Congratulations to Amalah who is expecting her second in October :oD

Week: 40+1 day
Month: 10
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 38 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Yup
Size: I guess 72 inches
Time to go: uh, yesterday
Full Term: Ages ago

I have no child. Externally.

I also have no poop. Externally.

However, I do have indigestion. And constipation.

And yesterday was a riot. MW#2 had previously booked me an appointment to come see me yesterday morning. She didn't turn up, and eventually yesterday evening another MW called to say that it was actually her day off. And did I go into clinic? Because if I did then sorry about that because there was no one there.

W...TF?

So we're thinking maybe private MW with Baby #2 (should I ever get Baby #1 out first).

And since I can do tmi without giving a hoot, I've spent the last three days trying to poop. Having had 3 glasses of prune juice, half a bag of prunes, 3 glasses of apple juice, handfuls of (dry) All-Bran and a bowl of scrambled egg and beans.

I'm actually quite impressed with myself, I could possibly be holding a world record here for the longest time to go without pooping.

I'm also impressed with the number of people who STILL keep harassing me. At the moment I think I've decided to stop responding to texts etc, because people? Just leave me the fuck alone and stop asking stupid questions. And stop asking seemingly nice questions as a round-about way to get to ask your stupid questions.

I think maybe if I was, like, 608 weeks pregnant then I could understand people asking if I've "dropped yet". (Hah hah! You're so funny! Have I "dropped" yet!! Oh hah hah! Stupid whores.) But people? I ONLY JUST GOT TO 40 WEEKS. And in case you didn't know, FIRST BABIES OFTEN GO TO 42 WEEKS, YOU BUNCH OF STUPID WHORES. Go learn something.

I wonder if I should go walk round Sainsburys...it's been a week...

Week: 39+5 days
Month: 10 (Seriously...what?)
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 38 weeks (I signed it up for Uni. Cambridge.)
Fetal Heartbeat: Yes indeedy.
Size: Long enough
Time to go: 27 hours (WTF??!)
Full Term: I stopped counting

Yeh yeh ok so I got a bit tetchy in one of my posts, but hey can you blame me??! D's mother has taken to calling EVERY DAY (sometimes several times) to check on progress. Well. I'm still pregnant. And for the frickin MILLIONTH time, WE WILL CALL if something happens.

Though at this rate we may just neglect to call until it's at pre-school, like we kinda forgot to mention.

I'm totally appreciative of people checking to see if there's 'any news'; it's lovely that people care and stuff, but come on, did it occur to you if you're constantly sending messages, then so is someone else...?

I must admit, the messages that I really appreciate are the 'thinking of you etc etc', or the 'hope you're ok, shout if I can help blah blah'...I guess I shouldn't be so ungrateful (or some shit like that) but maaaaaaan it can get old I guess, especially when I'm already tired and starting to get really impatient.

Went for accupressure today; it was different, but felt really good. Mocha kicked up a storm every time she squeezed my big toe on my right foot. It was kinda entertaining. She said she worked on constipation points and labour induction points. Needless to say, the induction points aren't guaranteed, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Gotta admit, I feel more barfy, my back is screwing and the BH are pretty strong. Can't be bothered to time them yet though.

My latest plan is to go into labour by Saturday. Cos you know, Mocha and I have this agreement whereby it does what I say.

HAHAHHHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAAHAHAA!!!

I'm still on the raspberry leaf tea (YES I know, it doesn't actually induce labour) and drinking like a fish. I have evening primrose oil but don't have the balls to take any. Every time I think about it I chicken out and google until I find enough info that says Don't Do It!! Lengthy Labour! Induction! C-section!

You'd think I'd just bin the stuff.

Oh, and er, happy new year and stuff.

Week: 39+2 days
Month: 10 (Jesus Christ on a parmesan and poppy seed cracker)
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 37 weeks (it'll be ready for college when it comes out)
Fetal Heartbeat: Still there thank the lord
Size: Much too long
Time to go: 5 days (HAH! Not even due date yet)
Full Term: 16 days ago
Days til New Year: 3 days (urhm...)

