Again. It was only a matter of time. I seem to be going through the "Wow do I suck as a mom" phase, and it's not making me feel good. I'm determined to make sure it stays as Baby Blues, and doesn't turn into PND because for the love of god, I can't cope with that right now.

We all knew to look out for it, but I thought I might be a little stronger than this. I already seem to be heading to the Land of Neurosis (especially after we made it two weeks before rushing Noah to A&E after he projectile vomited milk out of his nose for the umpteenth time). I didn't want to be the neurotic mom and I hope I never get there.

I've been terrified of PND for some time. It's my worst enemy. My geatest fear. I can't function when I'm depressed and if that happens, we're screwed.

My body is doing a little better and I try to hang on to that, apart from the fact that I cry my eyes out every time time Noah feeds on Left Boob. It's agony. Like some is massaging the nipple with a freshly sharpened razor blade dipped in lemon juice, salt and vinegar. Lovely.

However, my saving grace was hand expressing 250ml off Left Boob. Left Boob was most grateful, especially as it had started threatening me with a bout of mastitis. Cos you know, if Right Booob can do it...

Yesterday morning was a hoot - D has gone back to work and I had to leave the house. Fill the car with petrol, pick up a prescription. Easy. Yeah. Petrol station: assumed I would only be 30 seconds in the shop, pay on the card. Left Noah in the car (Ahhh...Bad Mommy Rookie mistake). Both cards - declined. Emergency call to the bank. Crying out loud. 15 minutes later, I get back into the car and Noah is screaming blue murder. Hooray.

Next - pharmacy. 'Won't be long at all' she says. Lying whore. You would think I had taken the hint from the petrol station and brought Noah in with me. Nope, left him in the car. Again.* 3 frigging days later (ok, 20 minutes later and several trips back out to the car) I get the prescription. Do you think I've even used it? Nope, because my stupid mentality refuses to pump Noah full of crap at less than a month old. Oh. My. God. What the hell is wrong with me?

The good news throughout all of this? I've pooped several times this week. It's surprisingly reassuring.


*My reasons for this are purely selfish - I struggle to carry him in the car seat and it hurts my hip. Solution? Screw my hip and just carry theboy in his car seat. *tsk*

Oh my god.

Umm...

Ok.

Sooo....you'd think I'd worked out the best way to properly blog the last mind blowing, stir crazy, up, down, whiz of a whirl last 2 weeks. I figure, the easiest way to do it might be like this.

Day 1
Sun 6th Jan - Noah's Birth
My mind officially exploded that day. I gave birth, at home, in a birthing pool, to a 10lb 15oz baby, and on that day, I became a mother, and I finally started to realise what love really is.

Day 2
Mon 7th Jan - Hospital Help
Here we are in hospital, me bleeding like a stuck pig with 2nd degree (borderline 3rd degree) tearing and Noah struggling to learn how to latch on properly. He does this thing where as soon as he knows something is near his mouth, he'll move his head around frantically and excitedly, it's actually quite funny. However, I discovered the need to learn how to hand express milk/colostrum because there was just no getting him on. I was mortified when I couldn't even get enough of that and they had to supplement with formula.

We did ok though; by 9:00 that evening he was breastfeeding like a trooper.

MIL, BILs, Mum and FIL all visited today too. They all looked so proud.

I'm getting an amazing amount of sleep. And my greatest achievement today? I pooped. It was quite possibly on of the easiest things I've ever done.

Day 3
Tues 8th Jan - Homeward Bound
Noah woke himself up bang on cue in the night and fed fantastically. This of course meant we could finally go home. His face has changed so much, I can't believe how different he looks already.

It was so lovely to get home, needless to say I didn't move around much but I didn't care; my hips and pelvis were killing me, my stitches were agony but I was home. D had cleared up everything - sorted out the pool and tidied everything up. Legend.

Day 4
Weds 9th Jan - Got milk?
I don't remember much about today...we had the usual influx of Grandparents visiting. Lots of texts and phone calls...

Noah got his first nickname - The Stig. He makes brilliant sound effects like a car screeching round a corner. That could be my fault, for all the Top Gear I've been watching. Mmmmm Richard Hammond...

