Every day I have a new idea. Every day I think to myself, "I wanna be like them. I wanna do what he does. I wanna be as good as her." All too often, I doubt myself, and what I can do.
And then comes the question that I dread so much; "Well what can I do?" I have no confidence in myself. The classical music industry has been such a blow to my system, with many of the people in it pretty much destroying any last shreds of confidence I had. I spend way too much time kidding myself, pretending to be something I'm not.
It's made even harder when you've spent your life, your soul, every inch and ounce of your fibre making something of yourself, only to have someone turn around and say "actually, you're pretty crap and you'd be much better doing something else". I wonder if it hurt more because I didn't want to do anything else; music was what I wanted to do. I wanted to (and very often, did) work harder than everyone else, to prove myself, to show that I could be as good as them.
At this moment in time, it feels like the most amazing waste of 24 years of my life.
I set standards high. Sky high. Often, so high, it's near impossible for me to reach them myself. This is just because of sheer determination, to show that I could be as good as the next person. But it's been wasted. And still here I am, setting high standards I can never reach.
I want to do so much. I want to show people who I am and what I can do. I want to be as amazing as the next person. I want to have a gift, a talent, and shine like no one else. Or at least, be recognised for what I'm doing. That doesn't happen in music anymore. That's been destroyed.
Maybe it's photography? I don't know. I love a lot of the pictures I take, but there's always someone who wants to come along and crap on the parade. That frustrates me so much. I'm trying so damn hard and trying to learn so much. I've had help from a few select people in terms of photography, and I'm loathe to bother people too much because I know they have their own lives to lead, without having to take my crap on too.
I'm slowly (so slowly) building my website and getting lots of help with it, and to those that have helped me, I can't thank you enough. You've been amazing. But I would hate to think it had all been in vain. I wonder where this photography thing is going to go. If anywhere at all. People keep saying "Come and do my pictures! I'd love you to do some pics for me!" which is really flattering. But that annoying voice...that voice that's plagued me for so many years since I was ill the first time, always destroys me.
I think I'm getting too big for my boots. I'm convinced there are a billion people out there who, in the words of a Fugee's song, "smile in my face then they talk behind my back". I hate this paranoia, it's destroying me, and it's all too reminiscent of being ill before.
I want my identity back. A lot of people have been posting about this lately, and sadly, it feels like everyone can even say what I want to say, better than I can.
So why do I have this horrible need to constantly compare myself with everyone else? Why do I not appreciate any of the things I can do? Why do I not know who I am? Why can I not be who I want to be? Why can't I just get on and do what I want to do?
And my only answer is a really sad one, but the only one that makes sense: it's because I became a mom. Mom's are always comparing themselves. My kid did this, did your kid do that, I do this with mine, I'd never do that with mine...
The things I loved to do don't happen any more. I haven't picked up my cello since last November. I may possibly have another concert this year, if they ask me to play, and if I'm in a position to do so. I haven't picked up any other instruments LONG before that. I love to take pictures, but whilst I think some are great (especially the unedited ones), inside I'm destroying myself about how crap they really are. Same old trite, someone else already did it.
I don't know who I am because I've never been a mom before, and I don't know who I am as a mom; after 2 years I'm still struggling to embrace it, and often make myself sick with sadness with the fact that I can't accept Noah and Isaac belong to me. I can't be who I want to be because even if I did know, I suspect it would be impossible right now. Or maybe ever. Because it's probably another goal that I've set too high.
I'm so lost and I don't know how to find myself. And I'm too scared to find myself because I'm terrified it's all going to crumble like my music did. I can't ever go through that again. I really can't. I can't trust the support of anyone because I'm convinced it's all lies. I don't know how to get help and support; I don't know how to fix any of this.
I'd just like a piece of me back. But I'm not sure if she's all gone forever.