@cosmicgirlie
Well, no, but saying "Have a break" was lame, so I stole the other part of that slogan.

Oh god, it's gonna be a weird one.

I dunno what's up with me. I think I'm spiralling towards another crisis. I don't think it's Slippery Slope...but it doesn't feel far off. There are just too many damn thoughts in my head, about everything, and oddly enough I'm preferring to keep them in than to let them out.

This, of course, is dangerous. I will totally fuck myself over if I don't get this shit out. Unfortunately, I seem to have become so self critical lately, I don't think I can even say what's on my mind "the right way".

I've become increasingly aware of people's perceptions on how we convey ourselves. We have to be grammatically correct, we must write beautifully, and we must interest others. As I've stated before, I do none of the above. I can't do any of the above, because it's not what I'm about. But I've realised lately, that suddenly I want to be heard. By anybody. Preferably by someone who's interested.

So in order to be heard, I wait.

I wait for the right time, to say the right thing, in order for the right person to hear me AND appreciate me.

Of course, this means I'll be waiting a very fucking long time.

Funnily enough, I partially blame twitter. There are an awful lot of people on there celebrating their achievements with others. I think this is fantastic. And also, there was once a time when I would have aspired to these people; to be like them, to be better than them; to achieve what they're doing and join the ranks of those who are succeeding.

Instead, I find myself shying away, taking annoying pity on myself (and trust me, it's fucking annoying) and wishing I could be as good as everyone else. Stupid thing is, I don't even know what it is I want to be good at any more.

Since the Classical Music rug was snatched from beneath my feet, and more and more "issues" come to light with my boys, I doubt myself and declare myself #FAIL in near enough everything I do. And it's driving me batshit.

"What about that photography malarky shit you had going on?" I hear you cry. Well, with every picture I take, I often think it's a load of shit. I don't take criticism well any more, so with every single piece of constructive criticism/feedback that came regarding my site, destroyed me a tiny little bit. Which is so fucking ridiculous, because people are trying to help me. And of course, I always appreciate help.

I just wish I knew how to accept it.

I'm thinking about taking a break. And by break, I mean no blogging, no twitter, no photography, nothing. Like, disappear off the planet for a while. I don't know how long a while is. Maybe a few days. Maybe a few weeks. No idea.

What's frustrating is I know that would be a really bad idea. If I lose contact with people right now, I'll start to dig deeper inside my head, and unearth the shit that I can't cope with right now (maybe not ever). Truth is, I need the help and support. I just don't know how to ask for it without being critical in return. It's all I've ever known, it's all I've ever done. Strive for the best, don't accept anything less. No one wants to know if you don't push hard 24/7. Only your best is good enough.

All that shit.

Which, unfortunately, stuck more than I'd have liked.

I wish I knew where I was going. I wish I knew what I could do. I wish I knew what or who to be.

I wish I was somebody.
13 Responses
  1. The Moiderer Says:

    Firstly knowing where you are going is an overrated concept! It is more important to live for the moment (sorry bout the cliche) but really you don't know what's coming along so all you can do is get the most out of right now, right this second. The moment one of your kids made you laugh. The moment you yelled "Cock" to Gordon Ramsay on twitter. Those are the moments.

    As for being somebody - you truly are. There is noone else like you. You are an entire world to your kids, you are an amazing photographer and why should you care what others think? What gives anyone else the right to know more than you or think they are better than you? If someone came up to you and said "I'm better than you ha", you'd tell them to F off!
    You are the most amazing person in your world and you combine that with loving each moment, taking photo's of those moments and sharing with your mass of online friends - then I reckon that makes you a pretty special somebody.


  2. Hear Hear to The Moiderer! Couldn't have put it better myself so I'll just say it again, Hear Hear.

    I'm new to your blog and think you have a wonderful writing style. Honest, open & fresh. Be kind to yourself, it feels awful now but it will get better.

    The period of, and leading up to, my Eldest Daugther's diagnosis of ADHD was my hardest as a parent. I felt like my heart would break for her and for me. It is something I find hard to talk about & will try to post about it one day.

