It's every where. Ev-er-y fricking where. Noah's face leaks constantly, and I swear, I'm too scared to touch half the burpees lying around because I know they're plastered in huge boogers and greenies and other disgustingly gross things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously very sad that he's poorly, especially as he doesn't sleep at night either because he spends most of his time coughing through it. That frustrates me so much I guess because I'm helpless; it's kinda difficult to teach your kid to cough out even more F.O.F. to help clear his throat, ya know?

The best comes when you try to wipe his face, which he obviously depises, and turns his face at the worst possible moment. This usual results in a nice streak of F.O.F. across a cheek, in his ear, and if he's particularly pissy, through his hair too.

There have been too many times when I've commented on the amount of food in Noah's hair, gone to pick it out and then realised, all too late, what it really is. Mmmmmm...did you request crusty or gloopy today ma'am?

So yes, he's still very sick, and letting us all know about it. His tantrums are crazy when he has them, and I guess because he's out of sorts, they seem to be coming thick and fast, quite often out of the blue. He's also become especially good at being incredibly defiant (NO idea where he gets that from) and then watching you to see what the hell you're gonna do about it.

Noah: (hey bitch, watch me steal a bauble from your tree, NYAH!)

Me: Noah, no touch.

N: (Yeah I hear ya, I see ya...oh hey look moms! Bauble! In mah hand! YEAH!)

Me: Noah, NO TOUCH.

N: (And looky! See how I got two baubles and now I'mma kick a third one off? Watch me now!)


N: (Hey, what? Ya say summat? ...might even pull this punk-ass tree over now...)

And so it goes on. I'm operating zero tolerance in the desperate hope that I do not have a child that grows up into an evil delinquent that leaves turds in the plant pots and steals anything from me on a regular basis (uh, I should add I'm watching Brat Camp at the minute...it's uh, reassuring?)

It's harder I think because I want to help him, to give him cuddles and say "all better, mommy loves you", and all he wants to do is punch his way off my lap and go find his dad/attack the tree/throw a fit/snot everywhere. It's kinda like he turned into a teenager when I wasn't looking, which I find quite scary given he's not even one yet (OMG he is ONE next WEEK people. NEXT. FREAKING. WEEK.)

I admit - I miss my baby, but I hope he sure as hell feels better soon. It's hard to so desperately want to help someone when there are so many misunderstandings in the way. I'm also running out of burpees and I'm worried we're going to drown in the gunk.
So for those of you who couldn't be bothered to read up, here is some of the Christmas holiday in pictures. Enjoy :o)

Christmas Eve with a cold and round one of gifts. Good start!

I'd like to point out the shiny face, courtesy of excess facial orifice fluid.

Skilled demonstration in opening someone else's presents.

This was the only time he sat still long enough for me to snap a pic of him with his whizzing car.

Christmas Day was highly amusing

And I swear this WAS stuffed with toys, but they kinda disappeared, making it look really lame. Well, he didn't even notice anyone. Dude doesn't even know.

Behold! The Mini Santa and all his Kid Attitude Cuteness!!!

Sometime even Santa likes a cuddle from his mum.

He refused to open this present without using his own specific methods.

We're quite sure there's reason, but for a long time, we'll probably never be sure what that reason was.

Besides, who the hell were we to argue with this kid???!
Boxing Day - DONE! Everyone present and accounted for.

I planned to do nothing today. I refused to cook. Mr Forman did bacon butties for me and D. I refused to run around after people. M+FIL cooked dinner of goose and a million different veg. In fact, for the day, my biggest effort came in opening the rest of the presents from the family (I can't believe we opened presents for three days in a row) and making sure Noah didn't destroy his cousin's Wii (hey, well, ya know, if you will get it out in front of him...)