Haha yeh I'm still pregnant.

Still spotting, still power walking round Sainsburys, still cramping etc etc...in fact, just so I remember, pre-labour seems to consist of many of the following:

~ Spotting
~ Cramping
~ Nausea
~ Dizziness
~ Crazy Braxton Hicks
~ Back ache
~ Nesting
~ Desperation
~ The need to kill someone/something
~ more that I just can't remember right now

The end of pregnancy is something that no woman should have to go through. In fact, we should be put to sleep until it's born, and this should happen at around 36 weeks, just before that moment when you realise that it's no longer fun, but in fact your crotch is permanently on fire, you're desperate for alcohol and that heartburn DOES in fact plague you day and night.

And people. People people people. What is with this 'are you a mum yet?' 'Have you had it yet?' 'Are you still pregnant?'

Well yes I've had it, I just forgot about it, you know? Did I forget to mention that I pushed a frigging melon the same weight as a bowling ball out of my Mary Jane? Did I not tell you that this belly I have is in fact just excess fat left over from Xmas Dinner?* You dumb asses, YES I'm still preggo and I will TELL YOU when I've had the goddamn baby so STOP HARASSING ME. Cos you know, enough pressure already.

My latest trick? (Cos there's always at least one...) I drink something, and then burp it straight back up. It doesn't even taste acidic because it didn't even get that far. I get to drink everything twice.

Awesome.

*Ham and parmesan salad to start, whole salmon stuffed with spinach, spring onions and mozarella for mains and xmas pud for desert. Ohhhhhhhh yehhhhhhhh.

Week: 38+2 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 36 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Er, yes
Size: Lengthy
Time to go: 11 days
Full Term: 9 days ago
Days til xmas: 3 days (shit)

And I don't mean Spot the Dog. So, the only other alternative would be me. Spotting. And lots of it. D and I went to Sainsburys this morning (at 8am no less. "manic laughter") and finished the Christmas food shopping. As usual, Mocha decided that if I'm walking, it's gonna try walking too (on my ribs). Not a problem quite used to that now. Even impressed myself on the speed in which we got round the shop (done within the hour).*

Got back, went to the loo, spotting. Right there. Hoorah! And Oh shit, I said. D had a look! Hoorah! And Oh shit, what do we do now? He said. Isn't it funny that for all my arrogant research, everything flies out my head when the shit starts to hit the fan. I called mum, let her know what's going on, and left it at that. What else can I do? Go and finish wrapping D's presents (thank you SOOOO much Anthony and Darren, your timing is impeccable). So I did, went to the loo again 2 hours later.

More spotting.

I'm not panicking about the immenent birth of the child, I'm panicking in case something's going wrong and the buggers try to send me to hospital. Mocha is still moving absolutely fine, my back has a dull ache to it and the BH are still going strong. I feel fine. Tired of course, mild cramping, back ache, swollen feet and dry skin**, but otherwise fine. Heh.

I'm thinking I'd like to NOT be pushing on Xmas day. Yes I know, I have no choice in the matter blah blah blah, but an Xmas day baby? Please, come on. Poor child. I'd have it's birthday changed by default (is that even allowed?)

The house is actually ready now. Mocha's room all complete (including the outrageously cute clothes bought for it by Uncle K from Baby Gap - good lord I almost dribbled on them) - two coats (winter and summer), Converse All Star Hi-Tops and a bodysuit (in blue). This child is gonna be so spoilt. But that's ok.

The lounge is all moved around and MW#2 has left her bag of fun tricks ready for delivery. I was gutted to discover there was no gas and air in there! That could've been fun, hehe!

Had a few major cleaning outbursts over the last week, promptly followed by passing out on the sofa. Hey, don't judge me. I sleep easier in the day. And at least I'm cleaning! You'd normally have to put a bomb under me to get me to do that stuff...

Here's a question: Can a cat tell when you might be going into labour soon?

I have to say, I never thought about how much this spotting would bother me, mainly I think because I haven't 'spotted' onto a pad since the miscarriage in Feb. So I guess that's the only association I have with it... and I guess it's a bit of a freak out.

