I am just not cut out for this. I was never made to be a mother, I am not mother material, I can barely cope with one kid, I do NOT see how the hell I an cope with two. I have all the help I can possibly get and yet O still feel like a fucking failure. Noah has ben fine with his grandparents all day, he comes home and is fine, and the second I sit him down to eat, he screams and throws things at me. Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve that?

He's barely eaten all day, he's had practically no dinner (apart from a handful of crisps - oh what a great mother am I) and if he plays up at diner and doesn't eat, he gets no dessert. Which obviously makes me look like the evil mom (I just can't afford to have him grow up on crap alone)

And now I'm fucking crying, for fucks sake. Can someone please tell me how the hell I'm supposed to turn myself around and suddenly just "adapt" to this whole thing that I blatantly cannot do? I can't deal with this. I think about going to sleep and not waking up for months, and just letting everyone else deal with all the shit instead of me. I sometimes think it would just do everyone a too; no one would have to listen to me whine, Noah wouldn't hate me, everyone could just get on and life would be so much easier for all without me and my over-complicated, over-anal, overly-thought-out ways of dealing with everything.

As I sat there with Noah screaming directly into my face, having just hurled yet another plate/bowl/spoon at me, I wondered how much does he hate me. And it sucks to sit there wondering if your kid who is no where NEAR being a teenager absolutely hates favour you, and how the hell did things just escalate so badly anyway?

I hate feeling like a failure, and it terrifies me so much that I'm going to have to feel all of this again with another kid. Why would I put anyone through this? Why should I make another kid suffer already? I always wondered about moms who gave up their kids, and it pains me to say it but sometimes I can see why. I feel like I'm raising some kind of monster who just finds it easier not to be around his neurotic mother.

Lately all I seem to do is shout at him, Noah no touch, Noah no throw, Noah come away, Noah dangerous - no wonder the kid hates me. He probably thinks all fun and games must stop every time he sees me.

It's great that we have Nanny to help us out, but I'm now terrified that it's going to get to the point where he'd rather spend all his time with her. I'm also betting that most of you already saw this coming. I can see it now; D brings Noah downstairs, sees me and Nanny, screams at me and then clings to her. She's so great with him; she gets to do all the things I so desperately want to do, without the added hassle of having to be the ultimate disciplinarian and being the one that always come down on him like a ton of bricks if he's naughty.

And what the hell happens when T.O.O. comes along in 5 weeks time? When Noah spends more time with Nanny, and he realises that actually, life is great when his mum isn't around and he can just do whatever?

I wonder if this is post natal depression. I wonder if this is pregnancy hormones. I also wonder if this is exhaustion in its finest form. I think potentially all of the above, which then leads me to wonder how the hell am I supposed to be a good mother? I have only had Noah for 2 hours today, and already I'm not sure I want to be around him any more today. I can't cope with him. I can't deal with him. I admit defeat - he's too much for me. I'm too weak to deal with him, that's all there is to it.

The honest truth. I'm so not made to be a mom. And that pisses me off severely, because being a failure really stinks.
6 Responses
  1. Cassandra Says:

    Hunny, I don't know what to say, I'm so so sorry youre feeling like this. I feel like I should say something indepth and profound, but a) I want to write something back straight away on reading this and b) Im not sure Im great at indepth and profound, especially without thinking long and hard first.

    So, this is what Im going to say, and please please understand that I mean this from the very very bottom of my heart. I've seen you with Noah. Ive seen you and Dave and Noah as a family. And I know you. And you are A TRULY AMAZING MOTHER. Truly truly so. And not just that, you are an AWESOME person, full stop. And I have so much respect for you its untrue. Ive never met anyone like you, youre one in a million. Truly. (Just realised that Ive said truly quite a lot, guess thats just my way of wanting you to know how much I mean what I say!)

    I dont know much (anything) about children, so I cant really offer anything of use on that front, but isnt there a thing they call the 'terrible twos'? And Noah is always ahead of his years, so maybe its a bit of that? Just a thought...

    But please, please, believe that YOU ARE AMAZING, and strong, and just awesome in every way.

    And everythings, gonna be ok... just wait and see... (see whats happened to me, ive gotten all positive about things!)

    And (you know I have to say this), you know where I am if you want a rant. Im always here.

  2. Val Says:

    I don't know you but what I do know is it's gets better. Don't give up on yourself. There is no mommy manuel but every mom is born with an instinct. You just have to chose to use it and to me it seems you do. I have four and it isn't a walk in the park but through dedication they turn out ok. Trust me. Ive shedded a few tears myself and torn myself down but in the end it turns out ok ((hug))

  3. Kelly Says:

    Well Jay, lucky for you, *I* always know what to say. LOL
    Listen to me. If I were sitting in the same room with you I would be sitting annoyingly close to you and looking you straight in the eyes.
    So picture it. And then imagine my California voice saying to you "My dear Jay, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. And what a load of fucking horse shit."