It was a great day! Noah sat in a booster chair at the table throughout the whole meal and ate -uh, well, he just ate. And ate. And then I believe he ate some more. He started off with his crackers, then he had a portion of my parsnip soup, then some carrots, parsnip, tasted a sprout, 3 digestive biscuits, 2 smoothie pouches, chunks of apple, a fruit stick, mouthfuls of ice cream and his first taste of chocolate and alsoa chocolate biscuit!! Funnily enough, he licked all the chocolate off the biscuit.

All that was just for lunch. He managed to outlast both his older cousins at the table; it was a sight to behold. I think he was sat at the table, or at least non-stop eating from about 1:30 - 3pm. What I couldn't understand was how he was still able to eat his tea (slice of toast, crispy puffs, fruit stick and a jelly) that same evening, only 2 hours later. He found it amusing that he spent the evening passing gas and smirked every time he let go of a good one...man I love that kid!

We've all had some great gifts (which, if any readers sent any, I thank you very much indeed), all eaten tons of food (and still eating some - ham, egg and chips for tea today, freezer now full of pea and ham soup, duck still in fridge), watched some utterly crap tv and spent far too much time in front of a very large computer screen (yeah, uh, did I mention my iMac? Yeah got one for xmas ya know...).

Noah still exercises his tantrums, we've all been feeling quite shit with Cold & Flu v7.4, I'm fast approaching the Land of No Sleep and the house reeeeeeeeeeally needs a tidy up...but it's been a great couple of days.

I even spoke to Mr L yesterday to thank him for our gifts (car and football for Noah, bottle of rum for D, duvet for me. I'm sure I caught the short-ish straw, but hey it'll be good for when I finally give up the bed and go to the sofa). He was really pleased to hear from me which was nice, even if it did feel a little odd after so many years. I've promised I'd take Noah and D round to see him on Sunday, especially as we all seem to be making an effort. I feel strangely pleased with myself!

Noah's first Christmas, me and D's first Christmas as parents, first fully multiple family Christmas - DONE.
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Christmas Day - DONE. Boxing day to go.

Sweet Jesus have I ever been stressed? Did I ever seem stressed to you in any of my blog entries? Cos if I did, they sure as hell didn't compare to Christmas day. I think I spent most of the day in the kitchen, sticking my head around the door only occasionally to see if Noah was still enjoying his day.

Thankfully I still managed my menu, today's menu being Crab with Mango Salsa at about 1pm whilst his Mini Lordship ate pea and ham soup (you know that ham will live forever. Or at least until I find it green and mouldy at the back of the fridge). Then I somehow managed to cook a thousand different vegetables (some added as a last minute requests - not amused!) with the duck which was lovely but had approximately zilcho fat on it. That could have been interesting given I had planned to cook it for 3½ hours. Hmm, duck biscuits anyone? All that in time for dinner at about 5:30pm; what concerns me is that I was only cooking for D and myself! Going to be interesting should I get round to cooking mass family dinners...

But most importantly of course....was my BRAND SPANKING NEW iMAC!!

Oh no wait, there's something else -

Oh yes, Noah! Noah's first Christmas. We dressed him up in his Santa baby grow (cos he's nearly not a baby anymore and so we're allowed to do it so bite me all you folks who rolled your eyes. Here, have your eyes back) and demonstrated how to open one or two presents. He soon cottoned on how to open the rest, though for some reason he felt he couldn't open them without first climbing on top of the present. We are yet to understand this.

But still! He enjoyed everything so much, and again was almost gasping with excitement at some of the stuff he got, including a hammer and peg blocks, a composing piano thing, some brightly coloured things, some car things with wheels and stuff, and some er, stuff. You know, stuff for him to play with. He seemed to enjoy them!

D and I were quite surprised that he showed more interest in the toys than the boxes and paper, which was NOT what we were expecting to be quite honest. In fact, I think he became ridiculously over stimulated and what with a vile cold, two popping teeth and his lovely tamtrums, it all became a bit too much by early afternoon. But that's ok! He's a crazy kid who clearly doesn't know how to switch off yet; we ended up cuddling in front of My Friends Tigger & Pooh on tv and comfort burpee. Some things are just so cute.

