Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 31+6 days
Month: 8
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 30 weeks
Time to Go: 56 days
Size: Smaller than my car
Time til Growth Scan: 24 days

I have no idea what this post will achieve. I suspect most of the people I need to read this post won't ever read it. But recent events have made me feel like I should justify why we have a Nanny, and clarify SPD.

So let's talk SPD, because that pretty much clears up everything.

SPD (Symphisis Pubis Dysfunction) is fucking awful. I'm not saying it just because I have it, I'm saying it because it plain, straight out, fucking sucks. I've known three other people who have had it, and I'm hoping they're reading this and will leave a comment at the end. They don't have to say who they are, and they can be anonymous. I don't care, but I need to know that someone else out there understands.

If there's one thing I'm tired of, it's people making no effort to try to understand what it's like. People don't even understand why I'm struggling to even get out of the house. Maybe I'm not as strong as those people. Maybe I don't have as much stamina. Maybe, sometimes when I try to stand up and walk, and can't because my pelvis buckles and I fall to the floor, and I end up crawling across the floor in tears from the sheer fucking agony that absolutely cripples me, shows that I'm a punk-ass bitch when it comes to pain, and am just not cut out for this.

But you know what hurts the most that a lot of people will never understand? Is how this affects Noah. Or how it affects me with Noah.

I know those three friends of mine, if they're reading this, may see where I'm going.

I'm told not to lift heavy weights. I'm told to rest as much as possible. I'm warned that the more I exert myself now, the more long term damage could be caused and the longer the healing process after T.O.O. is born. So to tell me that I should just "overcome" picking up Noah, is a little bit of a slap in the face, and it pisses me right off.

When I'm faced with my gorgeous, loving, happy little boy who just wants to be picked up and have a cuddle from his mum, in the back of my mind I wonder how much damage I'm causing to myself. Call me selfish? Go ahead. I fucking dare you.

But I have to think about my well-being, because without my well-being, my children WILL. SUFFER. Depression has already stolen several months of normality away from me. I'm not about to let SPD do that too.

Do you know how much it can wrench at your heart when your kid peers up at you or come flops himself on your lap and wants to be picked up and you can't freaking do it? Not because you don't want to, but simply because you just can't do it? Not having the strength to move your position slightly to accommodate your kid?

So now you're thinking "well you knew it wasn't going to be easy having two kids, or even being pregnant with a kid under one. so what are you whining for?". That's the fucking point. I whine because I'm suffering the shitty pain of trying to look after my boy. Of course I knew it wouldn't be easy, I'm not some kind of dip-shit.

But you know what? Don't insult me. Don't patronise me. Don't underestimate me. I'm trying my fucking hardest to make sure that Noah has the best upbringing possible, and I'm doing it in every way that is possible to me at this time. Just because other people do things that I can't right now, does not make me any less of a mother to my boy, or to my unborn child.

And also, to those people who like to pass judgement on my situation, perhaps they should take a look at their own lives and children, before they bring their holier-than-thou opinion to my doorstep.

We have a Nanny (who starts tomorrow, and screw you, I am so fucking pleased) to help us ALL out. To help me with Noah, around the house and when T.O.O. comes along and D is busy working his ass off to make sure we're all ok. To help Noah stay happy, to see to his needs that I can't meet at this time, and to make sure that he doesn't ever have to go without. She is coming to help SUPPORT us all.

I know everyone has an opinion. I also know that not everyone understands what the hell I've just gone on about. Some may not understand where I'm coming from. If you'd like to put forth your opinion, then seriously, please do. I always read comments, and though I may not always respond, I will never delete them and always appreciate them, good or bad.

But what I would appreciate right now, more than anything, is your support and an attempt at understanding. Because this is hard enough already.
11 Responses
  1. CrazyOnYou Says:

    Screw the people who don't want to understand. Having a child is a miracle and sometimes miracles take a lot of work.

    You know your situation and Noah better than anybody else possibly could. Your worrying about how this affects him just proves how great a mother you are and will continue to be.

    My wife had a complete hysterectomy after our second was born because the endometriosis kept coming back. For a few weeks she couldn't do *any* lifting and I had to help out. That's what friends and loved ones are supposed to do, help out. I never thought of her as weak because frankly I wasn't sure that I could have withstood the pain that she did on a daily basis.

    If I could babe, I'd pay for the nanny myself. Just relax, let her do her thing and know that you're making a great decision for both you and your children.

