It's another post about depression. Sorry. But that's how it is lately. That seems to be the theme of my life lately. I'm not even sure why.

I've had enough of everything, I've had enough of everyone. I've had enough of not wanting to sleep, and yet being so desperate to sleep. I've had enough of nightmares at night, waking up D, and being completely unaware of having nightmares and waking up D.

I've had enough of trying to figure out people, and who and what they are to me. I've had enough of being desperate for company and wanting to be left alone.

I can't deal with having lots of small successes and yet it's still never enough for me.

I've had enough of this. I've had enough of living my life, unintentionally, as 2 people. I'm tired of this feeling of schizophrenia.

I'm so tired. Tired of everything. I really want out. Call me a quitter? Go ahead, I don't even care. Small things are happening..that's great. Things are maybe looking up, I should be pleased.

I can't shake this slump though. I hate to say any of this to anyone, because I know it makes me look ungrateful for any of the things that are happening now. But I don't want to be me anymore. I don't like this person. I don't like who I am, I don't like who I'm "supposed" to be.

Even though it's all self inflicted.

Lately I hate being a mom. Yes, I said it. But not because I don't love my boys. But because I forever feel I can do nothing right, and quite frankly, the job sucks. I've stopped seeing rewards because I'm working so hard on trying to keep everything else ticking over. I'm not even doing nearly as much as some other parents, so why the hell can't I even cope with what's on my plate?

I can't shake this. I can't shake any of it. I'm not strong enough to deal with it, and I don't want to deal with it any more. I seem to spend the best part of my life dealing with it.

I want out. I really want out. I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. Someone else do it. I don't want hugs. I don't want sympathy. I don't want "It'll get better". I don't want anything any more.

I just want out.
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9 Responses
  1. Gappy Says:

    Jay, I just wanted to let you know that I've read your post, and I hear what you're saying.

    I can empathise too.

  2. TheMadHouse Says:

    I am not sure if I should have e-mailed you this, but I decided to leave it in comments instead.

    I read this post and recognised the feelings so well and I am concerned. I have been where you are and it does and can get better, but you need to get some help.

    Ask for some help from someone close to you, it is the hardest thing to ask for help, but life is so so different now. I am a different person, I see the world differently, but it has taken quite a while to get where I am.

    Feel free to e-mail me or tweet me, I am more than happy to discuss things with you.

    So hold on, hold on to the though that this isnt how life needs to be, things can get better

  3. Cassandra Says:

    Love you.
    Just that... xxxxx

  4. Like Gappy, I just want to let you know I've read and I've listened.
    Truth be told I don't 'get' it. I have never felt like this and so would feel an utter fraud saying anything like 'you'll be OK' or 'chin up' or breaking out into song 'things, can only get better'.
    So I won't.
    I'll just say I've been here and am putting the hand of friendship on your shoulder. x

  5. april Says:

    I get it. I am there too. Thank you for being brave enough for saying it. Selfishly - you made me feel less alone. I get it. And I just bloody hope it'll pass

  6. Everything you've said, I recognise in myself, but I've never considered myself to have depression but that's because I already deal with one family member with depression.

    This will pass but it's a fucking rocky ride whilst it does - I'm being honest. Just try and be good to yourself and don't be too proud to ask for help.

    You're wonderful, Jay, and you make me cackle with laughter on Twitter, babe xx

  7. I hear ya, I get it and I'm right there with you. I feel exactly the same way. I have had a eureka moment just this week though...to accept and understand that I can't be a full time stay at home mum. I've tried but it just doesn't work for me and you know what I already feel like the dark clouds are lifting. I hope you find what it is you need real soon x

  8. Anonymous Says:

    Yep. Good advice here. Sorry to hear you're down. Ask for help: it's always there