I'm struggling. I'm struggling with everything. I'm terrified of everything too. And I have no idea how I'm going to cope. If these hormones don't leave me the fuck alone soon, I'm scared I'm going to die. I know that sounds SOOOO dramatic, but I actually mean it.

I have a confession. And it's a big confession, one that I haven't voiced seriously for a while but it's worrying me so much.

Lately I've thought about harming myself again. Like I did when I was 19 - 22, and going through the worst 3 years ever endured. They were so bad, and I spent so much of it in a drugged up, antidepressant trance, I don't actually remember that much of it. But I do remember how I felt.

Lately I think about waiting until the baby is born, then taking a large dose of sleeping tablets, just like I used to, and then I'd never have to wake up to this hideous recurring nightmare of fear, paranoia, anger and frustration. Sometimes I think maybe I won't wait til it's born, but find some way to induce myself. or even more hilarious, take myself to hospital and beg for an induction, and then just get it over with. There're plenty of people who would look after Noah and T.O.O. and help out D.

You know what? I remember listening to conversations about people who would harm themselves, and the general outcome was that it was always selfish or a way of seeking attention. How about this for reverse psychology - having heard that makes me want to do it even more. I feel like as long as I'm around being this miserable and not being strong enough to find someway to cope actually makes me selfish, and that I'd be doing the world a favour. As for seeking attention? No I don't want any attention I think. I just want escape from what feels like a horrible, vile, living nightmare.

Someone recently (albeit in jest) said "get a grip". I appreciate that it was in jest, but a part of me wonders if indeed that's what I should be doing, and if so, how the hell am I supposed to do it. I can not face going back on meds. They were actually soul destroying. They made me feel like I was on a different planet and I couldn't cope with that on top of everything else right now. I've tried counseling, and it was a complete and utter waste of time. I don't think I'd ever felt so patronised, ever. Waste. Of. Time.

Which seems to me to leave the options of "get a grip", or...what. I don't know.

There are too many things going on at the mo. I feel full of hate for so many things, and I hate to think what that might be doing to the baby. Hey, look, more guilt! I've been thinking about my "career" as a musician, and have come to the conclusion that I'm done. I don't want to play cello any more. I've played for 24 years, and have gotten to the point where quite frankly, I'm really, REALLY tired of people shitting on me, when I'm really not so sure that I deserved it.

Christ I'm even doubting myself and questioning my own actions even though I did nothing wrong...

Over the last, maybe, 5 years, more and more people seem to be getting a real kick out of making me feel incredibly shit where music is concerned. I hate playing now. And I get the feeling that my lack of participation in various orchestras is making a lot of people a whole lot happier. The same can be said for having worked for DPA. I don't know if I'm harbouring some major paranoia (probably yes), but i wonder if I should ever even have applied for that job in the first place. I sometimes feel like I worked my absolute ass off for people. And yet, I still got shat on.

So right now I hate my cello. I don't miss playing it at all. In fact to be quite honest, people have had so little faith in me, I'm not even sure I can still play it, or why I bothered to carry on for as long as I did.

I have other ideas on my possible change in career, but with these kinds of doubts going on, I don't even feel like I could voice them without being ridiculed. So I'm going to hang on to those thoughts for now and see what happens when T.O.O. is born.

Who knows. Maybe I should just "get over it". I remember someone else saying that to me, many years ago. "Why can't you just cheer up?" they said. "Why can't you just get over it and be happy for once?" Sadly, that person has since suffered depression. I think I may have helped them through their depression a bit. I know I certainly tried to help them, offering advice when they asked for it, being as supportive as I possibly could, whilst dealing with my own colossal amount of crap. And I hope I helped, because I would never wish this on anybody. Shame now, that that person is one of the ones who decided to crap on me recently.

I'm bitter, I'm sad, upset, tired, frustrated, angry, confused and I don't know where the hell to go next from here. People keep turning to me like I'm supposed to have all the answers to fix this. To sort Noah out. To make sure the birth goes ok. To make sure my relationship with D is ok. I have no more answers, I have no more strength, and I feel like I have reached the end. Which makes me feel like a failure.

It's a sad state of affairs when I wonder about my future, and whether I have one, once this baby is born. I only hope to god that whatever happens, no one will suffer as a result of my actions. Because it's bad enough hurting myself, let alone hurting anyone else.
3 Responses
  1. Kelly Says:

    Jay, I am so sorry you're feeling so miserable. I really am. For one thing, you won't harm yourself. why? well for one thing you just blogged about it in great honesty, which is not what someone does who is going to do something to herself.

    I know that all of our voices are just "wah wah wah" sounds that you hear as though your head was in a jar. But it IS soooooooo much the hormones. and while that seems so trite and cliche and patronizing, its totally true. They are no joke, those hormones. And they may well bother you postpartum too and I want you to make sure you talk to the stupid doctor at the loathsome hospital about taking something if necessary. You're not going to need to be drugged into an oblivion...but you may need a kick start to get back on level ground.
    Please know that I am here for you. there is no judgement here. maybe some annoying advice but really, if you're going to get annoying advice, you may as well get the best. *cocky hair toss*.
    I am concerned about you. I'm glad you posted this because I think its a good sign.

    Try not to worry about all the how to's right now. One thing at at time. You don't really need a bunch of answers. you just need to be honest with yourself every day.

    It IS the hormones. and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I recently found myself with alot of time on my hands so call me or email me or something if you need to.


  2. Gerry Says:

    Hey Janet,
    So sorry you are feeling bad. Our lives would be so much less if you hadn't been in it. My life was enriched by the short time you were around in it and I get strength even today from the memories I have. You are still in my life even though it is in cyberspace. Please be strong and know that many people value you and know how talented and wonderful you are. Take care

  3. A Says:

    lady - i KNOW you are an awesome woman. don't you forget it! you are strong as hell and you are honest and you fight for the things you know are right!

    your hubby and little noah are extremely blessed to have you in their lives!

    hang in there and please know that you've got friends everywhere that are pulling for you and friends that know what an outstanding woman /wife/mother you are!