Showing posts with label The Nanny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Nanny. Show all posts
Challenge Accepted
@cosmicgirlie
I've done Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday flying solo. D has been working early (from like, 4am ACK) so from when they first wake up to about tea time, the challenge to manage the boys is on.

For the most part it's been fine. Apart from on Tuesday, when I put my phone in my back pocket as normal, to try to keep it away from Noah (who likes to keep handing me the phone, and gets pissed when I put it down; I'm yet to understand this). Went to change Isaac's nappy on the floor (you know, for the fun of it) and on removing the phone from my pocket, the screen was an array of spectacular blobs and colours. Broken LCD. Juussssst greeeeaaaaat.

And I confess whenever Noah starts whining, and Isaac starts screaming, I do struggle not to scream and whine right back at them. But I haven't cried yet (Yet! I said YET!) and I got them to playgroup on Tuesday...and we're hopefully going to sort out my phone this afternoon...and I might even get to the park tomorrow (weather pending).

Like I said before, I know there are moms who do this all the time and don't bat an eyelid. They have like, millions of kids, and they just take each day in their stride. Any mom who does that, just gets on with it, I totally admire.

As I said before, I have such little faith in myself, and while my hips and pelvis are starting to show marked improvement (thanks to private physio and chiropractor session at £40 for half an hour - ouch...) I'm obviously still loathe to go over board and end up making them worse again.

I think it's helped that Noah's starting to show improvement with his all night coughing; I took him to the Dr's on Monday afternoon and they've now given him an inhaler to use before he goes to bed. It's a struggle, but it seems to be helping a little. Not so great that they both like to wake up around 5:30 a.m. But at least they're both in bed by 7p.m.

I don't know. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want the Nanny back; the house is a mess and there's laundry seemingly everywhere, and I could just do with 5 minutes to do some more work, and I'd like to sneak out to Subway for lunch and whatever. But for all my self doubting, I don't think I'm doing too bad a job actually.
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Stamina
@cosmicgirlie
This week, and next week, the Nanny is on holiday. I was planning on spending the first week sobbing helplessly at my crap skills being a mom of two. I also expect to spend some time feeling considerably overwhelmed with it all, and hating myself and all my inabilities by the end of, say, Tuesday.

I'm not exactly scared, as it were, but I have an awful lot of self-doubt. Now I know there are literally millions of moms out there who deal with two or more children every single day, on their own, and they get on with it and do a fab job.

I often feel pathetic and useless. I get so frustrated as soon as the shit starts to hit the fan, and sometimes it's all I can do to stop myself from putting the boys somewhere safe in the house and going to sit in the car to just cry for a while.

As ever, I just want to do the best for them. But I know things won't always run smoothly. I know more often than not, the shit will (most probably and quite literally) hit the fan. Noah has been vile for the last few days; and he's had a cough (again) for coming up just over three weeks. It's driving us all nuts, including him. He's tired, he's cranky, his eating is completely out the frigging window (and there's a whole other post) and yet you can see the frustration in the way he's being. Oddly enough, I truly believe he doesn't want to be thoroughly unpleasant. And incidentally, he's still got one more molar to come through before his mouth starts to look anything like normal again.

I knew things wouldn't be easy having two very demanding children. Isaac behaves very much like Noah did, having only very short (and few) cat naps of around 10 - 20 minutes, and his longest nap is usually just as Noah's getting up from his nap. Of course I didn't expect them to be synced together; for me that's ridiculous wishful thinking. But he's also very much the "upright" kid. He normally sleeps on his front but has taken to rolling on his back at every opportunity, and has only just figured out rolling onto his front again. And getting him to sleep is interesting, given that there is just TOO MUCH going on in the world. Too. Frigging. Much.

I'm hoping to get out the house every day if I can. I've been having tons of physio for my hip and pelvis and it's working amazingly (thank GOD) and having had an MRI scan last week, we should hopefully see some clear indications of what else can be done. So mobility-wise, I'm getting somewhere (pun intended).

Meh. I suspect I'll have died by Wednesday.
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A Whole New Poopgate
@cosmicgirlie
Sometimes, when you're sitting around and chatting, you say things which of course, you don't mean literally. For example, "Slap my belly with a soggy cucumber and call me Terry McGee, I wish I had my own personal rain cloud so I could shower whenever I liked".

