I've spent the best part of today wondering what the title of this blog should be. I also wondered whether I could get away with another whiney-ass oh-my-life-sucks-but-my-baby-is-awesome post. I also wondered whether I had the strength to get my Bitch Claws out and shred all the Stupid Whores who still insist on walking the streets.

I still haven't decided.

I am, however, still smirking about how awesome Noah is -

"Yo moms I ain't got time for you no more. I is busy listenin to Kanye's 'Gold Digger'. That guy is bitchin'." *

- despite the annoying fact that I still seem to cry about him. Christ I hate being such a whimpy whiney moaning ungrateful biatch.

I think a lot of the problem is that I've started to feel quite sorry for myself but I don't know where it's come from. There's been considerable upheavals lately (is that even a word? I'll Google it in a bit), like trying to work out who my friends really are, if I actually have any friends, and whether the friends that I think are my friends are friends enough for me to finally let my guard down and be a real friend. (What the...)

I'm also beginning to wonder where my future is. I'm losing a lot of desire to play my cello and seriously contemplate ditching it and doing something else. Is it too late? Is 29 far too past it for a career change? And what in the hell would I do anyway??

(2 hours later)

Doesn't matter, I went and cried while trying to feed Noah, whilst realising that the extent of my tiredness now means I'm not producing quite enough milk for him at the moment, and feeling utterly shit with myself and loathing myself like never before because I just shouted at a 3 month old baby for crying for food, and how can he possibly be crying when I'm clearly the one suffering so why should he cry.

I swear I don't think I've ever fucking hated myself as much as this. Freaking emotions of a messed up mom.

* He was actually listening to 'Gold Digger', and didn't seem phased by it. I think I should be pleased but that's kinda hard right now.