About pregnancy, labour and being a new mother. There are lots of things. Sure they tell you lots of some things. Mostly the ok-ish things. They like to share their own horror stories. But there are some horror stories that dare not be shared. Like the following.

Expect your baby to barf so often you may change your clothes every freaking hour. And then extra because it's too hot and you've worn all your vests and t-shirts and only have roll neck winter woolly jumpers left.

You'll change your kids clothes twice as often as yourself, just to make sure that they still look cool/clean/colour co-ordinated/vaguely presentable.

It may take approximately 6 years for your stomach to look like a stomach. Mainly because you've carried over 20lbs of baby in there and your stomach muscles haven't seen each other for a while, thanks to the fab hernia you now have.

Your pelvic floor - oh wait, you no longer have one.

Hemorrhoids - they are your new best friend, and you wonder if you'll ever have sex again for fear of wondering if there are "three or more of you" in the bed.

Your kid gets Chicken Pox, and then somehow gets it again, and you'll wonder what the outside world is like, and whether it even still looks the same.

Sleeping - Your children may not do it as often as you'd like/think/ever.

You'll crave sleep, and when you do get the chance to sleep, you'll do everything from doing the laundry to cleaning the oven, instead of getting sleep. Because every ounce of common sense will have left your body.

The "Terrible Twos" is a load of bollocks. It's actually the "Terrible Whenever-The-Hell-I-Like, Deal With It Bitch, It's Gonna Happen". And those tantrums will probably break you, over and over again.

They say baby blues lasts a short while and post natal depression can last for ages but you'll be fine in the long run with both. Both will leave you feeling like shit, you'll question your parenting skills and will be convinced your newborn child, who doesn't even know what hate is, will despise and loathe your very soul for feeding it two minutes later than normal.

However, what they also don't tell you is how cute you think it is when you put your two kids in the bath and one splashes, hugs and kisses the other.

They also don't tell you how awesome it is when you suddenly realise your totally contented kid has fallen asleep peacefully on your lap and is snoring lightly.

Or how great you feel when they babble "mummmmm muummmmmmummmm" and look directly at you when they do it.

They forget to mention how much you almost want to explode when your kid is on your partner's lap, and kiddo calls you over to come join in a three-way cuddle.

1 Response
  1. Blacktating Says:

    This made me laugh out loud and smile and nod. Especially the 'roids part. OMG, why, God, why?!