Anyhoo.

Guess I'll be on the loo every two hours (cos you know, there's something new...)

* If you're ever shopping and the place is full of stupid whores, put random items in their trollies, or even just walk off with their trolley when they're not looking. Omg so funny.

** No stretch marks yet bitches, Haaaaaaaa!!!! ***

*** I'll regret I said that.

Week: 35+4 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: I wasn't listening
Size: Larger than before
Time to go: 29 days
Full Term: 8 days

It's here it's here!!! I have me a BPIAB and it's frigging awesome. It arrived yesterday and we pumped it up and everything. Didn't fill it though, the room wasn't ready. But OMG it's so cool. It has a seat. And handles. And squishiness. Ooooh yes. D likes it too, he's really pleased.

D and I did a belly cast last night. It's hilarious. Should hopefully be able to decorate it in a few days.

MW#2 is actually ok with homebirth!! We went to clinic today all psyched up for a battle, and she was was fine. Hoorah! She's coming round on Saturday 15th to leave the 'Box of Treats' ready for the birth, and to discuss all the stuff. Oh yes indeedio, I'mma have me a home birth.

Yes I know what you're thinking.

Me: Haha bitches, that's right, I'm having a home birth! *dances*

Internet: *smirk* It'll all fall apart and you'll end up in hospital splayed out in theatre while they hack you open and rip your child out in the most gruesome way possible. Then you won't see your child for three weeks and you'll be locked away for insanity.

Me: ...exaggerate much?

Internet: No. We just like to tell it like it is.

Me: Ok, well while you're doing that, I'm going to be busy giving birth at home.

Internet: Uh, good luck, biatch.

I've been intrigued by the responses from those who're in the know on our plans. Some are great, some are wary but supportive, and then there's the 'You are seriously insane and will probably die'. Those are the ones that make me sad...I know all too well I could end up in hospital, and know that it'll be for good reasons, on my terms. I also know people are on the lookout for me. I guess sometimes it's hard when you just assume (stupidly) that everyone will be happy for you.

I also get tired of the horror stories; it seems strange that people who had a horrific birth are desperate to share it, whilst those who had fantastic births tend to stay quiet. I've spoken to soooooo many people, and the Fantastic Births almost seem to want to find some way to taint their story, which makes me a little sad. Are we a society that is so used to having crappy news to share?

One thing that I AM thankful for is that one or two of the people who were anti-home have had a switch around in the last few days and are really supportive. One of them even brought round a massive black bag full of old sheets and blankets (thanks Mum).

MW#2 says Mocha is 4/5 engaged. YEAH baby. She's really cool, though I do miss MW#1. Still, at least we have a MW, and should hopefully not have to worry about moving on to MW#3, #4 or #5 unlike some. Still, I think I'm past caring who we get, as long as we actually get one (did you know that D could be prosecuted if he delivers Mocha? Good God...)

I finally got my pictures put up in the nursery. I'm still waiting for D to put the curtains up. I swear I'm determined not to lose my marbles. I'm hoping he'll do it either tomorrow or this weekend. He's gonna be busy because he's already got the lounge to move around to fit the pool in properly.

I'm so glad having a baby doesn't take much preparation.

Due Date: 01/03/2008

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 16+5 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 15 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 14o bpm
Size: 11 - 12 cm
Time to Go: 162 days

Oh my god I want a Petunia Pickle Bottom Diaper Bag. Please. Please. Please. I almost don't even care which one. Any one will do. Please. Any. Please.

So the ball has started rolling and I'm getting more healthcare at home. A counsellor came round yesterday and she was sooooooooo helpful. I'm impressed at how fast they get things going. I'm wondering whether to go to IE for extreme help if there isn't any progress.

Anyway, enough of the dull stuff.

Mocha is kicking daily, though I still don't know what actually makes her kick; still, it helps to know she's still alive. I find it amusing that I seem to be hitting the uncomfortable stage, despite only being 16 weeks. Hehe that's really funny (I seem to actually be a pansy).

