I think I'm empty. I have nothing to say. There isn't anything I want to say. I feel a little bit dead. Which makes me feel a little bit better. Because it means I have less to deal with.


Maybe if I could just become completely empty, like, have nothing of me left, then I can stop worrying. I can stop caring, which means I can stop hurting.

I remember this feeling well. It's such an effort to speak. To communicate. It's such an effort to lift my hands to type. To breathe. To listen.

I feel sick a lot. I suppose that's a good thing some would say. I don't know why. It hurts to breathe. I wish it wouldn't. I wish I could just not have to breathe. I remember that feeling. I remember feeling like I could just lie there and stop breathing. It was easy. I'd just stop. But then something in me (reflex? Maybe? I don't know) would force me to take another breath. And another.

I remember hating myself for that. Hating myself for not being able to make my body do what I wanted it to.

It hurts to breathe right now.
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3 Responses
  1. Cassandra Says:

    Hunny, Im so so sorry you feel like this right now, this post bought tears to my eyes, it must have been so hard to write (and the last one) but I am so glad you did.
    I wish I knew what to say or do to help, even a little.
    Are you talking to anyone? If not then maybe you should be? Family or friend perhaps? Maybe a professional, I dont know. I know youve had terrible experiences of professionals in the past, maybe it would be different this time? I dont know. I just dont want to to feel alone in this, even if alone is perhaps what you want right now. Keep writing if it helps, I know that you advising me to do that helped me so much last year, I probably wouldnt be where I am now if it wasnt for that and I will always be so grateful to you.
    I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had the answers. But I dont and Im so so sorry for that.
    Please keep in touch when you feel you can. Im here, always xxxxxx

  2. Kelly Says:

    I have only "dabbled" in depression from time to time but it is agonizing and I hated it so much. It was excruciating. My husband has dealt with it much more than I have and so I know a bit about it from a 2nd hand perspective. I know how hard it is to talk about it when all you want to do is NOT talk and NOT do anything and NOT BE.

    I wish i could help. I don't remember what you've told me/us about your previous experiences with "professionals" but you can't let yourself slip too far down the hole, Jay. I know you don't care but we do.

    This is hard because there is NOTHING that anyone can say to really talk you out of feeling depression. Its real and its a bitch. I am praying for you right now.

    Love you. keep writing if that's all you can bring yourself to do, ok?

    Mercury finally goes direct (did today) so when this effect passes maybe you will notice a change in your energy. grasping at straws and planets for hope. ;)


  3. *hugs*

    I've had my fair share of battles with depression. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.

    Just remember - no matter what the monster tells you, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.