    No, seriously...bullshit.
    First of all, I got my period last week RIGHT after Cliff broke his arm. But the post traumatic mommy stress combined with the hormones of my period made me certifiably insane. I am not really exaggerating. I turned the house upside down in a RAGE looking for a shirt for Cliff's picture day at school. I ranted and raved about nothing. AND I went on AT LENGTH about how both of my children hate me. Amanda throws food at me and runs cooing for her father. Cliffy asked for his daddy in the Emergency Room. What kind of fucking failure of a mother am I that my kid, in an emergency situation, asks for someone other than his MOMMY?! That's just preposterous! I had a tantrum, a meltdown, I cried ad nauseum, I called my mommy to lament about what a horrid mother I am and how my children HATE me.
    And then about 3 days later, the cloud passed and I'm ok again.
    So please don't take this as me saying trite, cliche bullshit or patronizing you...but it IS the hormones. Hello? You have 5 weeks left?! When I was pregnant with Amanda I was positively a fucking LOON the last 6 weeks. a loon. I was sick with bronchitis so in addition to the lovely baby kicking me in the bladder thing, I peed every time I coughed, and I couged allllll the tiiiiiime. And I don't mean a trickle. I emptied my friggin bladder into my Lane Bryant chonies every time I coughed. LOL And I cried for days and weeks. I felt like crap and I was depressed and I was freaking out and I was tired and sick of barfing up acid and peeing myself and worrying and...all of it.
    And then one day I woke up and I felt better. And the next day I felt better. And I actually left the house and took Cliff to the park. And the next day I was timing contractions at the freakin car wash.
    I do talk alot don't I?
    well anyway, damnit, my point IS that you are very close to the end here. Your hormones are screaming in 8 different directions. You know it but its hard to see the forest for the trees when you are in the forest.
    Furthermore, while some may debate this I lived and I heard many similar stories about it...Noah knows on some level that TOO is coming. He doesn't really "get" it or understand it, but he knows. so of course he's going to be an extra special booger for awhile.
    And I had the SAME fears about my kids loving our daycare people more than me. Same problem really...they are with "them" all day and me a few hours. And some of them are wonderful with my babies. And some of them babysit for me at the house. And my kids loooove some of them. But you know what...they still love me more!!
    NO one ever replaces mommy.
    Mommies who are MEAN to their children are preferred over anyone else. His enthusiasm for experimenting with the velocity variations of pasta are just toddlerisms. And he also feels SAFE with you. Is he going to fling cereal at some nanny he hardly knows? Who may just sell him to the circus as far as he knows?! hell no. Who is he going to test the boundaries with? who loves him no matter what? Who will pull his fucking head out from between the wall and the crib because he's testing boundaries and gravity?? mommy!! you're the safe place. therefore, you wear his dinner.
    its true. I don't make this shit up. I google it late at night when I am having my OWN crises and I'm thankful to be able to share my neurotic knowledge with you.

    You're a wonderful mommy Jay. All the feelings you are having right now are normal and somewhat hormonal and they will pass. I promise.

    Hugs and Cheetos to you. Email me if you need me to cuss at you some more? =)

    love ya!!

  4. jen Says:

    I don't have a lot to say babe, cos I think Kelly's said it all. She's right you know - hormones are evil, AND you're tired AND you're in pain AND you've got a scarily bright boy who has definitely hit the terrible two's a bit early...
    I worry that James will love his Nan more than me, cos he spends 5 days a week with her, and comes home tired and grumpy and plays me up ALL NIGHT. Then I think about the way his little face lights up when I get home from work, and I know everything's alright.
    Just keep doing what you're doing- cos you're an AMAZING Mom, and Noah loves you sooooo much!
    Remember, I'm not far away. If you need me, call me.
    Loads of love.

  5. Meredith Says:

    He doesn't hate you...he's just acting out with you b/c he knows that no matter how naughty he is and no matter what awful thing he does to you, you will never leave him and you will love him forever. Which in itself proves that you are in fact an excellent mommy.

    Big hugs...xoxo

  6. Gerry Says:

    It has been a while since I saw you, but the person I remember was kind,witty, thoughtful , talented and beautiful. I am sorry you are feeling bad just now and as a man, I have no idea what happens at this point of pregnancy except from the other side.
    You have a wonderful load of friends and a husband who clearly adores you. No one hates you, least of all Noah.
    By the way, you turned into a great writer. All our thoughts are with you.