I do recall waking up this morning and my milk came in. Holy shit, there's no messing with a pair of breasts when that happens. I've evolved approx. 3 cup sizes bigger - from pre-preg til now I've gone from a D to an H cup. Yes...oh yes.

Have you ever tried to go to the loo topless without smothering yourself in breast milk?

Day 5
Thurs 10th Jan - Weightlifting, anyone?
Er, Noah rolled over onto his side today. Dear god.

Day 7
Sat 12th Jan - Ugh
I do NOT feel good. My nipples are screaming and I cry through most feeds. Noah cries leading up to every feed. And I can't get him on fast enough because I'm shit scared of the pain. (I deliver a 10lbs 15oz boy and I'm scared of the Nipple Pain? Go figure.)

Uncle K and Uncle A visited. That was ok, apart from I sat there with a migraine the whole time. I think I may have died several times that evening. I'm hot and tired. And I hurt badly. And Noah is screaming. A lot.

Day 8
Sun 13th Jan - Happy 1 Week To Us
I cannot move. My legs have siezed up. I cannot move them. My boobs are like rocks. Lava rocks. Molten red hot lava rocks. My 39.4 degree fever means I'm slowly baking in bed. A bed of sweat. I actually want to die OOOOOOOOOMG. My head is pounding with the World's Best Migraine, MW#73 visits and says I have Mastitis, and my SPD is reminding me of what it can do, which is to cripple me.

Noah, of course, is perfectly fine. I, am on antibiotics, pain killers and bed rest. And poor attempts at trying to pump express so that he wouldn't starve were just icing on the beautiful pain-filled bitter-sweet cake.

Day 9
Mon 14th Jan - Don't Stop Me Now
Bed rest works a treat. I'm still stuck in bed, but at least I can get myself to the loo.

Noah - fine form as ever. He's amazing.

Day 10
Tues 15th Jan - Like a Stuck Pig
Noah grunts. All night. Like nothing I have ever heard in my life. It sounds like he's straining to let go of a humongous bowel movement, and his life depends on it. And he does it at night. All. Freaking. Night. Do you think he wakes up? Does he cry? Do we get any sleep? Dear God, no.

Day 12
Thurs 17th Jan - It's a Wonderful World
OUTDOORS!!! There's a world outside the front door...and it's fab. Noah, D and I ventured out, in the car and it was good. We went to Moseley to drop off some stuff at the newly moved music shop, which made me verrrrrry happy. I may find myself camping on their doorstep.

Then we did something great - we got Noah registered. He's officially legal. As I have been regularly over the last 12 days, I'm blown away and my heart has melted again. It seems to do it repeatedly several times a day. My son (!) can have a passport now if he wants.

Speaking of which, we've booked Jamaica in April - he's going to meet his Great Grandfather. It's a family first for over 35 years.

Day 13
Fri 18th Jan - Little Big Steps
Tonight, as I sit here typing this, D and I are sitting watching tv. Noah is not in the room. I have a little white thing next to me that makes the occasional baby noise. It's Noah, and he's upstairs in his Moses basket, asleep. On his own. In our room. It's the strangest feeling ever. Like I put something down and forgot to pick it up again.

It's amazing how much you can love someone you never met before within two weeks.

I want to update properly but I'm having a difficult time at the moment. So here's a story you might want t0 read in the meantime.



On Sat 5th Jan, I was determined to get things going, so DH and I spent 3 hours shopping around the City Centre, me power walking everywhere. My constipation was still pretty bad so I was hoping it would help get something moving. We got home; I was shattered but no movement of any kind. So I juiced 2 pineapples and a mango (yum), and drank the lot in almost one go (2 pints!)

About an hour later I needed a wee, went and realised that I desperately needed a bm. I pushed so hard it hurt, but there was some success. At the same time, I bled a little and felt a strange kinda clicking in my pelvis every time I pushed.

Anyway, maybe ½ hour later at midnight, ctx kicked in. I couldn't sleep through them and they were about 8mins apart. I woke up DH and he started to get the lounge and pool ready, knowing we should have enough time.

I was drinking like a fish and after about 2 hours went for yet another wee and lost my plug (very clear mucus, streaked only with bright red blood), ctx were approx. 5-6 mins and my word there was no question I was in labour by then. DH called the midwife but it was so icy outside that it was going to take her a while to get there. That wasn't a problem though, I had my TENS machine when I was ready. At this point the ctx were just really uncomfortable but still didn't hurt (mind over matter I think...)