And before I forget (or go) I thought I'd post this from FF - it's kinda funny.

You know you're pregnant when...

You're filling in a form for something, preggo brain kicks in and you can't remember your date of birth/address/age/name

People suddenly take a slightly creepy interest in your stomach area

Your doc says 'Please lift your top so I can feel/listen' and you realise you're gonna have to do it without batting an eyelid

A corned beef, egg mayo, pickle and cheese sandwich sounds GREAT

You either have a passionate craving for a specific food or you don't have any interest in eating at all.

You take a plate and silverware out to eat lunch. Place them on the counter and while waiting for your lunch to cook, start washing the dishes in the sink. when your lunch is ready you wonder where your plate and silverware went. Then you realize you washed them along with the dirty dishes

You pay the lady at the drive-through, take your change, and then drive off without your food.

You have an emergency stash of antacids in every room of the house, plus your car and your desk at work--and these all need to be replaced frequently.

You're gasping for the loo, feel like you haven't been for DAYS even though you went 20 minutes ago; you finally pee, and produce just enough to fill half an eggcup.

You get excited about the discovery of a new way to mix fruit juice and club soda to produce a "cocktail." And you put it in a fancy glass with garnish to bolster the illusion.

You are ROASTING and sweating, thinking you are going to DIE from the heat, and everyone around you is cold.

One minute you want to rip your DH's clothes off and dtd but the next minute you want to shoot him for leaving his dirty dishes in the sink/dirty socks on the floor/dirty anything anywhere near you

Just watching movie previews about love stories, romantic comedies, dramas etc makes you cry - and the movie hasn't even started yet

You step out of the shower, grab your softest, fluffiest towel and STILL feel like your nipples are going to fall off.


Oh, and just in case you weren't sure about Petunia Pickle Bottom, here is a link to some of the Funkiest. Bags. Ever.

Please.

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 15+4 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 142 bpm
Fetal Size: 10.8 - 11.6 cm
Time to Go: 170 days

Nooooo!!!! It was all good!! And then it went crap. And then it was good again! And now I just don't know. Things are going well, but I'm struggling to shake the crap. Yep, not as bad as I was, thoroughly grateful blah blah blah...

Only you know what? The opinionated people can just go away (and I would just like to add at this point I just changed position to type better, my bladder is full and Mocha is trying to kick seven kinds of crap out of me. Only it just tickles. For now. I'm probably squashing her and stunting her growth her something.) because I know what I think, I know what I believe and I'm tired of hearing stuff that I really don't care for.

'Well don't ask then!' shout all the sensible people of the world.

I didn't think I did...and I know people mean well, but I just never seem to agree on what they have to say. Instead, it usually just grates against me. *tsk* Some people have useful stuff though...it's just so few and far between. I'm wondering what they'll say on FF.

On a happier note (because I am THAT determined...and this is one of those blogs about a load of crap) DH is taking the day off tomorrow so we can go shopping/do some more on the nursery/fix the garden/anything to take my mind off crap. I think I'm starting to look forward to Tunisia, maybe it'll work nicely as a diversionary tactic. It'll also make the Summer go by just that lil bit quicker!

We also spent loads of time on the nursery on Saturday. The moving around a whole lot kept the old leg active. Doing a weeks worth of rehearsals, however, left me crippled so THAT was, um, confusing. But anyway, the nursery is now empty (apart from the baby stuff...which I really wanna play with...and the laundry. And the snakes. And the rancid carpet and 70 year old wallpaper. But we got time. Let me change that to nearly empty.) and there's not much else to do until we strip walls floor and ceiling, and furniture to arrive. Which I think should be October. Or November. Or a million years away because that's what it feels like.




Oh, and the router. And double bass hidden behind the laundry.



And the random crap on the wall. And on the windowsill.

DH bought a new lawnmower, I bought some passionflower plants. We're so domesticated...hehehe. But I can't complain! Right? Because, you know, it's doing stuff, and you know, takes my mind off The Situation (which is getting MUCH better I think) even though it's STILL ongoing, and anyway, you know, things are um. Not so bad.

(Then why, pray tell, am I not convinced?)

