Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 37+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 36 weeks
Time to Go: 19 days
Size: Smaller than your mother.


You all knew it was coming. You all said "at the end of the day, blah blah blah, healthy mom healthy baby, yaddah yaddah". You all sat there thinking how nuts I must be trying to deliver another big baby at home. I'll even bet some of you wondered what point I was trying to make, or what was I trying to prove.

Maybe I'm just very paranoid (which is very true).

But as of today, I have given up. Scan yesterday, showed baby measuring about 9lbs in weight, with potential to gain a pound a week, but could go 20% either way. Fluid levels down from 11 point something to 9.4cm, so they're dropping and things starting to look good.

So whaddup?

They're all too scared. They actually threw a million scare stories at me during today's appointment. Mr Consultant actually said if I decided to stay at home, then he would pretty much not be involved in the delivery, and would not advocate me staying at home. Yes a MW would be in attendance if I called in, they would have to be, they have no choice (by law). But "if something were to go wrong, I would take full responsibility and no body else could be to blame".

"But of course, Mrs M, the decision at the end of the day is yours!"

I had no point to prove. I had no point to make. I just wanted to deliver my baby in an environment that I knew I would be happy in, that I would be comfortable with. Without fear of what would the medical profession would try to do if they got too close.

I am SO fully aware of all the dangers. I am also fully aware of the dangers that could happen with ANY. OTHER. BIRTH. He even said himself that shoulder dystocia can happen in a birth with a "normal" size baby. But once again, they're just pointing out as many of the factors as possible, including the fact that my fluid levels are still too high. So what would be REALLY great is if people can just be in agreement with what the hell is normal and what isn't. I can't cope being told one week that 11cm is acceptable and shouldn't be concerned until we got to 24cm. And then the following week, well actually 9.4cm is still too high, and even though the level has dropped, that's still not good enough.

So you know what? They win. This is a fight I can't keep up anymore. I'm frustrated, I'm tired. If I go into labour I'll go in to hospital. I don't want to, but after all they've freaked me out with, how the hell am I supposed to happily and comfortably give birth at home?? Christ, today when I went for my appointment, ALL the staff knew who I was and why I was there. Now I'm thinking that can't always be a good thing.

So I give up. I'm gutted. Actually, I'm more pissed off than I am upset. Pissed off because I didn't want it to be this way. I didn't want this birth to be so tainted. Maybe I should have just given up the fight earlier, but how can I do that when I'm told so many different things every time I walk in there?

They want to do another liqor scan at 39wks, do an internal and if nothing's happening, they want to induce. Pah. I think they may have to catch me first. I can only thank god that he refuses to do C/S, and has no intention of inducing unless absolutely necessary. I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for that. But that comes on the back of no home birth, and I can't even have a water birth in hospital because of the fluid crap thing. I'm starting to feel like everything is being taken away ("the decision is yours Mrs M...") and that quite simply, I'm just not going to enjoy this birth at all. I know I can't have everything. But even the few things I wanted have now gone.

I'm really fucked off. Like, they can't even give me straight answers, they can't prove anything, they don't know anything for sure and they've made me feel like crap in the process.

So that's that. I pretty much hope I go into labour before 39 weeks because I cannot, just CAN NOT face induction. And yes I KNOW that people have been induced and it's gone great. Good for you. But that's not what I want. I also understand that babies need to cook for as long as necessary. I can assure you I know that too. Remember my own mother is a Midwife. So is D's mother. But understand that I do not want medical intervention.

I don't like the way this has turned out. But I know at this point now, there's not a fat lot I can do. That's fair enough. I understand I need to go in. I understand I pretty much have no choice. My hands feel like they've been tied somehow...but you know what? I'll deliver this baby, and I don't care what anyone says, it's going to have to take one SERIOUS frigging situation before they have to intervene. There will be no C/S. There will be no medical intervention.

Any intervention will be my own doing. And it'll probably be in the form of large quantities of pineapples and fair amount of power walking. Possibly with the odd curry thrown in. Now if you'll excuse me, these Braxton Hicks are driving me batshit and I have a Poopgate appointment with the bathroom.

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 36+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 35 weeks
Time to Go: 25 days. Heh.
Size: Big enough to make regular people crap themselves.
Time til ANOTHER Growth Scan: 6 days

Ok, so I understand there are a few questions and situations that remain unanswered. And so, here are the results.