    You are not alone, many other mothers have stood where you are now and those that haven't can still be supportive. Now I stand 4 years on the other side of a formal diagnosis I can promise you things get better and easier. I NEVER thought I'd be able to say that.

    MD xx


  3. Heather Says:

    'Instead, I find myself shying away, taking annoying pity on myself (and trust me, it's fucking annoying) and wishing I could be as good as everyone else. Stupid thing is, I don't even know what it is I want to be good at any more.'

    Oh I know this feeling so well! I have no great words of wisdom for you, sorry. But I do empathise.


  4. Fuck that. We all wish we were somebody. Even the somebodies wish that sometimes.
    We all feel like our shit isn't half as good as everyone elses and they've got their shit all together.
    When I get in one of these moods I remember something my Great-Aunt very harshly told me once: "You're not special enough to be the worst person in the world."
    It's true, though. I mean how narcissistic is it to think we're so horrible when we're just like everyone else.
    Because you can't "be your best" doesn't mean you're your worst. Or anyone's worst for that matter.
    You are an amazing photographer from what I've seen. You're a moving and well-crafted writer and I bet your music is astounding.
    And your a good mom. The bad moms are the ones who don't care. trust me, I see a lot of bad moms. We can fuck them over all we want as long as we care and it will turn out okay.


  5. Josie Says:

    Will you come see me soon? Promise? Because I need to do this comment in person.

    Don't you dare disappear on me girl xx


  6. Don't we all ;-)

    You are somebody. As all the posters have said before. And you stood out from the crowd when I first came across you on twitter!

    Take a break, or don't, whatever works for you. But always remember you are somebody.

    And the strive for the best thing? - I've always figured it was strive for *your* best, not *the* best. And that doesn't mean pushing hard 24/7.

    We all feel this way. Just some are better at expressing it, or hiding it, than others.


  7. We all can see the person you are without ever having met you.
    One day you will see it my lovely, until then you always always have us to support and help x
    Big sloppy kisses to you


  8. I wish I had something constructive to say to you. I will say one thing though... you're not just a voice in the crowd or a few words on Twitter or a blog that I just read - you're a brilliant person who has a lot on her plate at the moment and there are people out there (me included) that you can lean on if you need to xx


  9. Lorna Byrne Says:

    Hiya,

    Wish I could convey to you how great we all think you are. But I know that when things are hard, one thinks that everything one does is crap, or if you're just a person who has low self-confidence, much like myself. But I can assure you, nothing you do is crap. You're a great blogger, a great 'Twitterer', a great mother, and I'm pretty sure you're great at everything else too. You're a very special person and we'll all miss you if you took a break. Sending hugs your way - keep on 'keeping on' xx


  10. planb Says:

    I'm here for the first time and I'm flicking through the gallery but yours is the first blog I've sat and read through.

    So, if you need the validation, I can tell you that you do write well, and movingly, and you take awesome pictures.

    I hope though, that you will, somehow, decide that you don't need the validation, because you sound like an amazing person and hopefully you too will realise that soon.

    xxx

    ps sorry for crass comment about being a cellist on your gallery post. That appears maybe to be a sore subject so really sorry if it was a stupd thing to say.


  11. Ok you're all fucking awesome. And annoyingly, you're all right. Some damn good advice, I really hope I can take as much as poss on board.
    Thank you all so much
    xxxx


  12. Beth Says:

    Ok, not really sure what I set out to say, but I'm a new visitor, and I like what I read.

    Chin up, it's tough but you can get through. ((HUGS))


  13. april Says:

    me too hon, can empathise with all of that - I get it - and I think you know i do - so *hugs* and PLEASE don't dissapear - honestly your tweets make me smile because they are REAL because you don't "try" and because you are bloody hilarious at times and all honestly (and I've been a crap commentor of late) I would feel much less normal without your blog - so , completly selfishly, please don't go, 'k?
    xx