(and who in the world says pray tell?)

Actually I just remembered I had a fabulous breakthrough with one of my LRSM cello pieces; Bloch Nigun, 2nd page with the evil double stopping. Still can't play it, but worked out what fingers I should actually be using, rather than trying to contort my hand and stuff. Well, not contort my hand as much as I was. Anyway.

So that means I'm over halfway...I think I need to get off my ass and research whether I do Rachmaninov or Schumann. I will not give up dammit! I'm due another qualification. Just one that I would like, rather than one someone else thinks I would like. Hah!

I need meat now. You know what's good? Corn beef, egg mayo and Branston Pickle sandwiches. Oh my god yum.

Well it's been...an interesting week I guess. Can't really remember much of it, apart from sleeping, trying not to barf, trying to psyche myself up to practice my cello (which I still haven't done), obsessing over baby stuff and trying to decide what the hell to write in my blog. But here's something lovely:

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 12+1 day
Month: 3
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 10 weeks
Fetus Heartbeat: 158 bpm
Time To Go: 194 days

Yeppers, new due date (because Mocha is a whale already) so let's say hello second trimester!! Can you say 'still feeling shit'? I'm still narked over the whlle DPA thing (cos you know, dog with a bone...) and had some fabulous news from the doc yesterday.

Doc the 2nd: I'm not happy about you carrying around your cello and bass, especially with your sciatica. And what are you going to do about September?

Me: Um...

Doc the 2nd: Do you have any numbness? Where does it hurt at the moment?

Me: Um, well not numbness, just pins and needles...

Doc the 2nd: Ok I think I'm going to refer you to physio, they should be in touch with you soon.

etc etc... And a marvellous phone call from my midwife 2 days earlier.

Midwife: Hi, we have your blood results through, and everything is fine apart from that you have sickle cell trait..

Me: WHAT?

Midwife: Uh, I'm guessing you didn't know that.

So now they're going to stab DH for blood too. Add to this the possibility of antenatal depression, postnatal depression, more blood tests and my head exploding, things are just marvellous. Oh and just in case I hadn't learnt to just ignore the phone when it rings, just had CJ on -

CJ: So, when are you coming back?

Me: Don't know, Doc the 2nd has said I might not even be allowed to play anymore.

CJ: Don't wanna ask but just wondering how come you're still gigging...

Me: Well, it's because I beg lifts from DH or risk driving and crashing my car again and because I'll lose my fucking marbles stuck in this house doing shit all and because I can only play an hour at a time anyway before I either fall asleep or supress the urge to scream in agony over my frigging leg/ass/back.

I didn't actually say those words, but perhaps used the less explicit version. You know what though? I want to go back. I think about The Situation everyday. After this Mocha is born, I would love to go back to a couple of days a week. But I truly believe they want me out the door. Which sucks donkey bollocks. I wanted to be pleased someone had called me. But that paranoia still says 'yeh it's all a load of shit, babes'.

I am, however, starting to seriously wonder if this sciatica will ever ease up, or will it just get so bad that I can't even play anymore. That scares me a whole lot. I'm still outrageously tired, yet my sleep at night...well...ha. Mocha might not be kicking me yet, but my bladder sure likes to let me know of it's presence.

And the good news for this post? Um....

Oh yeh!! If you poke my belly hard enough you can feel a uterus in there. I'm growing a small but very firm watermelon.

Or at least, maybe it would make people feel better if I behaved that way. I understand the world does not revolve around me. I understand there are other people in the world, who also have great news. I also, fully understand, that there are people who have crap news too, and can't always share in the good stuff. But why. WHY. Do people insist on crapping. on. my. parade.

Bonehill's pregnant. And chose yesterday, right as I walked through the door, to tell me. Then in the evening, a text from Ayn saying she was pissed at everyone's focus and concentration. And then today, another text saying please be sensitive around Anthony because he wants kids, and curb your enthusiasm and blah blah shit bollock smells.