House viewings: Not interested at this stage. I didn't understand when the feedback was that the property was just too small. Which begs the question, why, having read the details on the web/brochure, did you come and view it, and also go round commenting on how huge the rooms were? Or...maybe you're a member of the Dumbass League? Awesome.

Noah: He doesn't have an ear infection (even though he's constantly rubbing his ears and wincing), and therefore one of the few explanations for his fantastic behaviour lately is indeed puberty. Or the fact that he somehow knows something is really up in this house (like the colossal fact that he's about to have a brother or sister).

And on that note, we've decided it's a boy. Not because of any scans. Not because of gut feeling. Not even because we straight out asked the Doc to tell us. Nope, it's because tonight, in the bath, Noah took it upon himself to say "brother". Always on cue, whenever prompted. Do you think he would say "sister"? Helllll nope. Wouldn't even make a sound. But every time, "brother" came out, crystal clear. Hell, I can't even get the kid to say mama or dada, and the closest we get to any word at the mo is "oof oof" (which of course, is a dog barking. Plenty in terms of sign language though, so we're sill happy).

TV Fantasies: I do have a thing for Nigel Barker and Gordon Ramsay. I have no idea why.*

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 35+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Time to Go: 32 days, though at this rate, who the hell knows?
Size: King/Queen
Time til NEXT Growth Scan: 7 days

Soooo....after all of that, it seems I've got other things to worry about. Thank you so much to all those who replied, and especially those who gave me a cyber kick up the arse. On reflection, yes I know it's hormones, and I'm stupidly tired and ha ha! Of course Noah doesn't hate me! (Not yet, anyway, give it about 14 years maybe) And this blog tends to receive the brunt of my whining (ya'll some very strong/supportive/intriguing people to carry on reading...that means a whole lot). But there are just some days, which we all have, when I just feel completely incompetent. And whilst it sucks, I think I just need to find some way to embrace that.

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 27+0 days
Month: 7
Trimester: 3 (what the freaking fuckity fuck?)
Fetus Age: 25 weeks
Heartbeat: Dunno, useless MW# 9,022 didn't tell me
Time to Go: 90 days
Size: Dot
Time til 4D Scan: 12 days

You know all about this button that I'm going to push, right? Nooo not that button, which I still haven't pushed by the way, I mean THIS button.

Well it seems there are people who don't understand my desire to push the frigging button, and therefore push my buttons, which, well, just makes me want to bitch slap them.

Allow me to explain, because that barely even made sense to me.

Midwife appt today, and MW#2, or possibly 17 (lost count, it was the one who dealt with me when preg with Noah) was there along with a trainee. I have no major issues with MW#2, apart from that every so often she may say little things that niggle me a bit. Today she niggled me a LOT.

Trainee MW#n: You want another home birth, yeah?

Me: Ideally; Noah's birth went so well and hospitals freak me out a bit so...

MW#2: Ah but you still had to go into hospital after all of that didn't you? Ha ha!!

Which meant I then had to explain the tearing situation to Trainee while MW#2 (to me) looked quite smug. Hmm, thanks bitch, that's just what I need. MW#3 wanted the job done properly. The end. Get over yourself, biatch.

It's not the first time she's said that, so I'm kinda used to it (though I shouldn't have to be) so I let it go. Unfortunately she seemed to be on a roll today.

Trainee MW#n: Noah was a big baby, yeah?

Me: Yup!! Just shy of 11lbs.

TMW: And you had him at home?

Me: Yup!! (whilst climbing on to bed to be checked) Waterbirth and it was brilliant, would like to do it again.

T: Great!

MW#2: Yeah there's NO WAY she'd have given birth at home without the pool, it would definitely have been shoulder dystocia, it just wouldn't have been successful.

...wtf? Bitch, what the hell did you just say? With me in the room? Are you ragging me up for real?? I appreciate Noah was big, potential problems, yaddah yaddah, but what the fuck? Where the hell is the support that I deserve? Do you have any idea what the hell you're saying? And do you have a fucking clue that saying shit like that, with me IN THE ROOM, is a sure fire way to make me want to have a home birth even more???!

Freaking stupid whore.