    Much love,


  2. Kelly Says:

    you know, I don't recall anyone ever having a mother who was super human. In the end, when your kids are older and they even remotely understand what you go through, it will make them stronger people and they will admire you for it and have a heart for other people who suffer. When I was pregnant and really sick and icky, Cliff sort of grasped it and he got it. And he still remembers. Noah is just so young.
    I can't imagine who is criticizing you. I will haul my yankee ass over there and put the smack down...you just say the word girl!
    I am sorry you are suffering. Please reassure yourself that the important thing is that Noah is loved and taken care of. The fact that you can't heave him around is not affecting either of those things. He is a secure and happy child and that is what is important. He knows you love him.
    I sure hope you get a nanny that you don't have to read all the directions to. good luck. keep us posted.
    my housekeeper quit LOL. actually there was 2 of them and one sold the biz to the other so I still have one. But it was the lead lady that quit (due to divorce and moving). I quite like the new lady (who is not new if this makes sense). Since she's been solo the house looks great!! she's really shy and hard to talk to, but hey! one thing at a time.
    So I'm hoping you luck out in the nanny way!
    I have been listening to Lily Allen. Are you familiar. She has a song called "fuck you" and its the catchiest most fabulous fucking song ever!!!! EVAH! lol
    if you have not heard it, you must find it. I know about whom it was written (our former Commander in Chief, whom I actually have some residual amount of respect for) but I would love to sing it to every person I encounter who annoys me.
    really. listen to this song.
    oh my point was that when I listen to this album Lily Allen's accent is very clear and when I sing along I mimic it and I think about you. LOL
    so when I say things like "I quite like my new housekeeper" its actually said with a virtual accent in your honor.

  3. Wendy Says:

    Girl. I can only imagine what you're going through right now. But I know how hard it was to be pregnant when you've already got one. It was even worse with the last one. There wasn't anything wrong with me, besides being pregnant that is, but I didn't have the energy to spend time with the other two. And everything hurt all the time. So I get it a little.

    The bad thing about Noah is he's only 1. Yes, he wants you to pick him up, but you *know* you can't. The best thing is he's 1. lol. He's never going to remember that his mom couldn't hold him. I know it sucks right now, and it hurts to see him, but sweetie it's going to get better. I promise! Just hang in there for a couple of more months (plus healing time, I know.).

    And anyone who doesn't sypathize, or offer to help you when you know they can and should, they are the ones who'll suffer for it. I'm sure it has destroyed your relationship with them.

    I've got to tell you too, I think you're stronger that you realize. You're pregnant and you have a 1yo. You're holding your family together. You doing what it takes to make it. That's strength, honey.

    I hope you feel better (physically and mentally) soon. I think having the nanny will help a lot.

  4. Young Momma Says:

    I really don't quite under stand what SPD (is that what it was?) is... but I know that you sound like your having a hard time of it. So (((hugs))) and nothing in that makes you sound like a bad mom in any way. It makes you sound like your doing everything within your power to do exactly what you and your family needs. And that makes you an awesome, mom, wife and person. :)

  5. Cass Says:

    Ive just read your blog and hell did it make my cry!!!
    (The first day of term alcohol consumption may have been a factor in this, but even so, it really tugged at my heart strings)

    Just wanted to know that I think you are amazing! Youre an amazing Mum, and anyone who thinks they have the right to judge anything you do is a complete fucking idiot!

    I dont know how you made it through one pregnancy with the SPD (not that I know what it feels like, but hey I flinch just picking my smudgy eyebrows, sad but true) let alone two. And I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be for you now - especially with Dave being away. I cant even look after myself, let alone an adorable toddler, plus a soon to be adorable t.o.o, with the whole SPD (which sounds like hell, thats all I know really).

    You need to make decisions for you and yours, and ignore any stupid opinionated idiot that thinks they know better. They dont. Only you know what is right, and I really think you do.

    And I know Ive said it before, but I really mean it - if you need anything at all you know where I am. Im good for ranting at, providing chocolate or all sorts of things (although probably not changing nappies... erch!) And Im not that far away. So please please do not hesitate to call/shout/yell/scream/rant if you need... Im always here :)

    Really hope new Nanny is good tomorrow - crossing fingers and toes and stuff for you (might even say a prayer, although not sure how much i believe in that stuff nowerdays...)

    And dont forget - You are AMAZING. You are an AMAZING mum. And you have an AMAZING little boy (plus t.o.o) for those exact reasons.

    Big big hugs, and everything else besides.....

