Week: 40+1 day
Month: 10
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 38 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Yup
Size: I guess 72 inches
Time to go: uh, yesterday
Full Term: Ages ago

I have no child. Externally.

I also have no poop. Externally.

However, I do have indigestion. And constipation.

And yesterday was a riot. MW#2 had previously booked me an appointment to come see me yesterday morning. She didn't turn up, and eventually yesterday evening another MW called to say that it was actually her day off. And did I go into clinic? Because if I did then sorry about that because there was no one there.

W...TF?

So we're thinking maybe private MW with Baby #2 (should I ever get Baby #1 out first).

And since I can do tmi without giving a hoot, I've spent the last three days trying to poop. Having had 3 glasses of prune juice, half a bag of prunes, 3 glasses of apple juice, handfuls of (dry) All-Bran and a bowl of scrambled egg and beans.

I'm actually quite impressed with myself, I could possibly be holding a world record here for the longest time to go without pooping.

I'm also impressed with the number of people who STILL keep harassing me. At the moment I think I've decided to stop responding to texts etc, because people? Just leave me the fuck alone and stop asking stupid questions. And stop asking seemingly nice questions as a round-about way to get to ask your stupid questions.

I think maybe if I was, like, 608 weeks pregnant then I could understand people asking if I've "dropped yet". (Hah hah! You're so funny! Have I "dropped" yet!! Oh hah hah! Stupid whores.) But people? I ONLY JUST GOT TO 40 WEEKS. And in case you didn't know, FIRST BABIES OFTEN GO TO 42 WEEKS, YOU BUNCH OF STUPID WHORES. Go learn something.

I wonder if I should go walk round Sainsburys...it's been a week...

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 16+5 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 15 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 14o bpm
Size: 11 - 12 cm
Time to Go: 162 days

Oh my god I want a Petunia Pickle Bottom Diaper Bag. Please. Please. Please. I almost don't even care which one. Any one will do. Please. Any. Please.

So the ball has started rolling and I'm getting more healthcare at home. A counsellor came round yesterday and she was sooooooooo helpful. I'm impressed at how fast they get things going. I'm wondering whether to go to IE for extreme help if there isn't any progress.

Anyway, enough of the dull stuff.

Mocha is kicking daily, though I still don't know what actually makes her kick; still, it helps to know she's still alive. I find it amusing that I seem to be hitting the uncomfortable stage, despite only being 16 weeks. Hehe that's really funny (I seem to actually be a pansy).

And before I forget (or go) I thought I'd post this from FF - it's kinda funny.

You know you're pregnant when...

You're filling in a form for something, preggo brain kicks in and you can't remember your date of birth/address/age/name

People suddenly take a slightly creepy interest in your stomach area

Your doc says 'Please lift your top so I can feel/listen' and you realise you're gonna have to do it without batting an eyelid

A corned beef, egg mayo, pickle and cheese sandwich sounds GREAT

You either have a passionate craving for a specific food or you don't have any interest in eating at all.

You take a plate and silverware out to eat lunch. Place them on the counter and while waiting for your lunch to cook, start washing the dishes in the sink. when your lunch is ready you wonder where your plate and silverware went. Then you realize you washed them along with the dirty dishes

You pay the lady at the drive-through, take your change, and then drive off without your food.

You have an emergency stash of antacids in every room of the house, plus your car and your desk at work--and these all need to be replaced frequently.

You're gasping for the loo, feel like you haven't been for DAYS even though you went 20 minutes ago; you finally pee, and produce just enough to fill half an eggcup.

You get excited about the discovery of a new way to mix fruit juice and club soda to produce a "cocktail." And you put it in a fancy glass with garnish to bolster the illusion.

You are ROASTING and sweating, thinking you are going to DIE from the heat, and everyone around you is cold.

