Something's happening. I'm not sure what it is, or how to deal with it. It's a good thing, trust me, a very good thing. A nice thing. But I don't know how to handle the situation.
If anything, she'd probably just tell me to go with the flow. She'd probably just say that it's ok. Don't stress about it. It's normal. People make good friends all the time. I know that. Of course I know that! Like, DUH, I know people make good friends.
I'll probably offend an awful lot of people with this post. People who thought they knew me. People who thought they understood me. People who tried to relate to me, to understand what it is about me. What makes me tick.
I pushed most of them away at the first sign of misunderstanding.
See, the thing is, there's just too much going on for me to have to explain myself. I can't explain who I am, what I am, in just a few short words. And sadly, that means an awful lot of people don't have the time for me as a friend. Sure people tolerate me, or hang around me occasionally. Maybe I misunderstand them, maybe they misunderstand me.
In fact, I know I'm misunderstood. I suspect many people think I'd rather just get on with things by myself. Deal with my own problems in my own time. Not want to share problems with others for feedback, or advice, or just to generally sound off.
And that's a shame.
Because often, the above is the exact opposite. I need to sound off all the time. Just one reason I started this blog. I can deal with stuff, but not always on my own. It gets too much. I need to share problems. All the time. But I need to be heard. I don't always want you to keep interrupting me with your experiences. I don't want to finally open up to you, only to have you talk over me and me not even finish what I was saying. Sometimes? It is all about me.
To the very few who DO offer me their ear, GENUINELY, I don't always take it. I have my reasons. Usually because I know they couldn't relate, or I just don't really know how to talk about it, or they're not right for me at that time...but I always appreciate the offer. Always. And I hope they know that. I'm sure they know that. I hope that even though I almost always decline to talk to them, they don't ever stop offering, because sometimes that in itself, is enough.
Am I too fussy in picking friends? Am I foolish for not letting potential friends get too close? I haven't had a good friend since I left high school. There have been people come and go since then. There are people who I let get close, too close, and then pushed them away because they hurt me.
I don't seem the vulnerable sort, do I? Yeah that's me, tough exterior, maybe a little soft on the inside, just gets on with it, takes no bullshit, and takes most other stuff on the chin.
There are people who are discovering that's not the case, all the time.
There are some people who ARE lovely. Beyond belief. And I want to spend more time with them. Different reasons make it difficult. Or, different circumstances mean we're not in the same place, which is fine. They're still so very lovely. They know who they are. They know I'll always be there for them, no matter what. They know I'll always smile when they get in touch. They may not think it's them that I'm talking about, but that's ok. They still make me smile.
She's lovely. She's the sort of person I wish I'd known a long time ago. She understands way too much. I nod my head vigorously in agreement with every email she sends. She makes me laugh. A lot. To the point where I have to tweet her just to tell her she made me laugh. I'm jealous of her talents, even though it's in areas in which I hold very little desire to excel.
I've had lots of friends. I've had some good friends, and still do. I currently have one or two great friends, who I always have time for. But it's been some time since I had a best friend, who just, well, knows.
Just let it flow, right? Don't push her away? Don't get hung up? Don't get weirded out? This post probably sounds like I've found a new love of my life (I stress I'm happily married, and not a lesbian. And of course there's nothing wrong with lesbians. *snort*), but seriously, I get nervous when someone seems a bit...perfect? Good for me?
Is it wrong that I'm kind of waiting to find some major flaw that makes me revert to my usual rant of "see? Let someone get too close? They will fuck you over. And you'll be back to square one. And be full of regret. And you'll learn your lesson. And they never took you seriously in the first place. And didn't you know they were just humouring you? And of course, they were only so nice to you just to make themselves look good. And they never took you seriously. And you're a fool. And also? DUH."
Continue downward spiral of ridiculous thinking.
I hate this way of thinking. I don't want to freak her out. I don't want to push her away. I don't even want her to be freaked out by this post. I just hope she understands that I don't cope so well with people ALWAYS being there for me. Even through their own shit. Even when they are at the end of their own tether.
I don't know where this post is going. What I do know, is that I'm apprehensive. I know she fully understands why. I know she has so many other friends who help and support her immensely, and she does the same for them in return. So I'm apprehensive because I don't want to get hurt again, by someone I consider important to me. I suppose I just count myself incredibly lucky, despite my cynicism, that she counts me as one of those friends.
And I know that, even though I don't understand this now, that this really is unchartered territory for me, and I'm not just chilling out and enjoying the situation (Situation? It's not even that. I don't know what else to call it...normal-ness?), I'll look back and count myself as incredibly damn lucky to have been in this situation. To have known her, and have her give time and have patience for me.
I hope she knows that.