Needless to say minutes later he was back to propelling himself around the room trying to decide which toy to play with next.

It was a great day, if a little manic, and it sucked being pregnant again and desperately trying to stay on my feet when all I wanted to do was sleep. Sure I knew it would be hard work, and I pray to lucifer and my George Forman grill that I won't be doing it again next year, but the day was lovely, and even though he hadn't a clue what was going on, it was great to see Noah enjoying his new toys.

Funnily enough we put a stocking in his cot with some toys in it for him to play with on Christmas morning. Poor kid was so tired (and oddly enough is so well behaved in the mornings) that he hadn't even touched it by the time we went in, so we did the "kids in parents bed on xmas morning" thing and helped him pull them out. He was so cute with it! Think he enjoyed shouting at his talking JCB dumper digger truck thing (I dunno, ask his dad, he's the engineer...)

As for my iMac, well of course it's delicious and lovely and delicious. There really isn't much else to say, apart from that. And it's awesome and huge. And did I say delicious? I've spent most evening on it downstairs before it goes in the study (where I may hibernate for the rest of my life). What's nice is that in a strange and unexpected way, it's given me some more ideas on what to do with myself in the future. Crazy, I know, but it's incentive.

Merry Christmas!
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Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 23+1 day
Month: 6
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 21 weeks
Heartbeat: 149 bpm
Time to Go: 119 days
Size: The Christmas Ham?

Christmas Eve - DONE. Christmas day and Boxing day to go.

Feeling very smug with myself after today. I reflected upon my Christmas Menu for today, and quietly shat my pants (which is actually a possibility now, thanks fibresure!) at extravagance of the menu, and the ham which was roughly the same size as Noah (can't decide between Noah 'then', or Noah 'now').

However, after realising that the ham was really not going to fit into the largest pot I own, even after trying to boil it for an hour, I gave up and cosied it in foil then shoved it in the oven. For 6 hours. To this very minute, I still don't know how much it weighed, and I didn't take any pictures of it, possibly because I was scared it would object.

But what matters, on this very special Christmas eve, is that I'm now down to half a ham, and should hopefully only be eating it until next summer, all being well. *

My mum came round and got drunk on Baileys; just awesome. She doesn't get loud and in your face, she doesn't get violent, she doesn't even just quietly go to sleep in a corner...no...she just gets...kinda stupid. She has this awesome ability to spout utter crap, it's just awesome. It's often worth getting her drunk just to sit back and watch.

Noah, though having his moments (hey, he's ill! And he's a kid. He's allowed), has been great today. He was beside himself with excitement after opening three of his presents already (for Nana's benefit of course); a whizzing whirring car from his Granddad (my side), a big bouncy ball from Mama and Dada and a musical foot steps piano (think of the film 'Big') from Nana. He could barely contain himself!

Plus he had a whole serving of my soup which he loved (and I know he did because he told me) and then devoured a load of peas and some ham for his tea. We've been having some major food hassles lately so it was a monster sigh of relief to see him eat with comparatively minimal fuss (and some crazy new expressions).

Didn't get to do the pears, D had to drive Mum home (and those are some seriously alcoholic pears...) so they're on hold...but I don't care. Even if tomorrow sucks, today has still been great. Bring on the next two days!

*All ham recipes/ideas/suggestions welcomed and appreciated. There's only so much pea and ham soup a person can eat I think...
Ok maybe a million other bloggers have probably already posted about this, but I just had to share, Because cringeworthy as it is, it's actually very true.

Only the baby should be pictured with razor blades for teeth.

(Shift+Click on the image for a larger version)

I would like to work for these people...
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It's Christmas eve tomorrow, Noah's Nana will be spending the day (open some presents), then it's Christmas day (Noah's first xmas and open some more presents) and then it's Boxing day round the Grandparents (open even more presents).

I get to dress Noah in his smart blue knitted jumper and jeans tomorrow, his Santa all-in-one on Xmas day and his smart stripey shirt, red jumper and brown cords on Friday. He's a dude.