She pissed me off immensely with her attitude and extremely unsupportive self, and I would be less bothered had she made the comment to me directly with no one else in the room. But no, this is the attitude she chooses to spread amongst TRAINEES, fer fucks sake. I'm mostly pissed off with her lack of support. Yes I KNOW there are dangers (as with EVERY frigging labour). Yes I KNOW it could be another big one (even though nobody really knows idea what size it will be). Yes I KNOW I'll have to go in if something goes wrong (what do you take me for? A brainless gibbering dumbass without a clue?) At the end of the day, bitch, I did it, didn't I? And there were no serious complications? In fact, bitch, were you even there??

I twittered about it and had a great response about what to do:

cosmicgirlie: Midwife totally has me wound up today. Thinking about bitch slapping her, but that would be bad. Right?

kirstymorrisuk: depends if you film yourself doing it, then post it to YouTube whilst laughing your tits off. That would then be bad :D

cg: ...is it wrong that I like that idea? (or at the very least, it really made me laugh?)

kmuk: What can I say - I am a Muse to Disorder, Chaos and General Mischief. Miss Loki to the man on the street. Go on, do it... ;)

cg: You have NO IDEA how tempting it is. I might even add roaring flames as a background or something.

kmuk: I can see it now YOU: Mwahahaha, I'll teach u how to breath properly (*slapping midwife hard across the face*) MIDWIFE: Ouch.

cg: Damn...I'm gonna have to make this into some kind of screen play...

kmuk: Working Title "Attack of the Bitchwives" :D

And then I spoke to my mother (also a midwife) who advised that I ask to speak to a Supervisor Midwife about the situation, and request her at the birth. It's a tough call but the tiny sensible part says I should do that.

But let it be known, that if I have no joy, then screenplay it is. To be performed in the next month or so.

Due Date: 04/21/2009

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 20+4 days
Month: 5
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 19 weeks
Heartbeat: 139 bpm
Time to Go: 135 days
Size: Canteloupe. You're shittin' me, right?

SCAN SCAN SCAN !!!!!!!!

OMG Scan THURSDAY!!!! I'M STILL IN AWE!!!!

IT'S A...


...









BABEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope, sorry peeps, didn't find out the gender. But we did find out it looks quite like Skeletor.




And it's going to be a ballet dancer. Or maybe a boxer.




Either way it's cute with a round head and squishy cheeks already and a spine and stuff.






There were no clues whatsover regarding gender, and we didn't ask either. We couldn't believe how much it was moving around though; we actually watched it flip over so it's back was upwards, legs and arms all over the place. Mme Sonographer looked, um, bemused when she measured the head. Then commenced a conversation which sounded familiar to us:

Mme Sonographer: Uh...I'm just going to measure the head again.

Me: Yep, that's fine.

D: Yeah I think we're used to that.

Mme S: So you're not surprised if it's meauring big?

Me: Nope. Noah was pretty much 11lbs when he was born.

Mme S: ...excuse me??

So on my charts T.O.O. is measuring nearly 1½ weeks early. Oh and hey! Guys!! Remember all you folks from last time when I said "yeah yeah, it's measuring WEEKS ahead, and I think it's gonna be huge" and you were all, like "Oh ya, they say that to everyone" and I was like, "No but seriously, this thing is HUGE!" and you were all like "ya...whatever, get over it now" and then I gave birth to a GIANT and you were all, kinda like, "Uh, wtf?".

And I was like "BITCHES!"

So yeah uh, maybe this time we'll JUST WAIT AND SEE huh? I had an appointment with the consultant registrar yesterday and we discussed Pushing the Button. Needless to say, she made the world's biggest issue about Shoulder Dystocia, which I fully understood and appreciated. I was kinda sad at the same time, because I felt a bit like I was being goaded into going to hospital, and she seemed to miss the point that actually, everything could go ok.

BUT, of course I understand why she was doing it. She has to cover her own back, I have to be sensible and realistic, and (quote) she doesn't want me to blame them if it all went wrong. That I can understand.

I guess the biggest things for me are the facts that:

• I've done it once, I can do it again.
• I will freak the fuck out if I have to give birth in hospital.
• 2nd babies aren't always bigger.
• Shoulder Dystocia occurs in about 1% of births.

I'm stubborn, I'm fully aware of that. However, I also know how I function, and what the hell scares me, and what the hell doesn't. Lady Registrar could clearly see that I was trying to make sensible decisions, and that I wouldn't try to be a hero if things started to go wrong. In agreement, however, we'll be having growth scans at 28 and 30 weeks.

