I didn't think I'd see her again so soon. She went away last November, and I hadn't planned on seeing her again for quite some time.

It wasn't my idea, though. I wasn't ready to say hello yet. I'm nervous. I'm not sure I can do it yet. But I'm wondering if I ever should have said goodbye.

A sudden flurry of emails, texts and phone calls this last month...why me? Why were people making me deal with her again? I hate that people want me to use her again. I hate the reminder of what they put me through. Sometimes I think I still hate her. So resentful. Few know why. Some should know why, but probably don't realise it. Few knew of my wrath. I'm so angry with all I had to go through; feels like it was all for nothing.

And yet, when I held her last week, for the first time in what felt like forever, I remembered. It's been 5 months. But I remember. I remember everything I've been through. I remember feeling so proud of her, proud of myself. Proud of overcoming all the insane obstacles to keep going for as long as I did.

I recognised her straight away...I've been a part of her for 26 years. It felt natural, she feels right, she feels good. I'd forgotten how much I could yearn for her. I forgot that seductive feel of her beneath my fingers. How she felt whenever I caressed her. I lusted after the emotions she provoked. I lusted after her.

Even so, I'm still bitter when I hold her. So full of envy, of what others could achieve with theirs; that maybe I would never be as good as they. They were better than me, theirs were better than mine. My eyes were always green, but it always made me work harder. Ever harder. But I could never be as good as them.

Strangely, even now, I'm lazy. I want to play with her again, but...I find excuses to not even pick her up. My slothfulness prevents me from going back to that place where I once was. That time when I felt almost invincible, with her power. The lack of power leaves me a little empty. The ever lasting energy she produced; reduced to nothing.

I know why I don't want to go back. I was punished. She punished me. They punished me. But I'm a glutton for punishment. I pick her up, and try to shove it all aside. Like I don't remember any of it. I go back though. I punish myself. I always did. Gluttonous. For punishment.

Is it too much?

No. It’s not enough. I want more. I want more than just her. I want so many things. I have a thirst. A greedy thirst to do so much more than just be with her. The greed consumes me; exhausts me, but I hunger for more.

Other passions invade, I want them all. It’s not enough to be Mother. Cellist. Photographer.

And so, I pay the price for my sins.


This post is inspired Tara Cain's "The Gallery".

Please do not use images without direct permission from Jay Mountford. Thanks.
44 Responses
  1. Chris Says:

    BRILLIANT! You are quite simply BRILLIANT.

  2. Great post. I'm so impressed. I'd love to be able to play an instrument but am too easily distracted to commit to it long enough to learn. xx

  3. Peabee72 Says:

    I love this! Of all your posts, this is my favourite so far. So emotive and that photography is just beautiful.

    Choice, lady, absolutely choice xxx

  4. Anonymous Says:

    A.Ma.Zing! You clever girl! Excellent! Just love it especially the text with the fab pics!


  5. Brilliant post, beautifully written, and incredibly evocative photographs. You should be in display in a gallery girl.

  6. Josie Says:

    The picture of you playing at the end made me cry.

    So proud of you. SO proud of you. More than you can know.

    Beautiful my friend. As are you and as is everything you do.

    I'm with Paula, this is my most favouritist post ever.

    Love you xxxx

  7. Magic Mummy Says:

    One word - brilliant!

  8. Young Mummy Says:

    What a beautiful post - both the words and the pictures. Thank you so much. x

  9. When you said you were going to do all 7 sins, I laughed. I scoffed. I poo poo'd.
    bloody hellfire my friend, that was totally amazing and beautiful and I am chuffed to bits it's 'full stop' is a photo of you playing the cello.
    Brilliant. That is all x

  10. WOW! Brilliant brilliant brilliant post! I am impressed. and inspired! Will try harder next week!!! ;-)

  11. That was a brilliant post. Loved it. And, now I really want to hear you play and learn more.

  12. MuddynoSugar Says:

    Darn it, I thought I was going well with this, but what an amazing post.

  13. Kat Says:

    That brought tears to my eyes. <3

  14. Aaah,so you did manage all 7 of them. And very, very cleverly done I might add, you are waaay too modest.

  15. That was a great post.

    Oh, and cellists are hawt!

  16. jo Says:

    Beautiful post! Thank you for writing it. I found it inspirational.