But you know what? Apart from the fact that most people these days can go and get bent, I shall continue to enjoy this damned freaking pregnancy as much as I can because you know what? I heard Mocha moving around on the doppler this morning, and you know what? The only people to know about it may be me, DH and The Internet because you know what? Sometimes the only people you can count on are the ones who genuinely want to be happy for you. Or can be bothered to read.

I wonder if I should put timelines at the start of every entry.

I'm really sad about DPA now. It's sad but I feel forgotten already. IC still hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He doesn't give a rats ass). CJ also hasn't contacted me (it's true!! He's hoping I'll quit). There's kind of that feeling of 'ok, now she's almost out the door, how fast can we phase her out entirely???' which of course annoys the crap outta me especially when I actually still made an effort from home. And it's a reeeeeeeeally sad state of affairs when your students update you on what's going on.

There's gotta be more happier news in this somewhere...lemmie think...oh yeh...ummm.....

I'll be back later.

OOOOOHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY FREAAAAAAKING GOOOOOOOOD. People annoy the shit outta me, I swear.

Me: Heya Nick! Guess what!! Guess who's pregnant!

Nick: You never are, are ya? That's great!

Me: Thanks!!!

Nick: Yeah I had a vasectomy yesterday...

(here follows 5 minutes of graphic details...)

Cos, um, like, what the fuck? And I'm supposed to care? And did you not hear what I just said?? GOD DAMMIT??

Oh wait, hold on -

Due Date: 01/08/2008
Week: 9+5 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 8 weeks

Time To Go:
Due Date: 211 days
2nd Trimester: 15 days
UltraScan: 12 hours (YEEEEAAAH baby)

And my other grief is people who just won't leave me the fuck alone because I'm not ready to tell you yet because it's MY NEWS AND I KNOW THE WORLD WILL KNOW BEFORE I'VE EVEN. FINISHED. TELLING. YOU. None of your damn business, tell you when I'm damn near good and ready. Though you've probably told everyone anyway. Damnit.

As I lay in bed last night, at 2am, listening to DH snore downstairs on the sofa and feeling resentful that I couldn't sleep because those snores haunt me in a sleeping and waking life, I wondered what would happen if I put a pillow over DH's head. Then I laughed about it and told him this morning. He laughed too. All be it nervously. I thought it was funny.

So, Cornwall tomorrow, and lord it's long overdue. I'm so looking forward to seeing Phil and spending an obscene amount of time on the beach, not thinking about the suckage that is work. Cos I sill haven't heard from them and so of course they still suck. But not people at my level of course though (yes, us scrutters who deserve nothing). Well, I heard from J-Po and he's still lovely as ever. But he's the only one that knows (I hope). Haven't heard from anyone else though. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Oddly enough, I'm slightly bitter about it. But that's because I'm thinking they just dont care, when I'm not even sure that I want them to. Or maybe they're not supposed to contact me or something. Or maybe the ice-cream I just ate made me feel sick and now all I want is my salt and vinegar (chipsticks? Yes please).

Anyway, Cornwall. Oh yeh. I packed a bikini. Cos I'm obviously gonna wear it on the beach, sporting my obscene bloatedness.

Scene - On the beach
DH: Hey babe you look great in that bikini.

Me: yeh, don't feel great, but thanks. My boobs totally make the top look fucking ace.

Local/swimmer: OH MY GOD, THERE'S A WHALE ON THE BEACH!! HOLY SHIT SOMEONE CALL THE COASTGUARD!!!!

DH: ...

Me: I'll be right back.

Still only gained a pound though, and gone up two cupsizes (now in E cup) so shove THAT up yer skinny ass crotches.

Oh yeh and U/S too. That still hasn't actually sunk in yet, so at the moment I'm still fretting about whether I'll have enough piss in my bladder for them to prod at and make it totally worth our while. We (only just) heard the heartbeat today. Mostly because I've been pissing every thirty minutes as a result of..well, the freaking obvious. I'm not even convinced that seeing a pic will bring it home. And I'm guessing all I'll see is a little fuzzy blob (baby). With a big gaping blob (bladder). And maybe some squiggly blobs (umbilical cord, limbs).

But I am happy. Really.