One minute you want to rip your DH's clothes off and dtd but the next minute you want to shoot him for leaving his dirty dishes in the sink/dirty socks on the floor/dirty anything anywhere near you

Just watching movie previews about love stories, romantic comedies, dramas etc makes you cry - and the movie hasn't even started yet

You step out of the shower, grab your softest, fluffiest towel and STILL feel like your nipples are going to fall off.


Oh, and just in case you weren't sure about Petunia Pickle Bottom, here is a link to some of the Funkiest. Bags. Ever.

Please.

Well it's been...an interesting week I guess. Can't really remember much of it, apart from sleeping, trying not to barf, trying to psyche myself up to practice my cello (which I still haven't done), obsessing over baby stuff and trying to decide what the hell to write in my blog. But here's something lovely:

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 12+1 day
Month: 3
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 10 weeks
Fetus Heartbeat: 158 bpm
Time To Go: 194 days

Yeppers, new due date (because Mocha is a whale already) so let's say hello second trimester!! Can you say 'still feeling shit'? I'm still narked over the whlle DPA thing (cos you know, dog with a bone...) and had some fabulous news from the doc yesterday.

Doc the 2nd: I'm not happy about you carrying around your cello and bass, especially with your sciatica. And what are you going to do about September?

Me: Um...

Doc the 2nd: Do you have any numbness? Where does it hurt at the moment?

Me: Um, well not numbness, just pins and needles...

Doc the 2nd: Ok I think I'm going to refer you to physio, they should be in touch with you soon.

etc etc... And a marvellous phone call from my midwife 2 days earlier.

Midwife: Hi, we have your blood results through, and everything is fine apart from that you have sickle cell trait..

Me: WHAT?

Midwife: Uh, I'm guessing you didn't know that.

So now they're going to stab DH for blood too. Add to this the possibility of antenatal depression, postnatal depression, more blood tests and my head exploding, things are just marvellous. Oh and just in case I hadn't learnt to just ignore the phone when it rings, just had CJ on -

CJ: So, when are you coming back?

Me: Don't know, Doc the 2nd has said I might not even be allowed to play anymore.

CJ: Don't wanna ask but just wondering how come you're still gigging...

Me: Well, it's because I beg lifts from DH or risk driving and crashing my car again and because I'll lose my fucking marbles stuck in this house doing shit all and because I can only play an hour at a time anyway before I either fall asleep or supress the urge to scream in agony over my frigging leg/ass/back.

I didn't actually say those words, but perhaps used the less explicit version. You know what though? I want to go back. I think about The Situation everyday. After this Mocha is born, I would love to go back to a couple of days a week. But I truly believe they want me out the door. Which sucks donkey bollocks. I wanted to be pleased someone had called me. But that paranoia still says 'yeh it's all a load of shit, babes'.

I am, however, starting to seriously wonder if this sciatica will ever ease up, or will it just get so bad that I can't even play anymore. That scares me a whole lot. I'm still outrageously tired, yet my sleep at night...well...ha. Mocha might not be kicking me yet, but my bladder sure likes to let me know of it's presence.

And the good news for this post? Um....

Oh yeh!! If you poke my belly hard enough you can feel a uterus in there. I'm growing a small but very firm watermelon.

Or at least, maybe it would make people feel better if I behaved that way. I understand the world does not revolve around me. I understand there are other people in the world, who also have great news. I also, fully understand, that there are people who have crap news too, and can't always share in the good stuff. But why. WHY. Do people insist on crapping. on. my. parade.

Bonehill's pregnant. And chose yesterday, right as I walked through the door, to tell me. Then in the evening, a text from Ayn saying she was pissed at everyone's focus and concentration. And then today, another text saying please be sensitive around Anthony because he wants kids, and curb your enthusiasm and blah blah shit bollock smells.

But you know what? Apart from the fact that most people these days can go and get bent, I shall continue to enjoy this damned freaking pregnancy as much as I can because you know what? I heard Mocha moving around on the doppler this morning, and you know what? The only people to know about it may be me, DH and The Internet because you know what? Sometimes the only people you can count on are the ones who genuinely want to be happy for you. Or can be bothered to read.

