Sweet Lord. Why do you test me so? Do you not feel it is enough to be a mother of two very young, lovely children, that you must add extra traumas to the situation? Is my body not wrecked enough for you that you must destroy it a little more? Do you enjoy watching me smack my head against a (any) wall (daily) in frustration?

Sunday night/Monday morning, a suspicious growing pain in left boob woke me up. I didn't panic, that nipple's been "off" for ages so I put it down to that. However, at 2 am when I was shoving my fist in mouth to keep from screaming in agony and thought I might pass out from pain, I had a tiny inkling that something was up. So I took a 50mg cocodamol.

Half an hour later, when I was wondering if I would be able to move my arm or touch my boob (in a pervy way or not, I didn't care) and whether I might suddenly ralph over everything in sight for the sheer pain, I wondered what I should do next apart from wait for the pain killer to kick in.

Yeah, um, one hour after taking the first cocodamol I decided it was time for another. When I'm sat there sobbing to D saying that I'd rather be in labour again, I figured that was saying something. So I took another. And finally passed out. Possibly from pain? I dunno, I like to think so because it kind of sounds dramatic. It's most likely it was just something dull like sheer frigging exhaustion.

Unfortunately, after falling asleep sometime around 3 am, Noah awoke at about 6:30. That, I could deal with. But then Isaac awoke at 7. And he. Was. HUNGRY.

What's a mom to do? Feed their kid, right? So feeling like I might actually pass out or puke, I put him on right somehow, hoping to god and beyond belief that he wouldn't accidentally knock left (which of course did happen, but you know, I {literally} won't hold it against him.)

I put him on. I grabbed my little plastic wastepaper bin.

And threw up. Repeatedly.

And I hadn't even eaten, so I'm sure you can guess how lovely THAT was.*

You know, it takes some skill to be in agony, feed your kid (AND still totally love them), up-chuck and clench hard enough to not completely pee yourself at the same time.

I spent most of Monday in a sweaty daze; D took me to the Dr in the morning who confirmed mastitis and a thrush infection of the milk ducts, all on left boob. She also said my left boob was "hot enough to fry an egg on", which of course, I take as a compliment (whether she meant "hot" or "hawt" is a different matter).

I was very pleased to discover the results of my fever that evening, which read 40.2 degrees, or 104 degrees if you please (now that's "hawt").

Thankfully I've managed to break the fever, and left boob has been re-established (how I even got mastitis in it I'll never know, because I was still feeding Isaac on it, but you know, whatever). I don't scream when it touches the bed as I lie down, and the only problems now is that whole nipple-at-the-bottom-of-the-bed fear (because I swear they're determined not to heal up and they WILL appear down there one day) and trying not to let the pools of sweat collecting in my eyes when I lie on my back bother me too much.

Noah is covered in spots. Yes, AGAIN. You know what? I'm not even going to call chicken pox this time. I don't even know. We're starting to eliminate different things that it could be. And we actually don't have a clue. We could take him back to the docs (which would quite possibly be a record for the most number of doctor trips in a year). Hell, we could let the boy run around naked only eating bread and water (and he wouldn't complain) and we don't think it'd make a difference.

So I bet it's chicken pox.

Isaac hasn't put on any weight. Actually, correction. 3 weeks ago he hadn't put on any weight. 2 weeks ago, he'd lost 2 ounces. So needless to say, I'm blaming myself. D is, of course and as ever, being as supportive as he possibly can. He knows I'm trying my damndest to keep the boy fed. But after the last straw today (in which I can't blog about here, I think, but someone REALLY pushed me to my sanity limits today) and starting to feel like a failure, I'm wondering if I should stop. Whether I should give up flying the breastfeeding flag, let the good ship sink, bid it adieu. I don't want to, but it seems like I'm not even fighting "physical issues" anymore.

I haven't had chance to rebuild milk stores ready for my next concert (rehearsals start end of August) and the pressure is building fast. My boobs have been a mess and in very little state to express efficiently. There's a frigging annoying voice in the back of my head which keeps saying "just give him formula! He won't even care!" Well you know what? You're right. He probably wouldn't give a monkey's right bollock. But I would. And that matters to me.

And it's only Wednesday.

*Barfing is somehow easier when there's food to barf up.
6 Responses
  1. Sounds miserable, but I hope you hang in there with the breastfeeding! Women are amazing, we can take a lot (as you show so beautifully). Kellymom.com is a great resource to find out what kind of medications are safe while breastfeeding.

    All the best,

  2. Elita Says:

    Well, first of all, mastitis sucks! It is awful. But there are things you can do to speed the healing process. One, use moist heat on your breast. You can use those Soothies gel pads or just fill a clean sock with uncooked rice and zap it in the microwave for about 20 seconds. You should also start every nursing session on the affected boob. Yes, it will hurt like HELL, but the best way to clear up plugged ducts and mastitis is to nurse, nurse, nurse. Even if you decide to wean, now is not the time. You need to get the milk moving and clear up your infection first. I second checking Kelly Mom for more information on plugged ducts/mastitis. If you want to talk more, feel free to email me any time!

  3. Kat Says:

    Dry heaves are never fun. Ugh. I am gonna just tell you do do what your body is telling you to do. If it is bf then continue, but if the bottle works, then that is the way to go.

    We definitely need to get together sometime soon!

  4. Kelly Says:

    you can do both, ya know. breastfeeding and formula can co-exist peacefully. breastfeed when you're with him (at night or whatever) and give him a bottle and don't worry about pumping. Its much harder to manage with the 2nd when the 1st is doing what first borns do...
    its not a failure of any sort to augment breastfeeding with formula. he'd still be getting the liquid gold! AND there's nothing that says you can't put him on formula for a bit and then when you feel like you can or want to, go back to BF full time.
    mastitis sucks. ugh.
    My left side was my enemy too.

    hang in there!!!

  5. Jackie Says:

    I second what Elita said! I'm so sorry you're going through all this. If you need to talk/vent you have my e-mail. Hang in there momma!

    Could N's rash be measles? Or an allergic reaction to something? Has he been outside into any plants? I've never heard of a kid getting the pox like that, poor guy!

    When it rains, it pours. But I'm sure you know that already. Big hugs from me!

  6. Anonymous Says:

    I don't have any great answers, just hear to say, ouch and keep on doing what you need to do that works for you and yours.