about not using them, and suggested we wouldn't get any use out of one til after 12 weeks (like, around the 16 week mark?!). Hmm...yes hi...I'm convinced she was just trying to make sure we wouldn't freak out if we didn't hear it.

So I ovbiously tried it again as soon as we got back from Cornwall. Few seconds, and there she was. Thanks Mme Songrapher, but I think we're ok.

And now, for the first time ever, presenting to you....some pictures.

I'm still wary about this blogging thing, so I'll maybe post some more soon. But at the moment, I seem to write enough for a novel. So enough alrady.

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Me: Heya Nick! Guess what!! Guess who's pregnant!

Nick: You never are, are ya? That's great!

Me: Thanks!!!

Nick: Yeah I had a vasectomy yesterday...

(here follows 5 minutes of graphic details...)

Cos, um, like, what the fuck? And I'm supposed to care? And did you not hear what I just said?? GOD DAMMIT??

Oh wait, hold on -

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+5 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 8 weeks

Time To Go:
Due Date: 211 days
2nd Trimester: 15 days
UltraScan: 12 hours (YEEEEAAAH baby)

And my other grief is people who just won't leave me the fuck alone because I'm not ready to tell you yet because it's MY NEWS AND I KNOW THE WORLD WILL KNOW BEFORE I'VE EVEN. FINISHED. TELLING. YOU. None of your damn business, tell you when I'm damn near good and ready. Though you've probably told everyone anyway. Damnit.

As I lay in bed last night, at 2am, listening to DH snore downstairs on the sofa and feeling resentful that I couldn't sleep because those snores haunt me in a sleeping and waking life, I wondered what would happen if I put a pillow over DH's head. Then I laughed about it and told him this morning. He laughed too. All be it nervously. I thought it was funny.

So, Cornwall tomorrow, and lord it's long overdue. I'm so looking forward to seeing Phil and spending an obscene amount of time on the beach, not thinking about the suckage that is work. Cos I sill haven't heard from them and so of course they still suck. But not people at my level of course though (yes, us scrutters who deserve nothing). Well, I heard from J-Po and he's still lovely as ever. But he's the only one that knows (I hope). Haven't heard from anyone else though. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Oddly enough, I'm slightly bitter about it. But that's because I'm thinking they just dont care, when I'm not even sure that I want them to. Or maybe they're not supposed to contact me or something. Or maybe the ice-cream I just ate made me feel sick and now all I want is my salt and vinegar (chipsticks? Yes please).

Anyway, Cornwall. Oh yeh. I packed a bikini. Cos I'm obviously gonna wear it on the beach, sporting my obscene bloatedness.

Scene - On the beach
DH: Hey babe you look great in that bikini.

Me: yeh, don't feel great, but thanks. My boobs totally make the top look fucking ace.


DH: ...

Me: I'll be right back.

Still only gained a pound though, and gone up two cupsizes (now in E cup) so shove THAT up yer skinny ass crotches.

Oh yeh and U/S too. That still hasn't actually sunk in yet, so at the moment I'm still fretting about whether I'll have enough piss in my bladder for them to prod at and make it totally worth our while. We (only just) heard the heartbeat today. Mostly because I've been pissing every thirty minutes as a result of..well, the freaking obvious. I'm not even convinced that seeing a pic will bring it home. And I'm guessing all I'll see is a little fuzzy blob (baby). With a big gaping blob (bladder). And maybe some squiggly blobs (umbilical cord, limbs).

But I am happy. Really.
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Ahhhhhh yes my lil beastie of a car is back. I've missed my lil orange lovely. And I think they cleaned it too. On the outside. Hell. Yes.

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+4 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 8 weeks

Ah I can't be bothered with the other bit, you can work it out, right?

I'm refraining from getting the doppler out again (to make sure it still works of course, nothing else). But I don't want to listen to the first recording because I obviously know what that sounds like (duh). FFs keep warning about Doppler overuse, and everytime I search the internet I'm yet to find anything. Doesn't take much to instill the fear of God in a person. DH is out today, it's more than likely I'll try it because I'm bored.