So today, whilst sitting with Mrs. Nanny, Noah and feeding Isaac, Mrs. Nanny and I were talking about how well behaved Noah had been, and how his tantrums had been quite minimal, in comparison to the colossal earthquakes we'd been used to. I replied saying "Yeah, and I bet when you leave at 5:15, about 5 minutes later the shit will hit the fan".

We laughed, we speculated, we joked some more. And at 5:15, Mrs. Nanny left, while I sat on the sofa nursing Isaac on old Lefty, with Noah cuddled next to me. Was so lovely.

5:20 Isaac finished feeding.

5:21 Isaac pulled a peculiar face and strained a little.

5:22 My right hip became very warm.

5:24 Still wondering whether what I thought had happened, had really happened.

5:26 Noah jumped up, signing for food and then suddenly pointed at the yellow trail of crap which was running between down the nursing pillow, across the top of my trousers and on to the sofa.

5:27 I pick up Isaac, still wondering what the fuck was going to be the best way to deal with the situation; he promptly barfs straight down my vest, into my bra, down himself, and over most of what we were wearing.

5:28 Tweeted it on twitter. Obviously.

5:29 Noah signing frantically for food while also trying to drag the nursing pillow out of the room; the nursing pillow covered in Isaac's fast moving, questionable smelling, very yellow crap.

5:30 Put Isaac in the changing table on his cot, somehow peeled off my vest and trousers, took the covers off the pillows, put Noah in his chair, heated up his tea (old fail-safe lamb and sweet potato with breadsticks), over heated it so he got impatient and was practically scream-signing for food (never seen a kid willingly smack his own face so hard).

5:32 Prided myself on getting reasonably sorted. And wondered whether I got some of the crap in my hair.* Noah started chowing on his food anyway (you know the boy actually says "nommm noommm nommmm" while he's eating? Awesome).

5:33 Went back to Isaac, discovered he had barfed again, all over himself, the changing table and projectiled it into the cot. Changed nappy, changing mat, wiped him down fast as possible.

5:35 Called Mrs. Nanny and informed her of the good news, that apparently things CAN COME TRUE.

5:40 Cleaned up Isaac, put him on his front on the sofa surrounded by pillows (where he promptly barfed again). Grabbed the nursing pillow, went to the front door in my bra and pants, frantically waving at D (who at just pulled up on the drive) to get the fuck in the house as FAST AS POSSIBLE. Go upstairs to wash pillow in the bath.

5:50 Return downstairs to find Noah happily eating his tea, and D and Isaac sitting on the sofa deep in conversation like nothing ever happened.

It's a good job I can take the shit with the cute, right?




*I still haven't checked. I'm guessing no.
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Let's Be Honest Here.
@cosmicgirlie
I am just not cut out for this. I was never made to be a mother, I am not mother material, I can barely cope with one kid, I do NOT see how the hell I an cope with two. I have all the help I can possibly get and yet O still feel like a fucking failure. Noah has ben fine with his grandparents all day, he comes home and is fine, and the second I sit him down to eat, he screams and throws things at me. Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve that?

He's barely eaten all day, he's had practically no dinner (apart from a handful of crisps - oh what a great mother am I) and if he plays up at diner and doesn't eat, he gets no dessert. Which obviously makes me look like the evil mom (I just can't afford to have him grow up on crap alone)

And now I'm fucking crying, for fucks sake. Can someone please tell me how the hell I'm supposed to turn myself around and suddenly just "adapt" to this whole thing that I blatantly cannot do? I can't deal with this. I think about going to sleep and not waking up for months, and just letting everyone else deal with all the shit instead of me. I sometimes think it would just do everyone a too; no one would have to listen to me whine, Noah wouldn't hate me, everyone could just get on and life would be so much easier for all without me and my over-complicated, over-anal, overly-thought-out ways of dealing with everything.

As I sat there with Noah screaming directly into my face, having just hurled yet another plate/bowl/spoon at me, I wondered how much does he hate me. And it sucks to sit there wondering if your kid who is no where NEAR being a teenager absolutely hates favour you, and how the hell did things just escalate so badly anyway?

