A rage. A jealous rage.
I didn't see it coming, but oddly enough I half expected it.
All around me, people are doing amazing things. I have admiration for all of them, I really do. Every day, I learn about something awesome that someone else has done, or is doing, or whatever. I see the tweets, I read the status updates, I check my emails, I see the messages.
And I feel rage. A horrible, jealous rage.
In fact, if I just got off my lazy arse and tried to achieve something myself, I wouldn't have anything to whine about.
If I just got off my lazy arse, it would be a start.
If I just stopped saying "IF" and faced up to procrastinating like a dumbass, things would probably be significantly better.
I wonder if much of this stems from growing up trying to be the best at everything I can do, whilst never being good enough. The things that mattered to me, that counted, I worked so incredibly hard for. But it was never enough. So somewhere along the line, I started doing everything I could to please everyone else; to show them all that actually, I can be someone. Look, I am someone.
So what's holding me back now? Why don't I just go out there and say "Hell yeah, I can do that, just watch me."
I don't like to be competitive. But I want to be up there with the best of them.
I don't want people to think I'm arrogant. But I want to show the world what I can do.
I don't want to be in people's faces all the time. But I want recognition and respect.
I don't want to be dictated by everyone else. But feel like I flounder without help.
It's all so stupid it doesn't even make the slightest bit of sense. I know what I want, but don't see how it's possible without being really awkward.
I hurt this week. For some reason, I'm feeling more and more like an epic fail, with no particularly good reason. Once again, I set standards astronomically high, way beyond a place where I could ever hope or even dream to reach them. No one else puts this pressure on me, I do it to myself. And every day, I wish to god I could stop.
Because for once, just once, I'd like to be really happy with what I can actually do.