This week I'm cooking:

Christmas Eve
Roasted Ham & Garden Vegetables
Port & Vanilla Pears

Christmas Day
Crab with Mango Salsa
Roast Duck & Seasonal Vegetables
Christmas Pudding

I have all presents bought and nearly all wrapped up (some can wait, I'll take my time...). All Christmas cards written and mailed.

One of the greatest things in the last three years (in relation to work) happened yesterday: my p45 arrived.

I'm free, skint, got a kid with a serious amount of snot, I can barely poop (up the fibresure dosage), house is a tip, second kid on the way, have some big choices to make...and yet I'm still kinda happy.

Not sure I'll see you before, so have a great Christmas!!!

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Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 22+6 days
Month: 6
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 21 weeks
Heartbeat: 151 bpm
Time to Go: 119 days
Size: Papaya. You know what? I think I'm going make up my own from now on. Let's say, big enough to kick my bladder and poke just below rib cage simultaneously. All idea contributions welcome.

Returned from a weekend away with D and Noah at the Elms Hotel. Now, I may have gotten minimal sleep as a result of Noah sharing our room and thus coughing and babbling both nights, and D snoring in the coughing and babbling gaps, but I have to say, if you have children and fancy a family stay in a VERY nice luxury hotel, I totally recommend this place.

I don't feel particularly rested (because I didn't sleep...did I mention this?) but I do feel surprisingly relaxed. I've never known ay hotel bend over backwards to look after babies and children!

D in all his loving wisdom booked me a Mama Mio Spa treatment, and then treated me to the same kit to use at home (The Smoothie Spa-at-Home Kit), as well as the Super Rich Body Cream and Tummy Rub Stretch Mark Butter. I think I may have found a new love. I love the products because they're designed specially for pregnant ladies and mamas; they smell and feel GREAT.

Much as I still love and use my trusty Lush products and Bio Oil, there's something about Mama Mio that makes me think, "Hmmm...yes, this is indeed, The Shit." Chances are someones going to tell me that the products are full of god knows what and my skin will fall off if I continue to use them, and I'll probably gain another 70lbs in additional, uh, skin. But I don't care, it's LUVERLY.

Moving on to my Button Pressing Fascination (seriously, if anyone knows of an official word for this, I would really like to know) I still haven't pressed The Button in my car, but I did try out another button, known as Cruise Control. Now that there is some creepy shit. What the hell is up with letting your car drive itself. Does no one else find that the craziest thing ever? Ok so I was only doing 50mph, on the motorway through some traffic restrictions, and very nearly shat myself when I took my foot off the accelerator and the car just carried on going (yes I KNOW cruise control supposed to do that) but seriously...you know..?!

Lastly, I'm finally embracing the hair.

Yap, it's short.

And I actually use clips in it.

But hey! I look strangely young, and given that 30 looms around the corner, I sure ain't complaining.
Why isn't it Friday yet?

Why don't I just nap when Noah does? (especially when it's for 2½ hours...)

Why do I have yet another cold?

Why is there no cure for the common cold?

Why is Noah in ultimate "I can behave like the Spawn of Satan" mode?

If he's teething, why can't the damn teeth just come through already?

Can I possibly publish this post without attaching a picture of him in all his cuteness?

Why is my SPD not so bad this time round?

Am I tempting fate asking that last question?

Do I think I'm having a girl or just secretly subconsciously wishing for one?

Will I be able to drink myself into oblivion Christmas 2009?

Exactly what size trousers should I be in?

Will I get round to writing the rest of the Christmas cards?

Will I get them mailed on time?

Could I be getting an iMac this year?

Is that some serious wishful thinking?

Will either DH or I pull our finger out anytime soon?

Am I within my rights to pull down the hateful "For Sale" sign outside our house?

Will I ever post a picture of my new hair do?

Will I ever look back at my previous job with a certain fondness?

Will I finally change career direction?

