I mentioned a while ago that I was thinking about having a change in direction with my life. I had/have gotten so tired of being utterly shat upon in the music industry, which has been going on for some time. The ensembles I play with at the minute I really enjoy, mainly because there's no pressure, and they play for fun. There's little politics. I don't do well with politics. It's dull. So I like where I'm at.

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 16+0 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Heartbeat: 147 bpm
Time to Go: 166 days
Size: Avocado. You know I have a naval orange and an avocado right here, and the avocado is actually bigger.

Still not gonna eat it though.

Noah is ill. Again. He has a cold, and we're all suffering for it. It's kinda odd, because he's such a good kid and rarely makes a fuss if he's ill. Yesterday he crawled up on to my lap several times and just lay there watching tv (and every time, a limb would fall asleep because I was so uncomfortable, but do you think I was gonna be stupid enough to move when my grossly independent child wants a cuddle? Hell to the mother puppy no.) in between shouting at his toys and refusing food. Today he spent the day dancing to Bunnytown, still refusing food (apart from breadsticks and rice cakes) and rugby tackling me.

If it wasn't for the food thing, oh and him constantly sticking out his tongue trying lick the delightful ever-flowing trail of snot from his nose, I'd never know he was ill. Somehow, with 4 teeth also cracking through at the top, he's still so aweome.



D and I are suffering mostly in that we feel sad for him obviously, but also last night was pretty rough as he woke up a few times. Obviously we're (secretly) smug that he's been sleeping through (like, 10 - 12 hours) since about 2 months, so that came as a shock to the system. I hate when he cries while he has a cold as it's the saddest most whimpering cry you've ever heard, but you know there's nothing you can do for him. If he'd let me I'd just pick him up and smother him with kisses and cuddles.

My latest game is "Guess What Causes Migraines?" and it's just the Best. Game. Ever. Current candidates include Chinese food, mobile phones, work and lack of sleep (I promise I will explain that small issue of work soon, just, not yet). I never had so much fun...at this stage I'm immensely thankful that the sciatica and SPD are reasonably under control. Also thankful I've not had a migraine re-occurance as bad as the last biggie, but it bothers me that there's always a niggling migraine, every single day...

I also seem to have (FINALLY) discovered my "renewed 2nd trimester energy" (which has been a freaking long time coming) but has proved to be great playing with Noah. His "rugby tackling" is so hilarious, along with the insane grin, full charge, raised arms and growling that goes with it! Man he cracks me up.

You're probably wondering about the new car...or you're probably not but I have no feasible segue that I can think of right now, but there's a hold up - not picking it up until Friday! And all because I wanted an iPod adaptor fitted (surely those things come as standard in so many cars?) so I'm still driving the Little Orange Thing at the mo...and oddly enough I'm more gutted than I thought I would be, but hey, ya know, something for the, uh weekend...

Something to make you chuckle? I'm 16 weeks along, more flab than bump, and I'm having Braxton Hicks contractions. Can you believe I forgot all about those momentary spasms of joy?

Due Date: 01/03/2008

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 15+4 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 142 bpm
Fetal Size: 10.8 - 11.6 cm
Time to Go: 170 days

Nooooo!!!! It was all good!! And then it went crap. And then it was good again! And now I just don't know. Things are going well, but I'm struggling to shake the crap. Yep, not as bad as I was, thoroughly grateful blah blah blah...

Only you know what? The opinionated people can just go away (and I would just like to add at this point I just changed position to type better, my bladder is full and Mocha is trying to kick seven kinds of crap out of me. Only it just tickles. For now. I'm probably squashing her and stunting her growth her something.) because I know what I think, I know what I believe and I'm tired of hearing stuff that I really don't care for.

'Well don't ask then!' shout all the sensible people of the world.

I didn't think I did...and I know people mean well, but I just never seem to agree on what they have to say. Instead, it usually just grates against me. *tsk* Some people have useful stuff though...it's just so few and far between. I'm wondering what they'll say on FF.

On a happier note (because I am THAT determined...and this is one of those blogs about a load of crap) DH is taking the day off tomorrow so we can go shopping/do some more on the nursery/fix the garden/anything to take my mind off crap. I think I'm starting to look forward to Tunisia, maybe it'll work nicely as a diversionary tactic. It'll also make the Summer go by just that lil bit quicker!