I hate feeling like a failure, and it terrifies me so much that I'm going to have to feel all of this again with another kid. Why would I put anyone through this? Why should I make another kid suffer already? I always wondered about moms who gave up their kids, and it pains me to say it but sometimes I can see why. I feel like I'm raising some kind of monster who just finds it easier not to be around his neurotic mother.

Lately all I seem to do is shout at him, Noah no touch, Noah no throw, Noah come away, Noah dangerous - no wonder the kid hates me. He probably thinks all fun and games must stop every time he sees me.

It's great that we have Nanny to help us out, but I'm now terrified that it's going to get to the point where he'd rather spend all his time with her. I'm also betting that most of you already saw this coming. I can see it now; D brings Noah downstairs, sees me and Nanny, screams at me and then clings to her. She's so great with him; she gets to do all the things I so desperately want to do, without the added hassle of having to be the ultimate disciplinarian and being the one that always come down on him like a ton of bricks if he's naughty.

And what the hell happens when T.O.O. comes along in 5 weeks time? When Noah spends more time with Nanny, and he realises that actually, life is great when his mum isn't around and he can just do whatever?

I wonder if this is post natal depression. I wonder if this is pregnancy hormones. I also wonder if this is exhaustion in its finest form. I think potentially all of the above, which then leads me to wonder how the hell am I supposed to be a good mother? I have only had Noah for 2 hours today, and already I'm not sure I want to be around him any more today. I can't cope with him. I can't deal with him. I admit defeat - he's too much for me. I'm too weak to deal with him, that's all there is to it.

The honest truth. I'm so not made to be a mom. And that pisses me off severely, because being a failure really stinks.
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Catch Up
@cosmicgirlie
Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 32+6 days
Month: 8
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 31 weeks
Time to Go: 49 days
Size: NOT an adult. In my opinion.
Time til Growth Scan: 17 days

You are all wonderful, wonderful people. I want to thank you all so much for your caring love and support after my last post. I expected to get flamed to hell and told to get the hell over myself, but instead I was reminded by how awesome people can be. I'm so glad you're out there (wherever you are) and you'll never know how much your support means to me.

Thank you.

And also, the Nanny. Sweet god in heaven, the Nanny.

Can someone please tell me why we never did this months ago?

She's so helpful, it's untrue! It was so nice to finally not have to stress about every little thing going on in the house, and desperately trying to stay on top of everything (in that lovely endearing anal way that I do, ya know?). I know everyone says I should just rest, and let the housework go, etc, but if we did that I suspect we'd drown in crap.

More than anything, it's so nice to see Noah get to play around properly in the lounge, and get to go out for walks, and go out to the shops, and not spend the entire day suffering cabin fever with his mother.

Ok sods law he has a cold now, and FOF is in full flow (I managed to get snot in his ear trying to wipe his face, that was a treat), and he feels like shit, and he seems to like waking up at 5:30am and NOT going back to sleeeep, but I DON'T care - he's clearly a happier boy in the daytime, and so is great fun in the evenings when his Dad comes home.

I suppose I find it a little weird sometimes having someone else look after my kid almost all the time, and doing the things that I can't do (but so desperately want to). When they went out on Friday for the afternoon I had no idea what to do with myself and after an hour I REALLY missed him, but I know it's not fair to keep him locked up in the lounge the whole time. 

And I still get my cuddles. Although lately he obviously can't reach quite so well round my middle, so he either uses T.O.O. as a pillow or just hugs my head instead.




I'm having a bit of a sucky time with T.O.O; I'm a little paranoid it's going to be breech or something, I've never known a baby move around so much. I'm obviously glad that it's moving, and Christ does it throw a punch or kick every so often. Lately it feels like it may have started to drop, but somehow it's still able to spin around on it's head. Kinda like a breakdancing baby, if you will.

One thing I've noticed is that it's also more difficult to work out what position it's actually in; maybe because of the whole extra fluid thing, maybe cos it doesn't stay there long enough; I don't know. Both D and I don't have a great feeling about this one, and suspect I'll either be early or will end up in hospital for whatever reason.

Cos hospital is ALWAYS fun. Right?

ETA: I've just been reminded of the previous hospital episode. If I do go in, please send food. And sanity. Oh, and someone else's arms.
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