I have (another) new toy - T-mobile MDA Vario II and it's frickin (wtf?) Haven't got all my games on it yet, and I need a flash card and blah blah, but it's pretty. And does cool stuff. And. Free.

I ventured into Primark yesterday - it was a helluva experience. But I spent £50 and got like a million tops, pants, and some joggers. My Increasingly Fat wardrobe is complete. I may have also diverted past H&M and got some more stuff. I love big clothes, they mean you don't have to suck your belly in. Ah the relief.

And so it's scan and then Cornwall on Monday. I think the reality is starting to sink in with DH now he's heard the heartbeat. Ironically I'm still not quite getting it. I just think I'm tired/lazy/huungry all the time with no real good reason. Though Mocha is asking for some really weird shit lately (tomatoes? Please don't make me do that again. And salivating at avacados? You're a messed up Bean). Still, at least I know Mocha hates fag smoke; my god the urge to ralph everytime someone walked past stinking of fags yesterday was borderline intriguing.

Christ I cannot wait for Cornwall, must remember to find the buckets and spades.
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BECAUSE I HAVE TWO HEARTBEATS!!!! Yeeeeah that's right - last night we heard Mocha's heartbeat!!! Holy crap it was the scariest thing ever. We recorded it on our phones and then I spent an hour crying about it. It still hasn't sunk in, and I still can't believe it's in there. Like, floating around in it's juices and stuff. DH phoned his mum (currently in Norway) and she seemed pretty happy about it (she shows emotion the same way as DH - not very much but it's there if you know what you're looking for) and then I phoned Sis and she was chuffed to bits. She couldn't believe what she was hearing when I played it down the phone. Then mum called later and I played it down the phone to her - she cried. It was really cute.

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+2 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 7 weeks

Time to go:
Due Date: 214 days
2nd Trimester: 18 days
UltraScan: 3 days

We're down in Cornwall next week, so at least I know that I can go down with positive thoughts and shitting myself about what's going on in there. I've also decided (after much thought...) that I'm not going to announce on Sunday at rehearsal. I figure I could if I wanted to, but would rather have some solid evidence. I'm still going to do the wearing the baby t-shirt and not actually saying anything though, but at least then if anyone asks, I'll have the U/S pics on me to show if anyone's interested. I'll bet it's sods law that no one notices the t-shirt, but what the hey, if people care enough then they'll ask. I just need to be REALLY careful not to drop myself in it like I nearly did last week.

I've found a fabulous blog from a woman who's blogged for the last 4 years, including during her pregnancy and birth and 1st year of motherood - she's frickin ace and her name is Amalah (pronounced Aim - a - lah). But her real name is Amy. I don't understand either, but she's pretty cool. And she has a huge fan base! To the point where poeple congratulate themselves on being the first to leave a comment, but then don't leave a comment. I understand. I think.

I've decided to broaden this blog a little bit because I know some of you might get bored of the whole baby thing (even though this is orginally a baby blog, but still). So I thought I'd talk about some other stuff.

Had a message from J-Po via myspace, told him the news. Picked up another guitarist who wants to play, I'll be in touch. I've just hoovered the lounge, using the shake and vac. I didn't do the dance. We're going to Cornwall next week. I already said that. I still don't have my car, I miss it.

Ok I'm gonna go see if I can upload the baby's heartbeat to my laptop.... :oD Thinking I'll be back later
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Ok, yep, yeh, no worries, lemonade tastes vile, toothepaste has no taste (it's MINT for crying out loud) and this morning before my ritual cheese on toast, I would happily have yacked into the bottom of a bowl. My ass has not shut up for the last 12 hours and I visited the loo twice in 5 minutes (possibly a record?).

Interesting point - belly felt smaller this morning. Maybe because I gassed and crapped it all out.