We also spent loads of time on the nursery on Saturday. The moving around a whole lot kept the old leg active. Doing a weeks worth of rehearsals, however, left me crippled so THAT was, um, confusing. But anyway, the nursery is now empty (apart from the baby stuff...which I really wanna play with...and the laundry. And the snakes. And the rancid carpet and 70 year old wallpaper. But we got time. Let me change that to nearly empty.) and there's not much else to do until we strip walls floor and ceiling, and furniture to arrive. Which I think should be October. Or November. Or a million years away because that's what it feels like.




Oh, and the router. And double bass hidden behind the laundry.



And the random crap on the wall. And on the windowsill.

DH bought a new lawnmower, I bought some passionflower plants. We're so domesticated...hehehe. But I can't complain! Right? Because, you know, it's doing stuff, and you know, takes my mind off The Situation (which is getting MUCH better I think) even though it's STILL ongoing, and anyway, you know, things are um. Not so bad.

(Then why, pray tell, am I not convinced?)

(and who in the world says pray tell?)

Actually I just remembered I had a fabulous breakthrough with one of my LRSM cello pieces; Bloch Nigun, 2nd page with the evil double stopping. Still can't play it, but worked out what fingers I should actually be using, rather than trying to contort my hand and stuff. Well, not contort my hand as much as I was. Anyway.

So that means I'm over halfway...I think I need to get off my ass and research whether I do Rachmaninov or Schumann. I will not give up dammit! I'm due another qualification. Just one that I would like, rather than one someone else thinks I would like. Hah!

I need meat now. You know what's good? Corn beef, egg mayo and Branston Pickle sandwiches. Oh my god yum.

Because you know, I post so often, there's just too much info for you...errrrrrr yes hi.

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 15+0 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 13 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 140 bpm
Fetal Size: 10.8 - 11.6 cm
Time to Go: 174 days

Crutches do NOT slow me down, no siree bob. Yes, I'm actually faster on them, it's hilarious. DH and I went to Taste of Birmingham on Saturday, and I used the crutches from physio. It was great. Of course my hands were screwing at the end of the day, my arms were shattered and I was ready to collapse, but MAN it was so nice to be able to move around. Hehehe. And faster than on Heelys too. Ooooooohhhhh yes.

The Situation continues to drag along; Union contacted them and said 'Er hello? Risk Assessment?' and work said 'Oh yeh yeh...here ya go, take this generic one to keep you ticking over. If you're lucky, we may even arrange a meeting to make it a personal one. But that's if we pull our finger out.'

Lmao.

Spoken to JT about it some more, he's gonna draft me some legal looking stuff. Annoyingly, I'm still trying to decide if those involved in The Situation are genuinely being THAT stupid, or if they're trying to shaft me. If they're trying to shaft me, then I think I'd like to see considerable mess hitting some sort of fan, because I just want this whole thing resolved now. Wonder if I'm the only one.

I have some more pupils! I'm hoping I can hang on to them til maternity leave, and then hopefully my Old Friend will leave me the heck alone.

Ah yes. My Good Friend. Put in a guest appearance this week, and scared the living bejesus out of me. I didn't hit rock bottom, but I know I was close. That whole 'shall I breathe? Can I be bothered? Can I lift my head up to even acknowledge the question DH just asked? Do I even know the answer? Am I dead yet? Can I be?'

The most frightening (and perhaps sobering thought) was that classic guilt that I didn't want to upset people...not about my own demise, but about Mocha. When I realised I hadn't had any proper food for nearly three days and had slept on the sofa because I had no desire to go and sleep in a proper bed, I suddenly wondered what I was doing to her. I felt really bad. Strangely not as bad as I should have done, but I think part of that is because I don't believe in her yet. I wish I would, and pretty soon, it would help an awful lot.

It also doesn't help with the unecessary duration of The Situation, and I'm convinced that's one of the main reasons why I'm having trouble. Would be nice to know I don't have people spying on my every move (is that even allowed??)

On a completely non-related subject, with the support and advice of TT, I have decided that yes I CAN feel Mocha move. It's quite bizarre, like I'm being gently nudged from the inside! I'd love to say it's awesome, but I'm still struggling to believe it. I keep saying 'when it gets stronger, then yeh for sure blah blah', and so yeh, it got stronger and I'm still like 'blah blah'. I'll be convinced one day! Like maybe when she's ripping her way out of me.