The midwife arrived at around 3:45am, just after DH had finished getting the pool all set up and the whole of the lounge ready. There was plastic sheeting covering the whole floor, with loads of towels and old blankets. I asked MW to check me to see how far I was as ctx were so uncomfortable and I wanted to see if it was worth using the TENS yet. She couldn't reach my cervix!! The examination was sooooo painful, but my cervix was completely posterior and no telling how dilated I was.

I thought stuff it, let's go with TENS on low, which worked surprisingly well, with DH watching me to press the button for ctx so I wouldn't have to worry about it. She checked me again about half an hour later approx 4:15am and I was roughly 3-4 cm - hooray!!! I could finally get in the pool. OMG sweet relief - it seemed to take away so much of the pain it was untrue. I was breathing steadily and concentrating so hard through every ctx, but it felt like nothing was happening - I couldn't feel baby moving down or anything and was getting verrrrrrrry tired. The water was so warm and soothing but making me a little sleepier than before (I hadn't slept since Friday night!!)

By 6:30am and 6½ hours of established labour, I became very close to thinking I was fighting a losing battle and started to beg for some kind of help. I kept apologising to DH saying I felt like I'd thrown all our hard work out the window by wanting to go in for an epi, but that I was just desperate for help. MW offered to check me again to make a decision - I was 6-7cm!!! I couldn't believe I had made it that far and decided (with renewed vigour!!) that screw this - I was almost there and I knew I could do it. I started on the gas and air and could feel that I might just get to the end.

I soon hit transition - I don't remember much about it, but DH and MW say it was very clear when I was there. I only remember doing weird things like trying to dry off the side of the pool (with a wet hand), and wondering why one of the light's on the ceiling was more yellow than the others (it wasn't...) and instructing DH to stand in an exact spot at the side of the pool so I could go to him or move away as needed...it was very surreal but that's all I remember of that.

I was micro-sleeping between ctx at this point; the "sleeps" felt like ½ hour each but DH tells me they were minutes if not seconds, before being woken by the next ctx. They eventually took the gas and air off me because I wasn't using it, and pushing stage began :shock:

At 10:30am-ish I wanted to start pushing so MW checked me one last time and said she could easily feel Mocha's head 'right there' (about 2cm inside. DH got in the pool and stood behind me, holding me up under my arms while I squatted in the water. The pushing was IMMENSE but the MW were fantastic, not touching me or interfering, using a torch and mirror to observe, telling me how to push past the Ring of Fire and get the head out. I reached down and could stroke the top of Mocha's head and knew I was so close. DH got in the pool with me and held me up while I squatted and pushed – it was unreal, reaching down and feeling the head come out. Finally after an hour of much guided pushing, out came baby Mocha at 11:32am! Labour had lasted approx. 11½ hours. He was GORGEOUS, eyes open and alert, not crying, just gurgling out water, very peaceful. I was so surprised he was a boy! He's called Noah Franklyn.

DH cut the cord and I got out for my natural 3rd stage which was great too. Unfortunately, no one had anticipated baby being quite so big, and I ended up with suspected 3rd degree tearing (hence the trip to hospital). While the MW was assessing me at home, I was out of it on gas and air, DH came back downstairs and announced his weight to me – 10lbs15oz!!!! I nearly had kittens on the spot (which probably would’ve been easier…) At hospital they kept us in because they were all so concerned with the size of Noah (by rights he should have gotten completely stuck with shoulder distortia), whether my SPD was going to be an issue and wanted to make sure he was feeding properly – it was a day before he decided he was going to latch on. Now he feeds like a pro :)

He’s eating and sleeping well, still trying to work out some kind of pattern, but he did well for his first night at home. I’m so proud of myself to be honest – we followed my entire birth plan to the letter, and even after ending up in hospital we got some of the best lactation help we could ask for.

And I think it just might be. Contractions every 8 minutes ish, and they're really good fun. Just lost my plug (they aren't kidding when they say it looks like someone sneezed) and D is currently setting up the pool.

The show must indeed go on.

I poooped!!! It took me over an hour, and much pacing up and down the bathroom. And doing some very obscure things (which I'm not prepared to share with the world yet). I've never felt such a sense of achievement. I pretty much passed out asleep on the sofa soon after.

I've also bought some Fibresure in the desperate hope that I never have to go through that again. I'm willing to bet my ass that it doesn't work.

Today I power walked my way around town, for approx. 3½ hours. I walked until my feet were the size of boats, my back could no longer support my own body and was puffing and panting like a dirty old man at a strip show.

The result? A few minor contractions and a pair of sore feet. And a 2 hour nap on the sofa. And a very fidgety baby.

Who by the way, hasn't been born yet. (I'm sorry, did the title of this post get you going?)

Week: 40+1 day
Month: 10
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 38 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Yup
Size: I guess 72 inches
Time to go: uh, yesterday
Full Term: Ages ago

I have no child. Externally.

I also have no poop. Externally.

However, I do have indigestion. And constipation.

And yesterday was a riot. MW#2 had previously booked me an appointment to come see me yesterday morning. She didn't turn up, and eventually yesterday evening another MW called to say that it was actually her day off. And did I go into clinic? Because if I did then sorry about that because there was no one there.

W...TF?

So we're thinking maybe private MW with Baby #2 (should I ever get Baby #1 out first).

And since I can do tmi without giving a hoot, I've spent the last three days trying to poop. Having had 3 glasses of prune juice, half a bag of prunes, 3 glasses of apple juice, handfuls of (dry) All-Bran and a bowl of scrambled egg and beans.

I'm actually quite impressed with myself, I could possibly be holding a world record here for the longest time to go without pooping.

I'm also impressed with the number of people who STILL keep harassing me. At the moment I think I've decided to stop responding to texts etc, because people? Just leave me the fuck alone and stop asking stupid questions. And stop asking seemingly nice questions as a round-about way to get to ask your stupid questions.

I think maybe if I was, like, 608 weeks pregnant then I could understand people asking if I've "dropped yet". (Hah hah! You're so funny! Have I "dropped" yet!! Oh hah hah! Stupid whores.) But people? I ONLY JUST GOT TO 40 WEEKS. And in case you didn't know, FIRST BABIES OFTEN GO TO 42 WEEKS, YOU BUNCH OF STUPID WHORES. Go learn something.

I wonder if I should go walk round Sainsburys...it's been a week...

Week: 39+5 days
Month: 10 (Seriously...what?)
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 38 weeks (I signed it up for Uni. Cambridge.)
Fetal Heartbeat: Yes indeedy.
Size: Long enough
Time to go: 27 hours (WTF??!)
Full Term: I stopped counting

Yeh yeh ok so I got a bit tetchy in one of my posts, but hey can you blame me??! D's mother has taken to calling EVERY DAY (sometimes several times) to check on progress. Well. I'm still pregnant. And for the frickin MILLIONTH time, WE WILL CALL if something happens.

Though at this rate we may just neglect to call until it's at pre-school, like we kinda forgot to mention.

I'm totally appreciative of people checking to see if there's 'any news'; it's lovely that people care and stuff, but come on, did it occur to you if you're constantly sending messages, then so is someone else...?

I must admit, the messages that I really appreciate are the 'thinking of you etc etc', or the 'hope you're ok, shout if I can help blah blah'...I guess I shouldn't be so ungrateful (or some shit like that) but maaaaaaan it can get old I guess, especially when I'm already tired and starting to get really impatient.

Went for accupressure today; it was different, but felt really good. Mocha kicked up a storm every time she squeezed my big toe on my right foot. It was kinda entertaining. She said she worked on constipation points and labour induction points. Needless to say, the induction points aren't guaranteed, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Gotta admit, I feel more barfy, my back is screwing and the BH are pretty strong. Can't be bothered to time them yet though.

My latest plan is to go into labour by Saturday. Cos you know, Mocha and I have this agreement whereby it does what I say.

HAHAHHHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAAHAHAA!!!

I'm still on the raspberry leaf tea (YES I know, it doesn't actually induce labour) and drinking like a fish. I have evening primrose oil but don't have the balls to take any. Every time I think about it I chicken out and google until I find enough info that says Don't Do It!! Lengthy Labour! Induction! C-section!

You'd think I'd just bin the stuff.

Oh, and er, happy new year and stuff.