I'm trying to make some changes. (I know I know, you're all thinking, "haven't you been trying to make changes for the last year?")

I'm doing them slowly, but I'm trying. So uh, the next change is...

Ok, I'm gonna kinda be brave, and uh...

Umm...ok I'm going to...

...um be a little more...

...brave. Or um, outspoken. Or something.

Ok, it's kind of like this. I used to pride myself on my honesty. I never had time for people who talked crap all the time. And I found it difficult to be around weak-willed people, because I wanted them to be stronger, to stand up for what they believe(d) in.

I always did it. I rarely took bullshit, and I loved that about me. I stood up for myself, and without being arrogant, in-yo-face, bitch-you-don'-know-watch-choo-talkin'-bout, I made it clear what my beliefs were if I disagreed with someone. At the same time, I was always gracious in accepting other people's thoughts too.

But it got lost somewhere along the way. I got lost somewhere along the way. And one of the things that's plaguing me IMMENSELY (i.e. making me feel very fucked off on a daily basis) is the fact that I seem to let people walk all over me, trample down my thoughts and opinions, and then defend them (the person) for whatever reason.

And even more stupidly, I find myself saying crap like "no I won't say anything back, because it's not important, I'll get over it, I'll save that for when I really need to defend myself, bullshit bullshit and blah blah blah."

Well? That's just bullshit.

Lots of people have pissed me off lately, some know who are they, and some don't. Lot's of people pissed me off severely, in the last 5 years. Most don't know who they are but perhaps have an idea. And in most cases, I fought back a bit, and then left it. At the time I thought they were battles that just weren't worth fighting. But the fact is, any battle is worth fighting if it means enough.

That's not to say I'm suddenly going to turn into Queen Bitch-O-Rama in the Land of the Anal and Arrogant. I've met people like that, and I can safely say at the moment, I have a very strong dislike for them. I still do. But I let those battles go, because like I said, I thought it was better to pick the appropriate battle.

But I AM fast losing my identity, and I need to stand up and remind people that actually, I am here, you should listen to me when we have a conversation (because conversations go two-ways you know), and I do have an opinion that counts as much as anybody else's, whether you agree with it or not.

I write this blog because it is my place to vent. It is MY place to be ME. You are all invited to read, comment, send me messages, whatever. But if you strongly disagree with what you see and/or saw on this blog, well. Don't say you weren't warned. Because I'm hoping it's about to start getting a little bit more real around here.

Um, hopefully, maybe.
1 Response
  1. Kelly Says:

    girl, I am right there with you on the rediscovery journey. I've been finding my lost self for a few months now. maybe its an aquarius thing?
    I have been learning how to stand up for what I want again too.

    rock it girl. let's kick some ass. =)