I rediscovered facebook again the other week...it's so good to find ways to stay in touch with the world.

Well it's been...an interesting week I guess. Can't really remember much of it, apart from sleeping, trying not to barf, trying to psyche myself up to practice my cello (which I still haven't done), obsessing over baby stuff and trying to decide what the hell to write in my blog. But here's something lovely:

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 12+1 day
Month: 3
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 10 weeks
Fetus Heartbeat: 158 bpm
Time To Go: 194 days

Yeppers, new due date (because Mocha is a whale already) so let's say hello second trimester!! Can you say 'still feeling shit'? I'm still narked over the whlle DPA thing (cos you know, dog with a bone...) and had some fabulous news from the doc yesterday.

Doc the 2nd: I'm not happy about you carrying around your cello and bass, especially with your sciatica. And what are you going to do about September?

Me: Um...

Doc the 2nd: Do you have any numbness? Where does it hurt at the moment?

Me: Um, well not numbness, just pins and needles...

Doc the 2nd: Ok I think I'm going to refer you to physio, they should be in touch with you soon.

etc etc... And a marvellous phone call from my midwife 2 days earlier.

Midwife: Hi, we have your blood results through, and everything is fine apart from that you have sickle cell trait..

Me: WHAT?

Midwife: Uh, I'm guessing you didn't know that.

So now they're going to stab DH for blood too. Add to this the possibility of antenatal depression, postnatal depression, more blood tests and my head exploding, things are just marvellous. Oh and just in case I hadn't learnt to just ignore the phone when it rings, just had CJ on -

CJ: So, when are you coming back?

Me: Don't know, Doc the 2nd has said I might not even be allowed to play anymore.

CJ: Don't wanna ask but just wondering how come you're still gigging...

Me: Well, it's because I beg lifts from DH or risk driving and crashing my car again and because I'll lose my fucking marbles stuck in this house doing shit all and because I can only play an hour at a time anyway before I either fall asleep or supress the urge to scream in agony over my frigging leg/ass/back.

I didn't actually say those words, but perhaps used the less explicit version. You know what though? I want to go back. I think about The Situation everyday. After this Mocha is born, I would love to go back to a couple of days a week. But I truly believe they want me out the door. Which sucks donkey bollocks. I wanted to be pleased someone had called me. But that paranoia still says 'yeh it's all a load of shit, babes'.

I am, however, starting to seriously wonder if this sciatica will ever ease up, or will it just get so bad that I can't even play anymore. That scares me a whole lot. I'm still outrageously tired, yet my sleep at night...well...ha. Mocha might not be kicking me yet, but my bladder sure likes to let me know of it's presence.

And the good news for this post? Um....

Oh yeh!! If you poke my belly hard enough you can feel a uterus in there. I'm growing a small but very firm watermelon.

Or at least, maybe it would make people feel better if I behaved that way. I understand the world does not revolve around me. I understand there are other people in the world, who also have great news. I also, fully understand, that there are people who have crap news too, and can't always share in the good stuff. But why. WHY. Do people insist on crapping. on. my. parade.

Bonehill's pregnant. And chose yesterday, right as I walked through the door, to tell me. Then in the evening, a text from Ayn saying she was pissed at everyone's focus and concentration. And then today, another text saying please be sensitive around Anthony because he wants kids, and curb your enthusiasm and blah blah shit bollock smells.

But you know what? Apart from the fact that most people these days can go and get bent, I shall continue to enjoy this damned freaking pregnancy as much as I can because you know what? I heard Mocha moving around on the doppler this morning, and you know what? The only people to know about it may be me, DH and The Internet because you know what? Sometimes the only people you can count on are the ones who genuinely want to be happy for you. Or can be bothered to read.

I wonder if I should put timelines at the start of every entry.

I'm really sad about DPA now. It's sad but I feel forgotten already. IC still hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He doesn't give a rats ass). CJ also hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He's hoping I'll quit). There's kind of that feeling of 'ok, now she's almost out the door, how fast can we phase her out entirely???' which of course annoys the crap outta me especially when I actually still made an effort from home. And it's a reeeeeeeeally sad state of affairs when your students update you on what's going on.

There's gotta be more happier news in this somewhere...lemmie think...oh yeh...ummm.....

I'll be back later.