The Gallery: Creatures
@cosmicgirlie
Week 16 for Tara Cain's "The Gallery", is creatures. I rarely take a decent animal shot, but then remembered something from a while back.

Whilst waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch at a pub near me a few months back, I grabbed my camera out the car and headed out to a field just around the corner from the pub. I knew there were horses there, sadly I don't think they're very well looked after, but I was pretty sure they were quite friendly.

I was right; one of them came over to pose for the camera.


Turns out he was quite keen to say hello and eye me up. :D

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Conversations.
@cosmicgirlie
Why do you bother? No one gives a shit, you know.

Shut up.

Oh come on, seriously. You parade around like you're some kind of big shot but no one cares. They all laugh at you, think you're just a joke.

Please shut up. Stop now.

So what's next? You put some Butterfly Catchers tunes on twitter just cos you played on the tracks, and suddenly you think everyone wants to hear?

But they said -

Who cares what they said? They're just being NICE. You are SHIT.

I just want to play.

Oh for real? Like you can even play? Did you listen to that recording? Did you hear how vile you sounded?

I thought it sounded ok.

Yeah you would, you're so full of yourself.

Why can't you leave me alone?

As if you could cope by yourself? How the hell would you survive? You're so pathetic.

No.

Yes you bloody are, you can't even stop a voice from talking to you in your head.

Yes I can.

No you bloody can't. I've been here for YEARS and still you listen to me, because you're useless. Plain fucking useless.

Leave me alone.

You already ARE alone. You're so alone it's untrue. All those people who you think are your friends? AREN'T. Fact.

Yes they are, they talk to me.

ANYONE can talk to you, you think that makes them your friend? You see how people shit on you and you call them friends? You see how people take advantage of you for years and you still want to call them friends? What kind of loser does that? YOU. Because you ARE a loser.

But they are my friends. They said -

People say all kinds of crap and you already know that. Can't you get over yourself?

I don't think I'm all that.

Yes you bloody do. You spend ages setting up your websites - you think anyone cares? You think anyone is really gonna give a shit what you have to offer?

But people asked me about -

People asked maybe TWICE about stuff. That does not give you the right to think you can impose your views on people.

They don't have to read.

But you want them to, don't you? Because you're such a loser.

No.

Yes you are. You think people would miss you if weren't here?

D would miss me.

No he wouldn't. He'd be so much better off without you. And Noah. And Isaac for that matter. They could all find someone else far better than you.

But I'm their mom. I matter.

No you bloody don't. Look at how you've crapped on D's day today. You managed to sort out 2 cards from the boys and do a cooked breakfast. Yeah, Happy Father's Day, applause to you.

But my back, the pain, it hurts so much and Isaac is poorly -

You have a lame excuse for everything don't you? God you're SO FULL OF IT.

But my back does hurt, it's not my fault Noah had that tantrum, I can't predict how a day will go, I didn't mean to ruin Father's Day.

Ruining things is your skill. You just had to step in and sort Noah out, because you resent him don't you? You can't deal with your frustrations like an adult so you take it out on him.

No I don't. I don't mean to. He's my son, of course I care -

Yeah because you have to. And now you're just crying because you can't face the truth can you? Hurts doesn't it? Truth hurts, doesn't it Jay? Fucking pathetic.

Please leave me alone. I'm just trying to do what's best for him. What's best for all of us. He was being naughty so he had to disciplined. We'd gotten lax with time-outs so we had to re-establish rules.

You know what? You're pretty defensive. Protesting a lot, aren't you? Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?

I'm not trying to convince anyone. Well maybe you...

Oh please. You don't know shit. You're just full of it.

No I know I was right to discipline, I'm sure I was, he was being naughty.

But you couldn't just leave it for tonight, could you? No. You had to put him in time-out leaving an awesomely bitter taste in everyone's mouths, including D. Can't say I blame the guy for going to work, get the hell away from you.

No he really does have work, he's busy.

Yeah. And like your mother spent so much time at church when you were a kid, wasn't to get away from you, she was "busy", right?

Yes, she had a lot of commitments, I mean yeah I missed her but she was busy.

You're so fucking gullible. So naive it's untrue. You should just go. Piss off, no one wants you here, no one cares. Piss off already. Stop thinking you're someone, admit you're no one, and just disappear.

I don't...I'm tired. Please leave me alone now.

You know why you're tired? Because you are WEAK. You can't fight me. You've never been able to fight me. You'll never get me out of your head. I'll be here. Forever. You can't get rid of me. You're so stupid and full of yourself you won't take drugs -

No, I just don't want to go through the hell I went through before -

Bullshit, you can't handle being seen as a failure -

Taking meds for depression isn't failure.

Yes it fucking is, you just can't bare to admit it. And anyway, if it isn't failure, what is it? It's because you're WEAK. And also? I know you're writing this post hoping that you'll get tons of sympathy. I can see through you, you're so fucking transparent.

I just want to get you out of my head. I just want you to leave me alone. I can't coop this up in my head.

Ok you know what? People will leave the sympathy. If you're lucky. And you know what? It will ALL be fake. They'll all be taking pity on you because you're such a fucking loser.

I'm not a loser. Please go away. I'm so tired.

You're tired because you're shit. Just go and quit now. AGAIN. Jesus you can't even fucking quit properly.

I want a break now.

Yeah you quit. Even though you're shit at it. And that's about the only thing you're good at. Failing at quitting. You are just a fucking joke. Fucking loser. Get over yourself.

I...

