I'm fully aware that I spend an awful lot of time bitching and whining in my posts. I do it an awful lot, possibly far too much. And I'm not sure why.

What I do know, is that lately I've come to realise I'm quite possibly, the most ridiculously insecure person I know. I front all the time, mostly because I can't face my own problems. And then when I do bring up a problem, and someone offers their advice, I bitch and moan back at them, telling them they don't know shit and that I should just learn it my way, in a way that works for me (but doesn't, because I'm totally ballsing it up).

I hate so much about myself right now, and it's driving me over the fucking edge. Every single day, I see something else to complain about. There are a million things right at this very minute, as I sit here typing, that are driving me batshit.

Noah won't nap. His nap times are all messed up. People bring him home late/get him down late/so he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. I have no idea when Isaac "should" nap. He also has a cold and is barfing everything up that enters his mouth. Barfing it up, with copious amounts of F.O.F.

My hips/pelvis/tail bone still hurt. A lot. I can't afford private physio any more. I'm waiting for the hospital to send an appt for NHS physio.

I feel every day I am failing as a human being, forget about even failing as a mom. I have no backbone; people walk all over me lately. I've become weak. I forever worry about PND. There have been so many occasions, especially lately, when a bottle of sleeping tablets has never looked more appealing.

People have it so much worse than me. I know that perfectly well. Hell, my first major bout of depression was worse than this. But this right now...all seems so familiar to me. Sliding from one day into next, wondering if I'll wake up and carry on as normal.

I hate me. I hate me so much. If it wasn't for The Nanny sitting on the sofa in the same room as me right now, I'd probably be crying my eyes out, wailing and whining, until I (hopefully) fell asleep or died. I wouldn't mind which came first. To be perfectly honest with you.

I want to be able to look at my two gorgeous, beautiful, handsome children and husband, my family, and know that if nothing else, I want to live for them. But I can't always do that. Most often, I keep going out of the guilt of what would happen if I left.

I hate myself and what/who I have become. I'm scared. All. The. Time. I've disappeared and I have no idea how to find me. I need help. I need support. I need something. I wish I knew what. And I also have a horrible feeling I won't find it. I wish to GOD someone could help me right now. Tell me what to do. How to do it. Where to start. Where to finish.

I can't deal with this, and yet, I need to deal with this. I'm out of my depth. And I so want to survive, but I don't want to see the results. I don't want to survive. Maybe because I don't want more opportunity to fail.

2 Responses
  1. Cassandra Says:

    Hun, PLEASE PLEASE call me, text me, write stuff down and send it me in a message, whatever would help! Im so sorry youre feeling like this at the moment, and seriously ANYTHING I can do please yell, Im here and I want to help.
    Youve been there for me and I appreciate it like you wouldnt believe, youve really helped me through when things have been crap and Ive felt at rock bottom.
    And I really dont want to sound like a cliche or in anyway patronising, because you deserve better than that, but you ARE strong, regardless of whether you feel it right now and you will come through the other side.
    And there are people who love you and will be there for you (like lil old me) so please, dont be alone because you dont need to be!
    Yell, scream, shout, rant, whatever you need - Im here.

  2. Kelly Says:

    OH Jay, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've struggled with myself for most of this year. I've been so lost since the stoooopid layoff and I've questioned my abilities as a mother too. working was MUCH easier and I was alot more patient with the kids then. but I'm starting to get the hang of it.

    I have to think that being in pain is affecting your outlook alot more than you think it might be. It becomes a global problem when you are in pain all the time. the problem starts with your hip and ends up being a huge global warming/call al gore/ the earth is melting from the inside problem.

    Nothing I can say is going to snap you out of this but I just want you to know that the information you are giving yourself is false. you are NOT a failure and you are not the things you think you are. really. why would I lie?

    the tone of your email is so familiar to me.

    What do you do? you do need to reach outside off yourself somehow and get out of this spiral. Since I live on another continent, i can't come over with coffee, tequila, dark chocolates, an art pad, a chick flick and a bullwhip. so who will? you must reach out. you can cuss and bitch and hate it but you must do it.

    love you girl!! please email me or something if there is ANYTHING I can do for you!! I mean it. damnit!!