I'm fully aware that I spend an awful lot of time bitching and whining in my posts. I do it an awful lot, possibly far too much. And I'm not sure why.
What I do know, is that lately I've come to realise I'm quite possibly, the most ridiculously insecure person I know. I front all the time, mostly because I can't face my own problems. And then when I do bring up a problem, and someone offers their advice, I bitch and moan back at them, telling them they don't know shit and that I should just learn it my way, in a way that works for me (but doesn't, because I'm totally ballsing it up).
I hate so much about myself right now, and it's driving me over the fucking edge. Every single day, I see something else to complain about. There are a million things right at this very minute, as I sit here typing, that are driving me batshit.
Noah won't nap. His nap times are all messed up. People bring him home late/get him down late/so he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. I have no idea when Isaac "should" nap. He also has a cold and is barfing everything up that enters his mouth. Barfing it up, with copious amounts of F.O.F.
My hips/pelvis/tail bone still hurt. A lot. I can't afford private physio any more. I'm waiting for the hospital to send an appt for NHS physio.
I feel every day I am failing as a human being, forget about even failing as a mom. I have no backbone; people walk all over me lately. I've become weak. I forever worry about PND. There have been so many occasions, especially lately, when a bottle of sleeping tablets has never looked more appealing.
People have it so much worse than me. I know that perfectly well. Hell, my first major bout of depression was worse than this. But this right now...all seems so familiar to me. Sliding from one day into next, wondering if I'll wake up and carry on as normal.
I hate me. I hate me so much. If it wasn't for The Nanny sitting on the sofa in the same room as me right now, I'd probably be crying my eyes out, wailing and whining, until I (hopefully) fell asleep or died. I wouldn't mind which came first. To be perfectly honest with you.
I want to be able to look at my two gorgeous, beautiful, handsome children and husband, my family, and know that if nothing else, I want to live for them. But I can't always do that. Most often, I keep going out of the guilt of what would happen if I left.
I hate myself and what/who I have become. I'm scared. All. The. Time. I've disappeared and I have no idea how to find me. I need help. I need support. I need something. I wish I knew what. And I also have a horrible feeling I won't find it. I wish to GOD someone could help me right now. Tell me what to do. How to do it. Where to start. Where to finish.
I can't deal with this, and yet, I need to deal with this. I'm out of my depth. And I so want to survive, but I don't want to see the results. I don't want to survive. Maybe because I don't want more opportunity to fail.