Sure I don't want a Caesarian, but I'm not about to endanger my life or more importantly T.O.O.'s life for the sake of a home birth. But surely it's not quite fair to predict doom and gloom on any birth when let's face it; every single birth in the world is filled with a certain number of risks.

There's an irony to be had here. With Noah, I regularly told health professionals that it was going to be huge. No one listened. No one batted an eyelid. In fact they told me not to be silly. Now I'm still all laid back and just want to get on with it, no panic in my eyes, cool and confident. And they're all shitting themselves.

Does that even begin to make sense to you?

I want to update properly but I'm having a difficult time at the moment. So here's a story you might want t0 read in the meantime.



On Sat 5th Jan, I was determined to get things going, so DH and I spent 3 hours shopping around the City Centre, me power walking everywhere. My constipation was still pretty bad so I was hoping it would help get something moving. We got home; I was shattered but no movement of any kind. So I juiced 2 pineapples and a mango (yum), and drank the lot in almost one go (2 pints!)

About an hour later I needed a wee, went and realised that I desperately needed a bm. I pushed so hard it hurt, but there was some success. At the same time, I bled a little and felt a strange kinda clicking in my pelvis every time I pushed.

Anyway, maybe ½ hour later at midnight, ctx kicked in. I couldn't sleep through them and they were about 8mins apart. I woke up DH and he started to get the lounge and pool ready, knowing we should have enough time.

I was drinking like a fish and after about 2 hours went for yet another wee and lost my plug (very clear mucus, streaked only with bright red blood), ctx were approx. 5-6 mins and my word there was no question I was in labour by then. DH called the midwife but it was so icy outside that it was going to take her a while to get there. That wasn't a problem though, I had my TENS machine when I was ready. At this point the ctx were just really uncomfortable but still didn't hurt (mind over matter I think...)

The midwife arrived at around 3:45am, just after DH had finished getting the pool all set up and the whole of the lounge ready. There was plastic sheeting covering the whole floor, with loads of towels and old blankets. I asked MW to check me to see how far I was as ctx were so uncomfortable and I wanted to see if it was worth using the TENS yet. She couldn't reach my cervix!! The examination was sooooo painful, but my cervix was completely posterior and no telling how dilated I was.

I thought stuff it, let's go with TENS on low, which worked surprisingly well, with DH watching me to press the button for ctx so I wouldn't have to worry about it. She checked me again about half an hour later approx 4:15am and I was roughly 3-4 cm - hooray!!! I could finally get in the pool. OMG sweet relief - it seemed to take away so much of the pain it was untrue. I was breathing steadily and concentrating so hard through every ctx, but it felt like nothing was happening - I couldn't feel baby moving down or anything and was getting verrrrrrrry tired. The water was so warm and soothing but making me a little sleepier than before (I hadn't slept since Friday night!!)

By 6:30am and 6½ hours of established labour, I became very close to thinking I was fighting a losing battle and started to beg for some kind of help. I kept apologising to DH saying I felt like I'd thrown all our hard work out the window by wanting to go in for an epi, but that I was just desperate for help. MW offered to check me again to make a decision - I was 6-7cm!!! I couldn't believe I had made it that far and decided (with renewed vigour!!) that screw this - I was almost there and I knew I could do it. I started on the gas and air and could feel that I might just get to the end.

I soon hit transition - I don't remember much about it, but DH and MW say it was very clear when I was there. I only remember doing weird things like trying to dry off the side of the pool (with a wet hand), and wondering why one of the light's on the ceiling was more yellow than the others (it wasn't...) and instructing DH to stand in an exact spot at the side of the pool so I could go to him or move away as needed...it was very surreal but that's all I remember of that.