...will Noah eat the potato wedges and quiche that I'm so lovingly baking for him? (Ok the quiche is from Tesco's)

Will he in fact ever eat spoon food with lumps in it?

Should I care given he happily eats finger foods?

Hmmm....ok that's enough for now, answers on a postcard (or preferably in the comments).

Many thanks.

"Mom. Easy on the questions, yeh? Get over it."
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Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 21+6 days
Month: 6
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 20 weeks
Heartbeat: 137 bpm
Time to Go: 126 days
Size: Large banana. Or pehaps I agree with The Soapbox Diva. Somewhere between Ford Fiesta and Volkswagon.

A lot of things have been happening lately which are starting to make me realise how time is flying by, and how much I appreciate Noah. I'm not sure when it all started, but I do know it has something to do with Noah turning one in a few weeks time. 3 weeks and 1 day, roughly.

I'm not freaking out, quite the opposite, I'm looking forward to it. D and I still often wonder where the hell our little newborn baby went, or even, did we have a little newborn baby in the first place given he never really was one.

We've already bought his birthday presents, and he is obviously oblivious to everything going on. But things that have happened lately seem to have gotten me thinking. My mother is determined to buy him a potty for Christmas. Why? Uh...I haven't a clue. This of course is the kid who isn't really 1 yr yet, or has any concept of some of the frightening things that go on in his nappy. But it's something we have to think about in the (probably not to distant) future.

D and I have been looking at nurseries and schools. One school which we're both seriously keen on takes kiddies from the age of 2 into their nursery, so he would stand a better chance getting into the actual (private) school. It's glorious. And they have an open day. In January. He's not even 1 and we're having to think about open days, sweet Jesus. But I'm strangely excited about it.

Noah went to his cousin's birthday party on Friday in a big play centre, and of course didn't have a clue what was going on, but thoroughly enjoyed playing in the soft play area for under 5's. You know, an area that has a tiny ball pool, padded blocks and tiny tunnel for babies up to about 2½, and then huge slides and climbing frames and padded dangling boulder things for 3 - 5's to throw themselves into. Now I'm quite sure you can guess the area that Noah played in. To the point where he cried when I tried to take him to the more, er, "appropriate" area. He was NOT interested. So huge slides, climbing frames and padded dangling boulder things it was to be. It was so much fun!

Saturday he went for his last swimming lesson for the year, and seems to learn most things first time round. He still hates being on his back, but he can now swim short distances underwater unaided, hold on to the side unsupported, kick on command, tries to blow bubbles and is completely unphased with repeated underwater "dunkings". He has a huge grin on his face every time I splash him into the pool and he tries to hold on to the side on command. He's not neccessarily advanced, but he's learnt an incredible amount in his very short lifetime.

Yesterday I took him round to mum's church so say hi, and thought about how his birth was announced at the In-Laws church (where he was said to have weighed 15lbs 10oz. I think not somehow.) And then realised that was nearly a year ago. And also the fact that he's grown so very much since then.

Shortly after we whisked our way over to a friends party with all the NCT parents and babies. It was loads of fun, but I couldn't help but compare Noah to the other babies. Sure it's great that he walks so easily and has done for a while. I was fully aware that he was always in our line of sight, but for me it wasn't to make sure that he was ok; no, no. It was to make sure he wasn't pulling the host's house apart. Or purposely clocking another kid on the head with a large toy he had chosen to carry. Or indeed, trying to steal food off someone's plate. Or throw a cup of tea across the room. Or whatever.

He's so mischievous, it's the sort of behaviour I would associate with a 2 year old, maybe 3. Or maybe I'm just being left behind. I know there are people who could be reading this and saying exactly the same things about their kids at this age, but when the hell did it creep up on me like this? D and I marvel at everything he does, every single day. Like yesterday when I took his socks off outside his room, and he spent the next 5 minutes feeling the difference in the landing amd nursery carpets with his feet.