I'm going to nap now I think, even though it's only 8:38am.
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Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+0 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 7 weeks

Last Friday after I helped Claire move, I was driving home and hit that damn annoying bit of pavement that sticks out on the Bristol Road. So I scuffed my alloys, took chunks out the tyres and misaligned my steering a bit. What I hadn't guestimated was knackering the suspension arm and nearly super screwing up the inside wheel arch. Oh, and the £950 worth of damage (2 alloys, 2 tyres, alignment, wheel arch, parts and service and shit). And if I claim on insurance, I lose my NCB.

Fer fucks sake.

So obviously we want to use my car for Cornwall next week (cos there's no way my leg will survive in the 206) so it needs to be repaired this week. Shite. And more obscene words. I had put the (minor - hah!) pavement scuff down to being tired. Despite not being allowed to lift anything (including shopping bags...) I was shattered. I hadn't had my nap and it had been a long day. I'm actually seriously starting to question how safe it is for me to drive at the moment.


As for pregnancy, I need my U/S and I - NEED - IT - NOW. Still sleeping like the dead (in the daytime) and having non-fabulous dreams/nightmares (at night time), but it seems m/s is going, still can't hear hb on doppler, dizzy seems morning and night only, sciatica kicks in when it likes.

It doesn't help that I still don't think I actually realise I'm pregnant. Saying the words out loud make no diff. Or maybe it depends on who I say them to.

I am going to be so pissed off if that scan next week is crap. Symptoms disappearing fast and I can't face another m/c in the light of Jeph's pregnancy. Plus not knowing whether I can drink is gonna push me to drink.

I think I might tell Butterfly Catchers tonight. But I probably won't.

I already miss my car. And I'm hungry.
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Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 8+6 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 7 weeks

Time to go:
Due Date: 217 days
2nd Trimester: 21 days
UltraScan: 6 days

I have trees in my belly. Or maybe some kind of stalker. Or perhaps the vast belly that is empty save for bloatedness and gas is echoing round the doppler. No hb (yeh yeh I know, it's too early...) but we do hear loud whooooshing noises - they're really creepy! Sounds like someone blowing really loudly on a microphone, only it's emitting from my belly :o) It's exciting so that kinda keeps me in check for now. DH is really good at finding it now too.

So my latest food is cheese on toast - works a treat every time. Girls on FF talk about a brat diet (banana - rice - apple - toast) I'm thinking I might give that a try this week. I'm just hoping it doesn't all have to be mixed together...*euch*

Finally gone off KFC I think; gives me incredible wind (as if what I currently have isn't bad enough!) and current snack is lettuce and salad cream - how healthy! But it does mean I'm hungry a lot...most of the time I don't want to eat though unless it's (selected) junk food. Chips are a good choice, and tonight we're having subway sandwiches and curly fries (OH YES!!!!) and I may have to join in with the choc chip cookie to finish. In fact, the desire for chocolate has increased again, possibly the need for iron? I'm too scared to take my prescription iron tablets...

Ooooh must pick up some chocolate ice lols (cornetto? magnum? anything choc and dairy and full of wholesome crap?) from Sainsbury's later.

Nearly dropped myself in it at rehearsal yesterday; thank god U/S is soon because I can't hide the belly much more, I'm falling asleep in rehearsal and my mouth is bigger than Europe. I think Jeph might be on to me, but I don't think she'll say anything, hopefully she's still too wrapped up in her own pg and the fact that her DB proposed last Thursday (um...surprise?) Thankfully being able to use anaemia is staving people off I think...can't wait to just get it out though, even if it's bad news. I hope it's not bad news. I actually think it will be good news.

So I'm a day off 9 weeks, and looking roughly (and rough) around 5 months. I'm so bloated it's funny. I wonder if I'm just going to stay this size till I get to 5 months or something. Though it's just occurred to me I'm already into my 3rd month...what the hell! Some of the symptoms are interesting; poor DH annoys me just by walking into the room (before he's even said or done anything) and he smells too...ack. And eating a pink lady apples - they have no taste!! wtf?? Don't like Chinese food either. It's insane. Oh look, food subject again.

I reeeeeeally need my sub sandwich now.
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