I wonder if I should put timelines at the start of every entry.

I'm really sad about DPA now. It's sad but I feel forgotten already. IC still hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He doesn't give a rats ass). CJ also hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He's hoping I'll quit). There's kind of that feeling of 'ok, now she's almost out the door, how fast can we phase her out entirely???' which of course annoys the crap outta me especially when I actually still made an effort from home. And it's a reeeeeeeeally sad state of affairs when your students update you on what's going on.

There's gotta be more happier news in this somewhere...lemmie think...oh yeh...ummm.....

I'll be back later.

OOOOOHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY FREAAAAAAKING GOOOOOOOOD. People annoy the shit outta me, I swear.

Me: Heya Nick! Guess what!! Guess who's pregnant!

Nick: You never are, are ya? That's great!

Me: Thanks!!!

Nick: Yeah I had a vasectomy yesterday...

(here follows 5 minutes of graphic details...)

Cos, um, like, what the fuck? And I'm supposed to care? And did you not hear what I just said?? GOD DAMMIT??

Oh wait, hold on -

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+5 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 8 weeks

Time To Go:
Due Date: 211 days
2nd Trimester: 15 days
UltraScan: 12 hours (YEEEEAAAH baby)

And my other grief is people who just won't leave me the fuck alone because I'm not ready to tell you yet because it's MY NEWS AND I KNOW THE WORLD WILL KNOW BEFORE I'VE EVEN. FINISHED. TELLING. YOU. None of your damn business, tell you when I'm damn near good and ready. Though you've probably told everyone anyway. Damnit.

As I lay in bed last night, at 2am, listening to DH snore downstairs on the sofa and feeling resentful that I couldn't sleep because those snores haunt me in a sleeping and waking life, I wondered what would happen if I put a pillow over DH's head. Then I laughed about it and told him this morning. He laughed too. All be it nervously. I thought it was funny.

So, Cornwall tomorrow, and lord it's long overdue. I'm so looking forward to seeing Phil and spending an obscene amount of time on the beach, not thinking about the suckage that is work. Cos I sill haven't heard from them and so of course they still suck. But not people at my level of course though (yes, us scrutters who deserve nothing). Well, I heard from J-Po and he's still lovely as ever. But he's the only one that knows (I hope). Haven't heard from anyone else though. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Oddly enough, I'm slightly bitter about it. But that's because I'm thinking they just dont care, when I'm not even sure that I want them to. Or maybe they're not supposed to contact me or something. Or maybe the ice-cream I just ate made me feel sick and now all I want is my salt and vinegar (chipsticks? Yes please).

Anyway, Cornwall. Oh yeh. I packed a bikini. Cos I'm obviously gonna wear it on the beach, sporting my obscene bloatedness.

Scene - On the beach
DH: Hey babe you look great in that bikini.

Me: yeh, don't feel great, but thanks. My boobs totally make the top look fucking ace.

Local/swimmer: OH MY GOD, THERE'S A WHALE ON THE BEACH!! HOLY SHIT SOMEONE CALL THE COASTGUARD!!!!

DH: ...

Me: I'll be right back.

Still only gained a pound though, and gone up two cupsizes (now in E cup) so shove THAT up yer skinny ass crotches.

Oh yeh and U/S too. That still hasn't actually sunk in yet, so at the moment I'm still fretting about whether I'll have enough piss in my bladder for them to prod at and make it totally worth our while. We (only just) heard the heartbeat today. Mostly because I've been pissing every thirty minutes as a result of..well, the freaking obvious. I'm not even convinced that seeing a pic will bring it home. And I'm guessing all I'll see is a little fuzzy blob (baby). With a big gaping blob (bladder). And maybe some squiggly blobs (umbilical cord, limbs).

But I am happy. Really.