I hate pushing him to do things that mean growing up faster, I much prefer to marvel at everything he already does. So many parents push for their kids to crawl, walk, talk etc, and exclaim how happy I must have been to have Noah walk so early. Sure I was happy, but also it was another blow because my baby was disappearing so quickly. He's a toddler now. Yesterday, I saw many babies, or near toddlers, but to me, Noah seemed to stand out as nothing but a toddler. Running around and shouting at people, crying when he didn't get his own way and usually unphased whenever he fell over. Hell, I've never been phased when he fell over. It always makes me smile when people go to grab him thinking he's about to fall over, when all he's doing is just trying to run and play.

I'm excited that he's just started signing (drink, all done, full up, milk, eat and thanks to Little Einsteins, Blast Off!). It was so lovely listening to the other mums talking about what their babies were all doing, but felt like it was all expected of Noah already...though I'm not sure why. I obviously get very excited about his achievements and I try not to brag about them. Sometimes I can't face the slight disappointment I feel when I sense the "Yeah, and? It's Noah. What were you expecting?".

I wasn't expecting anything. Just for my kid to be as awesome as he always is, no matter what he does!
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 21+1 day
Month: 5
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 19 weeks
Heartbeat: 136 bpm
Time to Go: 129 days
Size: Banana, which really means, small car.

I did it. The hair....the extensions...the braids...have gone. I have these crazy, twisty little...micro braid things. I look...10. It's very unnerving.

I haven't done anything drastic with my hair for a VERY long time, and I'm wondering how long I actually stick this out for. I'd take a pic...but I'm not sure about that yet. Stupid, yeh I know...I've already been out today...but hey, it's a big step introducing yourself to the rest of the world with what feels like an almost bald head!!

Ok not really bald, I guess I can brag that I've been flicking it out of my eyes all afternoon, and that it does come down to the bottom of my ears. But I've gone from ass-length fake to ear-length real! Maybe that's why I'm not beside myself with despair; because it's a LOT longer than I thought it would be, which I'm VERY pleased about.

Ok, now to decide what to do with a lot of fake hair sitting in a box.

Uh, there's something I never thought I'd say in a hurry...

ETA: I still haven't pushed the button. Why? Well, uh, can you believe I forgot about it today???
Let's ditch the pregnancy hormones, ok? I am so over feeling like some kind of emotional wreck, swinging back and forth from 'Happy as Larry', to 'Back Off Bitch Before I Rip Your Face Clean Off With My Teeth and Feed You to My Inner Gremlins'.

I apologise to anyone who may have felt the slightly rough side of my mood swings. Cut me a bit of slack and help me out a bit, pretty please?
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Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 21+0 days
Month: 5
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 19 weeks
Heartbeat: 140 bpm
Time to Go: 131 days
Size: Banana. I swear I am so confuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuused.

Yeah see, I don't really know what to write about. I could gloat about how this is the first time I've ever completed all my xmas shopping BEFORE xmas. And did the majority of it without even facing the general public (thank you so very much google and amazon, you have both saved my life).

Or I could comment on how I've actually managed to START my xmas cards, and have point blank refused to do D's xmas cards this year.

Or maybe we could discuss how I am FINALLY going to remove the braids/extensions from my hair (after some...15 years?) and possibly grow it out in locs or something similar, ideally starting BEFORE xmas. That could be interesting.

Or we could talk about good old Poopgate. Yes, yes, I'm back on the Fibresure (and I gotta say, K your reply to my last blog made me nearly wet myself with laughter. Still exercising bladder control here, ok??!) I gotta say I think it's great how it's become such a source of amusement, even to D the other night while discussing dinner.

J: I want those processed tinned peas MMMMMMMM

D: We don't have any of those peas in the cupboard, I checked

J: (goes to cupboard, instantly finds a tin of processed peas)

D: I swear that wasn't there a second ago! You must've put it there. Where did you get it from?

J: I pulled it out of my ass.

D: Given the way your ass is, that'd be a fine trick.

J: ...thanks...