Yeah. Whatever, just shut the fuck up now.
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New Things
@cosmicgirlie
I've been bloody busy, working behind the scenes on some very small but very exciting things. Some of you will know I shed blood, sweat and tears trying to organise my photography site via wordpress. I'd only ever used blogger before, and so I had much to learn.

So when I finally got it set up, and discovered that Wordpress has the answer to all my questions (apart from anything bacon related, mostly) I thought I might try my hand at setting up a photography blog of my own, but geared towards helping others.

I haven't launched it yet because at the moment it's still just a domain name and some very bare, not very pretty bones, and a bag of ideas, which I'm waiting for everyone to point at and go "BWAH HAH HAH HAH!! Jay you are just a cock."

But here's the deal.

Remember a while back when I posted some pics here and you were all "Wtf? How the hell did you do that?"

And I was all "Ah it's easy! I'll do a tutorial!!!"

And then you were like "Ok, go on then."

And I was kinda "uh..."

And then silence?

Yeah well, um, I hadn't forgotten, see, but I was very wary about keeping MBM about my usual boring shit, and it not turning into a photog site.

I mean, ok, there's a shit load of pics, but I mean not that kind of photog site. And anyway, it turns out that some of you (and by some, I mean roughly 2 of you) have questions about how I do some of the stuff I do, including what I do on blipfoto, and various iPhone apps, and other random stuff I post here and there.

Plus, the Mighty Gallery on at Sticky Fingers brought out the hidden photographer in many of you, but I get sad when I see people say "Oh I would post but my pics aren't good enough", or, "it feels like a competition and my pics don't match up to everyone else's standards".

As I'm sure Tara would echo, it's NOT a competition, and I personally love looking at everyone's photos. This (potential) site I'm setting up is only to help you out with the small stuff; I don't claim to have all the answers and know how to do it all! I just want to help a little for those who want to do similar to me.

So...do you have a question? Have you seen something I've posted that you quite liked and wondered "how the hell did she do that?" Or have you taken a pic and are wondering how the hell you can improve it?

Then please get in touch.

Either leave a comment to this post with your question, or drop me an email at: cosmicgirlie(at)gmail(dot)com, or tweet me, or send me a text, or send me a messenger pigeon, or perhaps a telegram.

All being well, the site will go live in time for Cybermummy. :D


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Cybermummy - Meet and Greet!!
@cosmicgirlie
Things are hitting fever pitch on twitter and in the blogging community as we get ever closer to Cybermummy 2010, the UK's first mummy blogger conference. And I have to say, even though BlogHer 10 is hot on it's heels, I am SO BLOODY EXCITED for Cybermummy!!


I'm a bit rubbish with the whole "Mommy Blogger" thing (whatever on of those actually is), not being one to review toys, or offer great baby advice, or...whatever, but I'm so looking forward to this because quite simply, my friends will be there and it'll be the best chance to put faces and voices to the MANY blogs I read when I'm avoiding the kids letting the boys get on with playing.

There's loads happening during the Cybermummy conference, though I've a sneaking suspicion that with the permission of Mummy Tips, I'll actually just run around taking maybe a billion pictures since I'll have my camera, photog gear, MacBook Pro and iPhone with me. Ohhhh yes. :D

So a lovely clever blogger by the name of Mummy Shoes has come up with the idea of doing a meet and greet, a bit of information about ourselves and some clues as to who we are.

As if you didn't know already. ;o)

Name: Jay
Blog: http://mochabeaniemummy.com/
Twitter ID: @cosmicgirlie (and @JayMountford if you want the "professional" side)
Height: 5ft 5 and a half. YES, and a half.
Hair: Yes
Eyes: Two
Likes: Bacon. And twitter. And also my camera. Maybe music. Sometimes playing it. My iPhone; it's pretty much glued to my hand. All things Apple. I struggle to walk past Radley and Nica handbags without stopping. And of course, cocktails.

I suspect I'll wear jeans and a smart top of some sort for the daytime, and a rather nice frock of some sort for the evening. Either way, I'll have clothes on.
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The Gallery: Motherhood
@cosmicgirlie
For me this has been the hardest gallery post yet. Not because the spectacular lady that is Tara Cain has landed a wonderful opportunity for us Cybermummy and sponsorship from Photobox (and it's a great competition and prize). It's not because I was intimidated by all the other amazing entries, which quite frankly, left me wondering if I was capable.

But because I had no idea how to sum up "motherhood".

Especially in one picture, that I have taken myself.

I've never felt like a mother. Even now, when Noah runs up to me and shouts "Mummeeee!" it still feels like he's talking to someone else.

Isaac toddles over (yes, toddles, the boy is walking in a fashion), and flops himself on me for cuddles. Yet I think he does it just because there's no one else around.

I never had that "special bond" with Noah when he was born; I'm not sure we ever did, and that makes me really sad. Is that why some think I over compensate when it comes to looking after him? Managing his well being? Is it possible to over compensate? I love him, of course I do, but I forever worry that I'm not close enough to him even though I'm his mother. Isaac was a little easier; perhaps the PND wasn't so cruel second time around? He shows nearly as much independence as his brother; they both often just get on with it.

Just the word scares me.

"Motherhood"

I don't think it's about me. It's about them.

It's about throwing them out into the complete open, yet protecting them with nothing but your heart. It's about not knowing what the hell is right around the next corner, yet paving out a path for them to follow and be ok. It's about helping them reach for the skies, yet making sure they stay firmly grounded. It's about being the biggest support they will ever need, but taking a step back and being ready to catch them when they fall.

It's about celebrating them.



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