  17. What a great interpretation of this week's theme. I love this post and whilst I always enjoy your posts, this one seems different. Feels very emotional and you've got that across brilliantly.
    The photos are also excellent.

  18. Greenie01 Says:

    Very very clever post, well done. A great interpretation of Tara's prompt.

  19. vegemitevix Says:

    Ah but as this post proves not only Mother, Photographer and Cellist. But writer also! Beautiful. xx

  20. Anonymous Says:

    I love this picture of you playing the cello. it really captures the moment, where nothing else matters. I also play the cello (ok used to , haven't for 10 years or more). But i did recently buy a piano. I consider myself more of a pianist and i suddenly wanted to go back to it. i am ashamed to say i haven't played it for 2 weeks.
    thank you for a beautiful post.


  21. Deborah Says:

    What a beautiful instrument. This is a very raw diary entry Jay, I really enjoyed reading it and I look forward to hearing you play.

  22. Do you know what Mrs? I think you're blumming ace!

    That is all.


  23. Sime Says:

    An honest, moving, unflinchlingly personal account of the complex relationship professional musicians have with their instruments. It's easy for us mere amateurs to see them simply as the necessary equipment to pursue a hobby, but this beautifully written piece shows that that is very far from the truth. As usual, the depth and breadth of your talents astounds me.

  24. Sandrine Says:

    This is an amazing post: pictures and text! Such spare and simple words and images that give an insight into what it must be like to be a professional musician. And you made it fit around Tara's theme! Wow.

  25. Caroline Says:

    Wow - post of the week for this weeks' Gallery, in my humble opinion. Just lovely.

  26. Jo Beaufoix Says:

    Wow that was amazing. I'm in awe of your beautiful pics, your talent, and your determination to battle difficult feelings and go on. I want to hug you and punch the air. Brilliant.

  27. planb Says:

    Beautiful post, beautiful pictures, beautiful words, beautiful musician, and I am absolutely certain, even though I can't hear it, beautiful playing.

    My favourite too.

  28. I don't have adequate words - just beautiful!

  29. Anonymous Says:

    what can I say, that was beautiful and I'd love to hear you play

  30. april Says:

    wow - okay - i know from the little I know from your blog that you haven't played and you stopped because of a 'big bad' but you played again - and that is amazing and wonderful and wow because maybe if you can play again after a 'big bad' maybe I can act again after mine...maybe I can (in less than a month) walk into a classroom and act again. Maybe. Thank you for the hope. Thank you for the beautiful photos. Thank you for sharing you.
    And those images well need the permission note or they will be used everywhere hon - brilliant they are- brilliant x *hugs*

  31. wow
    beautiful words....amazing pictures.

  32. Oh, this is so lovely. Wonderful photos - the last one especially xxx

  33. Thank you all so very, very much. Your lovely words mean so much to me!! I might vlog one day...

    MIGHT... :)

  34. Mary Poppins Says:

    What a special journey I just feel like I have been on, and has given me goose bumps. Thank you so much for sharing. I wish I had your courage to get back into my passion, she is there deep inside me screaming to get out....


  35. What a lovely post. Glad I've discovered your blog through the Gallery. Look forward to coming back!

  36. I'm not supposed to be on here you know. I'm meant to be sorting out the rampaging elephants in my life who have now grown so numerous there is no way they can hide in corners. But I snuck on here, I read this and was moved to tears. You my gorgeous lovely girl are simply wonderful. Just wanted to say that. I'm off now with my net to catch ellies.

    MD xxx

  37. Your Cello is as Beautiful as you!! And I hope you do vlog one day because I would love to hear you play!!! ;)

  38. Anonymous Says:

    Sheer brilliance. I'm speechless!

  39. sister3 Says:

    I might cry...
    It's fabulous, your pictures are so...
    I'm not that keen in English, especially when I'm at work, tired, and not concentrate
    But your pictures were largely enough for me
    Thank you !

  40. geekymummy Says:

    All this and you are a cellist too? Beautiful images. would live to hear you play.

  41. mommaruth Says:

    Thank you for pointing this to me - it is truly beautiful.

    You have such passion, such verve - and as always you speak so eloquently.

    Keep doing what you're doing, dear.

  42. Mummy Says:

    What a fantastic post!