I was micro-sleeping between ctx at this point; the "sleeps" felt like ½ hour each but DH tells me they were minutes if not seconds, before being woken by the next ctx. They eventually took the gas and air off me because I wasn't using it, and pushing stage began :shock:

At 10:30am-ish I wanted to start pushing so MW checked me one last time and said she could easily feel Mocha's head 'right there' (about 2cm inside. DH got in the pool and stood behind me, holding me up under my arms while I squatted in the water. The pushing was IMMENSE but the MW were fantastic, not touching me or interfering, using a torch and mirror to observe, telling me how to push past the Ring of Fire and get the head out. I reached down and could stroke the top of Mocha's head and knew I was so close. DH got in the pool with me and held me up while I squatted and pushed – it was unreal, reaching down and feeling the head come out. Finally after an hour of much guided pushing, out came baby Mocha at 11:32am! Labour had lasted approx. 11½ hours. He was GORGEOUS, eyes open and alert, not crying, just gurgling out water, very peaceful. I was so surprised he was a boy! He's called Noah Franklyn.

DH cut the cord and I got out for my natural 3rd stage which was great too. Unfortunately, no one had anticipated baby being quite so big, and I ended up with suspected 3rd degree tearing (hence the trip to hospital). While the MW was assessing me at home, I was out of it on gas and air, DH came back downstairs and announced his weight to me – 10lbs15oz!!!! I nearly had kittens on the spot (which probably would’ve been easier…) At hospital they kept us in because they were all so concerned with the size of Noah (by rights he should have gotten completely stuck with shoulder distortia), whether my SPD was going to be an issue and wanted to make sure he was feeding properly – it was a day before he decided he was going to latch on. Now he feeds like a pro :)

He’s eating and sleeping well, still trying to work out some kind of pattern, but he did well for his first night at home. I’m so proud of myself to be honest – we followed my entire birth plan to the letter, and even after ending up in hospital we got some of the best lactation help we could ask for.

Week: 35+4 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: I wasn't listening
Size: Larger than before
Time to go: 29 days
Full Term: 8 days

It's here it's here!!! I have me a BPIAB and it's frigging awesome. It arrived yesterday and we pumped it up and everything. Didn't fill it though, the room wasn't ready. But OMG it's so cool. It has a seat. And handles. And squishiness. Ooooh yes. D likes it too, he's really pleased.

D and I did a belly cast last night. It's hilarious. Should hopefully be able to decorate it in a few days.

MW#2 is actually ok with homebirth!! We went to clinic today all psyched up for a battle, and she was was fine. Hoorah! She's coming round on Saturday 15th to leave the 'Box of Treats' ready for the birth, and to discuss all the stuff. Oh yes indeedio, I'mma have me a home birth.

Yes I know what you're thinking.

Me: Haha bitches, that's right, I'm having a home birth! *dances*

Internet: *smirk* It'll all fall apart and you'll end up in hospital splayed out in theatre while they hack you open and rip your child out in the most gruesome way possible. Then you won't see your child for three weeks and you'll be locked away for insanity.

Me: ...exaggerate much?

Internet: No. We just like to tell it like it is.

Me: Ok, well while you're doing that, I'm going to be busy giving birth at home.

Internet: Uh, good luck, biatch.

I've been intrigued by the responses from those who're in the know on our plans. Some are great, some are wary but supportive, and then there's the 'You are seriously insane and will probably die'. Those are the ones that make me sad...I know all too well I could end up in hospital, and know that it'll be for good reasons, on my terms. I also know people are on the lookout for me. I guess sometimes it's hard when you just assume (stupidly) that everyone will be happy for you.

I also get tired of the horror stories; it seems strange that people who had a horrific birth are desperate to share it, whilst those who had fantastic births tend to stay quiet. I've spoken to soooooo many people, and the Fantastic Births almost seem to want to find some way to taint their story, which makes me a little sad. Are we a society that is so used to having crappy news to share?

One thing that I AM thankful for is that one or two of the people who were anti-home have had a switch around in the last few days and are really supportive. One of them even brought round a massive black bag full of old sheets and blankets (thanks Mum).

MW#2 says Mocha is 4/5 engaged. YEAH baby. She's really cool, though I do miss MW#1. Still, at least we have a MW, and should hopefully not have to worry about moving on to MW#3, #4 or #5 unlike some. Still, I think I'm past caring who we get, as long as we actually get one (did you know that D could be prosecuted if he delivers Mocha? Good God...)

I finally got my pictures put up in the nursery. I'm still waiting for D to put the curtains up. I swear I'm determined not to lose my marbles. I'm hoping he'll do it either tomorrow or this weekend. He's gonna be busy because he's already got the lounge to move around to fit the pool in properly.

I'm so glad having a baby doesn't take much preparation.