  6. Anonymous Says:

    No one is judging you. You're doing an excellent job. Fekkin ell, you're doing the best job you can, plus some.

  7. Blatter Says:

    You are a really wonderful blogger. You inspire me. Thank you.

  8. Michelle Says:

    Who on earth is judging you?! May I have their addresses? ;o) Seriously, you tell em - it must be so hard to stand up for yourself when your energy has already been completely zapped, but you just did a great job.

    I can hardly believe you've been going through all this *without* a nanny for so long! I hope she's being a massive help to you and that you're getting on well together.

    If I lived a bit nearer I'd love to come and support you in practical ways but sadly I'll have to stick to words of encouragement from this distance. I 100% agree with you: there's a massive difference between 'selfish' and 'sensible'. I just wanted to say that because it's so easy to be influenced by peoples' negative comments and start thinking 'maybe I am being selfish'... But your decisions are not at all selfish because they're rational and you'd advise any mother to do the same, so keep believing that!

    You're one of the strongest people I know and, whilst you might not feel like it right now, from this perspective you look stronger than ever. You're inspirational.

    Big hugs and RESPECT! xxx

  9. Anonymous Says:

    Hey. I am one of those that you mentioned in your blog who also suffered the lovely SPD. I did read one of the comments that said that they didn’t know what SPD is. Well!! Your pelvis is made up of 2 bones, side by side, that are held together at the front and back by ligaments. In pregnancy all woman’s ligaments become soft in all areas of the body to prepare for housing your baby and for the dreaded birth. In some (unlucky people) the ligaments that hold the pelvis together soften a little too much and your pelvis can twist and move causing pain. Nice eh!!
    I started suffering with SPD when I was about 4 months pregnant, and started to notice a pain when I turned over in bed. This pain over a couple of weeks turned into agony. Luckily I had a good midwife who knew the signs and I got referred to a physio. A sexy girdle was the starting point for me. I basically wrapped it around my pelvis, the idea is that it holds your pelvis together. It was blisssss! But sadly not enough, I moved onto crutches and then into a wheelchair. I was in a wheelchair for about 2-3 months.
    I think that it is hard for other people to understand that pain that you feel and that is why they can be so judgmental (especially since not all people get it in pregnancy). I was even told that some midwives do not believe in it. (Well they could come and see me, and I would be happy to tell them all about it!!).
    I found it really hard (without already having a child). I couldn’t even get myself dressed. My husband had to help me put my trousers and socks on, not because of the bump but because I was in agony in bending over. I could even stand to do the dishes.
    I was told that you can see an osteopath who can help (not sure how!) and the pain is supposed to go away as soon as you have your baby.
    I still have pains now and again but I have been told that may be due to forceps delivery.
    I just want to say that people are judgemental about everything, but if something feels right for you to do (i.e. getting a nannie) then who cares! You have your reasons so stick by them. Most of the time I think that you will find that people are jealous or just clueless.
    It is the main reason why my hubby and me have decided to wait until our little’un is a bit older.
    Hang on in there, at least you know that the end result is worth it (and whatever you do, and however painful it gets, don’t do as I did and get induced, stick with it)
    Use and abuse all of the help that you can get and stuff everyone else.
    L xx

  10. Do people seriously judge you? I am saddened and shocked! You're doing a brilliant job! You're a mommy, you make sure Noah has the best upbringing possible. So you need a little support... who doesn't? It's no crime and good on you for getting it and not just struggling on which would affect your kids more in the long run. Not being able to pick up your son for a few weeks will have no detrimental affect on him in the future, and I'm sure you'll more than make up for it when you're feeling better. I'm sure you have other ways of giving him affection and attention.

    You're doing a fab job. TOO will be here soon and then you'll be able to forget your SP and get on with normal life again.

    Good luck! xx

  11. jen Says:

    Here's another of your fellow SPD sufferers checking in. As you know, I had a tough time from 30 weeks, and did all my baby shopping with my sister pushing me around in a wheelchair.
    You tell me who's been unsupportive, I'll break their pelvis for them and let them get a tiny inkling how it feels. Except their broken pelvis will ONLY take 6 WEEKS to get over!!!
    Your blog made me cry too. The main reason was that M & I want another baby, and I'm scared about going through all that pain again (and another emergency caesarean?...) so soon. I say soon- J's 9 months old now.
    You are SO brave, and you're such a great Mum. You're an absolute inspiration. Having a Nanny to help you out is the best possible thing to do. Hope she's amazing!!!
    Even more love than normal. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx