Showing posts with label The Gallery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Gallery. Show all posts
The Gallery And Workshop: Emotions
@cosmicgirlie
A moment of peace.

I never felt it before. I didn't know what it was. Things have been silenced, and suddenly I hear everything.

The voice has stopped; other noises come through. Do I recognise these noises? Vaguely. I couldn't hear them so well before. I couldn't hear how much Noah's kisses meant, when he would stroke my arm and rest his head on my shoulder. I couldn't hear the volume in Isaac's cuddles and sighs on my lap, when he would snuggle against me and gaze into my eyes.

"It's ok Mummy. There's a lot of noise Mummy. Can you hear us Mummy? We're still here Mummy.

It's ok, Mummy."

I can hear them now, and I feel overpowering love for my boys.

A moment of peace.

Just a moment.

Like the sun, it can fill every void. Like the very sky above us, it feels like it could go on for ever. I couldn't look into it before. The shadows consumed me; my depression made it easy to turn my back on the bright blue sky, look away from the energy-giving sun.

I look to the sun now and bathe in it's brightness. I turn to the light and I smile. A true, rich smile. Things I have never been able to do before. I absorb the energy; I gain strength.

I am filled with hope. I am content.



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This post was written for Tara Cain's "The Gallery" and Josie George's "Writing Workshop"; please do go and visit to see more fabulous posts.
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The Gallery: Creatures
@cosmicgirlie
Week 16 for Tara Cain's "The Gallery", is creatures. I rarely take a decent animal shot, but then remembered something from a while back.

Whilst waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch at a pub near me a few months back, I grabbed my camera out the car and headed out to a field just around the corner from the pub. I knew there were horses there, sadly I don't think they're very well looked after, but I was pretty sure they were quite friendly.

I was right; one of them came over to pose for the camera.


Turns out he was quite keen to say hello and eye me up. :D

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The Gallery: Motherhood
@cosmicgirlie
For me this has been the hardest gallery post yet. Not because the spectacular lady that is Tara Cain has landed a wonderful opportunity for us Cybermummy and sponsorship from Photobox (and it's a great competition and prize). It's not because I was intimidated by all the other amazing entries, which quite frankly, left me wondering if I was capable.

But because I had no idea how to sum up "motherhood".

Especially in one picture, that I have taken myself.

I've never felt like a mother. Even now, when Noah runs up to me and shouts "Mummeeee!" it still feels like he's talking to someone else.

Isaac toddles over (yes, toddles, the boy is walking in a fashion), and flops himself on me for cuddles. Yet I think he does it just because there's no one else around.

I never had that "special bond" with Noah when he was born; I'm not sure we ever did, and that makes me really sad. Is that why some think I over compensate when it comes to looking after him? Managing his well being? Is it possible to over compensate? I love him, of course I do, but I forever worry that I'm not close enough to him even though I'm his mother. Isaac was a little easier; perhaps the PND wasn't so cruel second time around? He shows nearly as much independence as his brother; they both often just get on with it.

Just the word scares me.

"Motherhood"

I don't think it's about me. It's about them.

It's about throwing them out into the complete open, yet protecting them with nothing but your heart. It's about not knowing what the hell is right around the next corner, yet paving out a path for them to follow and be ok. It's about helping them reach for the skies, yet making sure they stay firmly grounded. It's about being the biggest support they will ever need, but taking a step back and being ready to catch them when they fall.

It's about celebrating them.



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The Gallery: Still Life (and a teeny lesson in cameras)
@cosmicgirlie
A few people have seen my light art photography, and have assumed I've needed some ultimate fancy equipment to do it.


It's actually REALLY easy!!! I mean, of course, uh, it's bloody difficult and takes a er, special sort of um...

Nah that's cock, it's piss easy. Promise I will do some sort of tutorial on this soon. It'll be a laugh.

Those who follow my flickr set closely will also notice there's a whole set dedicated to my iPhone. And lastly, having fallen ridiculously in love with Hipstamatic, I've created a photography blog on Posterous to showcase my efforts with this iPhone app.

Incidentally, if you own an iPhone and don't have this app, then WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???? *SHEESH*

I'll just wait here while you go and get it.

In fact, here; I'll even throw you a link: CLICK ON ME TO GET HIPSTAMATIC

Trust me, apart from maybe stuff you buy for your kids, and food, and maybe alcohol, this could be some of the best money you'd spend.

I have to say, you have no idea how thrilled to bits I was (in fact, MORE than thrilled to bits) when Tara Cain chose my Bacon Blip on Blipfoto as the inspiration and theme for this week's Gallery!!

OH HELL YEAH.

Well I noticed lots of people were starting to freak the hell out about not having a good enough camera to meet this weeks task. Hell, I'M not sure I can meet this weeks task, I mean, what the hell can beat bacon?

(Seriously, I ate around 20 - 25 rashers of bacon in the three days we were at Centre Parcs, the majority of that being on Saturday and Sunday. And yes, I ate it so fast I couldn't even be arsed to get my camera out to take another pic of it.)

I had a look at some of the pics already submitted for the gallery - shit me you guys are awesome. Which hopefully makes me work even harder. Which is obviously a good thing, especially if it means I'll work off all that bacon. It's so brilliant and satisfying when people see that you DON'T need fancy pants equipment to get a good picture. I do not have any of that shit. I'd have to sell my kids AND my soul to afford that stuff.

Anyway, I put down my trusty little camera and went back to my iPhone, which has repeatedly been slated for it's camera which I'm now thinking is quite a shame.

(Huh...my space bar is dented?? ...or is that just bacon grease?)





And then I couldn't help myself, because quite frankly, I'm addicted to my camera.

(The following are also straight from camera with no special effects applied.)



And food.





And of course, bacon.


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Like the use of photography in this post? Then please feel free to vote for me over at The MADs awards, under Best MAD Blog Photography. Only 4 days left to vote!!! Many thanks :)
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The Gallery: (Boys to) Men
@cosmicgirlie
Over at The Gallery this week, Tara Cain's theme is "Men". Since (apparently) I'm all bolshy and stuff, I'm going to change it to "(Boys to) Men". Because that's what they are.

The testosterone in my house is RIFE. D is in the Civil Engineering construction something or other industry, the boys will scream for anything with wheels, and so needless to say, there are (noisy) diggers, trucks, scoops, dump trucks, cars, buses, transporters and all manner of god-knows-what in the kiddos toy box.

This is my lovely hubs, Mocha Beanie Daddy, known to you as "D". I blame him. But he's bloody lovely, as some of you already know.



This is Isaac. He will lay his hands on whatever wheels he can get.



This is Noah. He is happy to just have them all lined out in front of him and then watch a bit of TV while he can.



Either way, they're happy to bare their chests, smile at the ladies, and play with cars.



And they're all soft enough for a snuggle on the sofa in front of the TV.

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The Gallery: Picture the World
@cosmicgirlie
With everything going on this week (and holy mother there is a LOT going on this week, more on that soon) I very nearly didn't do this week's gallery. I knew WHERE I wanted to post about, but wasn't sure I'd get to do it.

Then I scooted over the folder of pictures, and, well, pretty much couldn't resist. The pictures made me so homesick, I had no choice.

Presenting to you a part of the world, which is almost a second home to me and very familiar to me and my bigger family:

Jamaica.

This was our private beach at the hotel...


I've been here plenty of times before, and Jesus I just can't get enough. So when D and I went for our honeymoon, it was pretty freaking special, but it became something amazing when we took 3 month old Noah to go and visit one of his countries of origin.


And yes, that's part of the view from one of our balconies. :o)

The three of us went in March 2008, and the hotel we stayed at was nothing short of spectacular...

Right down to the random little huts on the tiny islands just off the beach.


Noah enjoyed his first EVER swim.




D and I marvelled over the beauty of our hidden paradise

...which was like being in a picture postcard fantasy...



..and enjoyed many a sunset in the evenings.


But for me, Tara's Gallery Theme reminded me so much that even though the world is such a damn huge place, no matter where we are, we're always close to someone.

So when I was the first in our family to introduce an 86 year old Great Grandparent to his 3 month old Great Grandson for the first time, I realised that for me personally? This is also something you wouldn't necessarily see in the world around us. I think that paints a pretty special picture.


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If you liked this post, please do head on over to The MADs where (somehow!!) I'm a finalist for the Best MAD Blog Photography award!!! Thank you all SO. VERY. BLOODY. MUCH. :D
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The Gallery: Portrait
@cosmicgirlie
Sometimes it whizzes by in a blur. It's a rough and ready ride.


Sometimes it seems to move at a snails pace. Everything grinds to a halt.



Sometimes we're thrown out into the middle of it, to find our own way out.


Sometimes we're given a companion to share and learn with, and discover new things.


But sometimes? When life starts to get the better of you? Smile. And it becomes a tiny bit easier. (The boys advise me that sticking out your tongue and laughing scores bonus points.)




We all have places to go in life. Just don't forget where you came from. :oD



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This post is for Tara Cain over at The Gallery.


All images are copyright Jay Mountford Photography.
Please ask permission if you want to use them.
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Dear...
@cosmicgirlie
Lovely Lady TC

I know this note is gonna seem really weird, but I just wanted to say thank you. Your gallery idea is so bloody brilliant, and I love how even when I submit a crappy gallery pic, I've still had to think very carefully about what to post. And even if the pic sucks, I still try to make it worthwhile with my choice of words.

My last post, "Oh. Hello Stranger." has pressed so many of my buttons. It's so funny because, when I first started out on this particular Gallery theme, it WAS going to be a silly one. I've got 4 of the photos ready to go, and know what I want to do for the others.

Actually, I KNEW what I WANTED to do. But not anymore, because once again, you've made me think in a completely different way. There are mahoosive stories behind this post, which I come ever close to sharing with more and more people; had it not been for your Gallery, this teeny tiny snippet of history wouldn't have become such a public part of my blog. I know I don't give away too much; it's still incredibly raw. But I'm close; I'm so close. And that's pretty good, I think, for me.

But anyway. I just want to say thanks. So much. For helping me find an outlet in a way so natural to me. For helping me push my boundaries and make me think. For such an awesome idea. For being so inspiring for so many people.

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Everyone Who Commented Previously

I don't know what to say. Apart from, obviously, thank you. My blog is changing; I didn't mean for it to happen, but it's reassuring and yet quite frightening. I'm changing as a person, it's out of my control, and I need to make sure I can BE the person I'm turning into.

Some of you know how big a change it is. Others are completely unaware. And that's ok. There's a lot to learn about me, so much more, and in nearly three years of blogging, amazingly, I don't think I've given away much of the stuff I think is huge.

But that's ok. It's coming. Soon. I'll change. Things will change. And that's ok.

So thank you, for helping me. I hope I can help you too, because quite a few of you have said you want to get your musical instruments out to play again. But you say you're intimidated. Or scared. Or nervous. Or wary. You know what? I was all those and more. So much more. But if I can do it? ANYONE can do it. And even better? We'll be here to support you. In fact, I'd love you to get in touch if you decide to play again. Even if you don't get it out. Even if you're just thinking about it.

We can support each other. I know it.

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People Who Are Keen to Hear Me Play

I am a LOOOONG way from that just yet. Or at least, I think I am. It won't be this week. Or maybe next week. I doubt the week after. But I might catch myself off guard...and it might even be tomorrow. Or next year. I don't know. I may be proud of how far I got, but I'll never be proud enough to brag of my "skills" or "talent" or whatever.

Sure I have concerts coming up. I can say that now. I'm coming to terms with that now. You're welcome to come here me play, but I'll be safely buried away in the security blanket of an orchestra.

I like it that way. For now.

Maybe one day I'll vlog me playing.

Maybe.

One day.

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JG and CB

I'm glad you're proud of me. I really am. Whether it's the cello or the camera, it doesn't matter. I'm like a kid who wants to be patted on the head and rewarded with a tiny "well done". Because no one else did it before, when I was going through the heartache. So when my best friends say things like that?

It means more than anything.

I love you.

jay xxx
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Oh. Hello Stranger.
@cosmicgirlie

I didn't think I'd see her again so soon. She went away last November, and I hadn't planned on seeing her again for quite some time.




It wasn't my idea, though. I wasn't ready to say hello yet. I'm nervous. I'm not sure I can do it yet. But I'm wondering if I ever should have said goodbye.


A sudden flurry of emails, texts and phone calls this last month...why me? Why were people making me deal with her again? I hate that people want me to use her again. I hate the reminder of what they put me through. Sometimes I think I still hate her. So resentful. Few know why. Some should know why, but probably don't realise it. Few knew of my wrath. I'm so angry with all I had to go through; feels like it was all for nothing.




And yet, when I held her last week, for the first time in what felt like forever, I remembered. It's been 5 months. But I remember. I remember everything I've been through. I remember feeling so proud of her, proud of myself. Proud of overcoming all the insane obstacles to keep going for as long as I did.



I recognised her straight away...I've been a part of her for 26 years. It felt natural, she feels right, she feels good. I'd forgotten how much I could yearn for her. I forgot that seductive feel of her beneath my fingers. How she felt whenever I caressed her. I lusted after the emotions she provoked. I lusted after her.



Even so, I'm still bitter when I hold her. So full of envy, of what others could achieve with theirs; that maybe I would never be as good as they. They were better than me, theirs were better than mine. My eyes were always green, but it always made me work harder. Ever harder. But I could never be as good as them.




Strangely, even now, I'm lazy. I want to play with her again, but...I find excuses to not even pick her up. My slothfulness prevents me from going back to that place where I once was. That time when I felt almost invincible, with her power. The lack of power leaves me a little empty. The ever lasting energy she produced; reduced to nothing.



I know why I don't want to go back. I was punished. She punished me. They punished me. But I'm a glutton for punishment. I pick her up, and try to shove it all aside. Like I don't remember any of it. I go back though. I punish myself. I always did. Gluttonous. For punishment.



Is it too much?



No. It’s not enough. I want more. I want more than just her. I want so many things. I have a thirst. A greedy thirst to do so much more than just be with her. The greed consumes me; exhausts me, but I hunger for more.




Other passions invade, I want them all. It’s not enough to be Mother. Cellist. Photographer.



And so, I pay the price for my sins.







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This post is inspired Tara Cain's "The Gallery".

Please do not use images without direct permission from Jay Mountford. Thanks.
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The Gallery: Joy
@cosmicgirlie
Was struggling for something to post today (actually that's cock; I have TONS to post but I swear I would bore seven shades of shit out of you all. That, plus I'm going to exhaust myself with this blogging every day thing. Damn you April YOR) and then remembered - Ah yes!! Tara Cain's Gallery!! So this week it's JOY.

And you know what? I just need no explanations for this one. There's joy inside AND outside the picture(s) this week.

Please to enjoy.






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