So I'm on 2 Fibresure a day, and Noah is bored of trailing me to the bathroom everytime I need to go. Poor kid...I bet he wonders why the hell he gets to spend so much time running around on the landing between the bathroom and his nursery, and throwing his toys into an empty bath.

OR maybe we could talk about how the hell I got to 21 weeks and didn't even see it coming. Like, all of a sudden, Suprise!! Ta daaa!! You're over halfway! And did you know you'll have your baby in about 4 months? Yes! After the new year, you will have approximately no time because you'll be running around like a crazy woman trying to organize the lives of you, Noah and D and then before you know it, you'll have a baby. Yes! Baby!!


We could discuss the fact that I'm borderline obsessing about the button in my car marked VSA which apparently doesn't do very much but I still haven't pressed it but would reeeeeeeeally like to and how I can't find a technical term for someone who has an obsession for pushing buttons.
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 20+4 days
Month: 5
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 19 weeks
Heartbeat: 139 bpm
Time to Go: 135 days
Size: Canteloupe. You're shittin' me, right?



IT'S A...



Nope, sorry peeps, didn't find out the gender. But we did find out it looks quite like Skeletor.

And it's going to be a ballet dancer. Or maybe a boxer.

Either way it's cute with a round head and squishy cheeks already and a spine and stuff.

There were no clues whatsover regarding gender, and we didn't ask either. We couldn't believe how much it was moving around though; we actually watched it flip over so it's back was upwards, legs and arms all over the place. Mme Sonographer looked, um, bemused when she measured the head. Then commenced a conversation which sounded familiar to us:

Mme Sonographer: Uh...I'm just going to measure the head again.

Me: Yep, that's fine.

D: Yeah I think we're used to that.

Mme S: So you're not surprised if it's meauring big?

Me: Nope. Noah was pretty much 11lbs when he was born.

Mme S: ...excuse me??

So on my charts T.O.O. is measuring nearly 1½ weeks early. Oh and hey! Guys!! Remember all you folks from last time when I said "yeah yeah, it's measuring WEEKS ahead, and I think it's gonna be huge" and you were all, like "Oh ya, they say that to everyone" and I was like, "No but seriously, this thing is HUGE!" and you were all like "ya...whatever, get over it now" and then I gave birth to a GIANT and you were all, kinda like, "Uh, wtf?".

And I was like "BITCHES!"

So yeah uh, maybe this time we'll JUST WAIT AND SEE huh? I had an appointment with the consultant registrar yesterday and we discussed Pushing the Button. Needless to say, she made the world's biggest issue about Shoulder Dystocia, which I fully understood and appreciated. I was kinda sad at the same time, because I felt a bit like I was being goaded into going to hospital, and she seemed to miss the point that actually, everything could go ok.

BUT, of course I understand why she was doing it. She has to cover her own back, I have to be sensible and realistic, and (quote) she doesn't want me to blame them if it all went wrong. That I can understand.

I guess the biggest things for me are the facts that:

  • I've done it once, I can do it again.
  • I will freak the fuck out if I have to give birth in hospital.
  • 2nd babies aren't always bigger.
  • Shoulder Dystocia occurs in about 1% of births.
I'm stubborn, I'm fully aware of that. However, I also know how I function, and what the hell scares me, and what the hell doesn't. Lady Registrar could clearly see that I was trying to make sensible decisions, and that I wouldn't try to be a hero if things started to go wrong. In agreement, however, we'll be having growth scans at 28 and 30 weeks.

Sure I don't want a Caesarian, but I'm not about to endanger my life or more importantly T.O.O.'s life for the sake of a home birth. But surely it's not quite fair to predict doom and gloom on any birth when let's face it; every single birth in the world is filled with a certain number of risks.

There's an irony to be had here. With Noah, I regularly told health professionals that it was going to be huge. No one listened. No one batted an eyelid. In fact they told me not to be silly. Now I'm still all laid back and just want to get on with it, no panic in my eyes, cool and confident. And they're all shitting themselves.

Does that even begin to make sense to you?