Yes I'm still here, I'm just avoiding you. For no particuar reason apart from that I didn't want another whingey whiney post.



I have finally started to lose the fat. Of course, the packet of Southern Fried Chicken Wings favoured McCoys crisps I'm eating right now probably aren't helping, neither is the questionable prawn curry thing I had earlier, but you know what? It's food and it tastes good. And later I'll probably go have some fruit. Just to even things out a bit.

Anyway, in 3 weeks I have managed to drop a whole pound (ok I managed to somehow gain 2 previous to this but I believe that's not the point). D and I purchased a Wii which is stacks of fun, and I think that's how I lost the weight. Because the only other time I get my lazy ass off the sofa is when I'm acting as Noah's taxi or going to the fridge.

Anyway, then I got all enthusiastic and really thought I was going to get into the whole weight loss thing and registered with a weight loss website and got a excited, then realised this meant I was actually going to have to DO something.

I started well. Or at least, I meant well. Or maybe I'm just rubbish at this and if the weight falls off in my sleep, around the same time I win the lottery jackpot, I'll obviously be very happy but I'm just too much of a slob to bother.

Oh and hey! I think I just broke the 'l' key on my laptop (which is also about to die anyway)

And so, for a you skinny peope out there who are al like skinny with no backsides and ooking ike your average ironing board, al I can say is

HA HA my boobs are probaby bigger than yours.

I need to pound the crap out of the 'l' key I think.

And on the Noah front (Hoorah! shout the masses) he's obviousy great, still cute as ever. However we suspect he may be teething. The excessive dribbling (now has a rash on his chin and neck), the desire to chomp quite hard on anything near his mouth (my nipples included Oh! the joys) and the fact that he's started to wake earlier and earlier in the mornings are our tell-tale signs at the moment. Plus the fact that he'll scream at random during the day and then be happy as pie to play on his awesome new Baby Gym or babble non-stop to his father.

I'm obviously excited about him teething, you know, it's another one of those comparable milestones that every mother anxiously waits for so they know their child is normal. But at the same time I already miss the happy Noah who didn't scream for a good half hour like the child spawn of satan, and then be perfectly normal.

I'm so gad I'm not naive. And my god is my laptop knackered (now the deete key doesn't work??!)

We've just come back from baby clinic and it seems his weight gain might be sowing down now. Yes of course he's still big and heavy, and none of my friends bother to ask anymore because they just accept him as huge and don't anticipate their own children catching up anytime soon. But that's fair enough, I expected that I think. I'm just stil proud that he's a boob baby and I haven't succumbed to the bottle.

I can't imagine his little mouth ful of teeth.

Frigging '' key.

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I've spent the best part of today wondering what the title of this blog should be. I also wondered whether I could get away with another whiney-ass oh-my-life-sucks-but-my-baby-is-awesome post. I also wondered whether I had the strength to get my Bitch Claws out and shred all the Stupid Whores who still insist on walking the streets.

I still haven't decided.

I am, however, still smirking about how awesome Noah is -

"Yo moms I ain't got time for you no more. I is busy listenin to Kanye's 'Gold Digger'. That guy is bitchin'." *

- despite the annoying fact that I still seem to cry about him. Christ I hate being such a whimpy whiney moaning ungrateful biatch.

I think a lot of the problem is that I've started to feel quite sorry for myself but I don't know where it's come from. There's been considerable upheavals lately (is that even a word? I'll Google it in a bit), like trying to work out who my friends really are, if I actually have any friends, and whether the friends that I think are my friends are friends enough for me to finally let my guard down and be a real friend. (What the...)

I'm also beginning to wonder where my future is. I'm losing a lot of desire to play my cello and seriously contemplate ditching it and doing something else. Is it too late? Is 29 far too past it for a career change? And what in the hell would I do anyway??

(2 hours later)

Doesn't matter, I went and cried while trying to feed Noah, whilst realising that the extent of my tiredness now means I'm not producing quite enough milk for him at the moment, and feeling utterly shit with myself and loathing myself like never before because I just shouted at a 3 month old baby for crying for food, and how can he possibly be crying when I'm clearly the one suffering so why should he cry.

I swear I don't think I've ever fucking hated myself as much as this. Freaking emotions of a messed up mom.

* He was actually listening to 'Gold Digger', and didn't seem phased by it. I think I should be pleased but that's kinda hard right now.
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Jesus H Christ* he wasn't even there. Big hype for nothing. Now I really can't be bothered.

Here's something to keep you entertained, while I sit and feel a little pissed off.

In fact, I feel much less pissed off when I look at this clip. Omg this boy is gonna make me laugh so much as he gets older...

Who knew a baby could gurn at 3 months old??!
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Oh Crap-a-Doodle-Doo. Noah is going to meet his Grandfather tomorrow. No biggie, only, we're not talking about D's dad. Nope, oh nope, he's meeting my old man, R, who I have neither seen nor spoken to for coming up 10 years.

It's a sad reason that prompted me to get the ball rolling. Last week Thursday, D and I were discussing whether Noah should meet D's Grandma, who was in a nursing home suffering from pneumonia. She would have no recollection of who D was, she barely knew her own daughter, but I thought it would have been nice for Noah to have a picture with her so at least years down the line, he could say he met his Great Grandmother; something I never had the chance to do.

This conversation was Thursday night. Friday afternoon, D got a call to say she had passed away. There was a sick sense of irony about it all, and oddly enough, I feel a little guilty that we had missed the opportunity. So I guess, my thinking was that I shouldn't deny Noah the chance to meet his own family, even if I don't really consider them family. R has always been a bit of a blur, even though he was around the whole time, I never saw him as "my dad". Just some random guy who I happened to share genes with, and made life hell for me, mum, sister C and brother K.

Speaking to C this week, she says she'll come with me as she's kept in touch with him. She was always his favourite, though I've never fully understood why. But she's great, and I'll appreciate her being there. I have no idea how to handle this; what to expect, how to feel, if he'll even be there or whether he might chicken out and conveniently 'be out' when we knock on the door.

C is organizing things his end; though in light of last weeks events, I'm quite paranoid as she says she can't get hold of him at the mo despite constantly trying. I'm not sure what I feel about that. Should I be bothered?

Am I bothered?
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